Drowning in anxiety and fear

Hi everyone.

This is is my first blog ever and one that I am both keen to write in the hope of gaining some support and release from the emotional pain but that I am also fearful of writing as it makes my diagnosis real. I was diagnosed yesterday with breast cancer. At this stage they are unsure if it is in my lymph nodes also. I have an appointment with the surgeon to have my 3cm lump removed along with the lymph nodes on my left side.

after this I know nothing, just that there will be more waiting for results until I find out if this cancer is curable. At least that is how I feel. I have avoided 'googling' anything as every waking second of my days since finding the lump, 7 days now, have been consumed by shaking, crying, disbelief, wanting to crawl into a hole till it's all done or until someone tells me they made a mistake.

ive had anxiety and depression before but this is inescapable. It cycles around and around but only changes it's intensity never really going away. I can't function. I've tried distracting myself but that I have found is useless. I've tried pouring myself into my 3 and 7 year old boys lives and being present with them. But this only lasts 10 min or so before my fears take over again. My husband is doing his best but I just can't get hopeful. I fear that the surgeon is going to tell me he couldn't get it, that I will have ongoing anxiety just waiting for the next lot of tests to see if it has shrunk or if it is killing me.

My diagnosis came one year to the day of the death of my close friend from secondary cancer. she stayed cancer free for only 2 years. How am I supposed to be hopeful when even if this goes well I still might get sick again? What if it's already gone too far? These are the thoughts consuming me.

I have always thought if myself as a strong woman but I cannot find one ounce of strength right now. I need hope, please someone help me find hope, help me get out of this emotional jail I am cowering in the corner of.

I know there are good news stories. I know success rates are high But I feel like i won't be one of those people. Something in the way each of the doctors and ultrasound scan people have spoken to me. No one has said I caught it early, no one has said I will just need surgery, my gp could only say "we have found it now" when I asked her for some positive feedback.

How am I supposed to find hope in that?

Anita_geary
Member
11 years ago
Thank you for the well wishes, I am feeling a bit better but i am in hospital for a while unfortunatly, the neutropenia is sticing around! My levels have stayed at .2 for the last 2 days and I need to get to at least .8 and fever free for 2 days before I an go. The fever seems to be here to sty also but at least it is not as high as it was.

The bigest challenge at the moment is tht they can only use one arm for a pin cushion due to the lymph node clearance. I have terrible veins and everyone is complaining about trying to get blood or putting in a new canular. My arm looks like a bruised and battered piece of meat and everytime someone comes towards me with a needle I start to freak out a little lol.

Wish I had of gotten into surgery to get my port put in before this happened but you have to roll with the punches and my body has decided to be a pin cushin instead!

Anita
shortlionruth
Member
11 years ago
Hi Anita. I hope the infection is clearing and that you are feeling a lot better. I love this site because we understand what we are going through and can support and encourage each other. I am also on the forum "anxiety and depression" and have met some lovely Ladies on there. I did the "Relay for Life" on the Weekend and after seeing one of the Ladies there I was so greatful to be alive and sharing my journey.. Please take care and know that we are here for you.
Cook65
Member
11 years ago
Oh you poor love! Hope you are feeling better soon and get on top of your infection quickly. You are so right! We do have strength together. I couldn't have survived the last few weeks without the love and support I have received from the wonderful women on this forum. Take care and hang in there Karen xoxox
Anita_geary
Member
11 years ago
guys I am certainly more positive now than 6 weeks ago! Unfortunately I am writing this from a hospital bed as my white blood cells have plummeted and I've gotten myself an infection. I am still having anxiety but not nearly the same as when I first reached out and I have many strong and positive supports kerping me strong and positive. I am proud to be a part of women supporting women. We have such strength together xx
Onga
Member
11 years ago
Well hello there Anita. Welcome to our group. One thing I have noticed all through this ordeal is the wonderful, caring doctors, nursing staff and others that you come into contact with. They are such special people and certainly go out of their way to make you feel better. Anita, you definitely sound a lot better now than you did in the beginning, I am so happy for that. It is a scary trip, but as you are finding out, it is incredible how many people come forward to help along the way. Stay strong Pam
shortlionruth
Member
11 years ago
I'd like to say "Hello" to all you Ladies out there. I know the anxiety you feel when you have been diagnosed with breast Cancer. I was diagnosed 7 Months after my Mother died of the disease and was still grieving for her. I had 2 ductal carcinomas and 1 invasive carcinoma and in 1 lymph gland and although I had conservative surgery I needed a wide excision. I had Chemo and Radium and took Tamoxifin for 3 years and then Arimidex. I am very happy to say that I I am still going strong 15 1/2 years later. I also tested positive for the braca 2 gene and had my ovaries removed. Two Months ago, under the recommendation of my Surgeon, I had a bi-lateral masectomy and have not looked back. It has made.me a much stronger person and taught me to appreciate life and what it has to offer. I would like to tell you that there is life after breast cancer. All the best in your journies. Lots of love, Ruth xxx
Anita_geary
Member
11 years ago
Hi ladies, Thought id do an update as you have all been so great and I turkey feel that the feedback and encouragement has made a world of difference to me and my journey! Today is day 13 since my diagnosis and day 7 from surgery, I had all my lymph nodes removed from under my left arm and a significant amount of my left breast. I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon on Monday to get the results and find out the next step, hopefully the margined are clear and no more surgery is needed as I am still in pain although I think that is more to do with the lymph node removal than the breast lump. The tube is still in which is gross but hopefully it can come out tomorrow, fingers crossed. I'm able psychologically to do the 'one step at a time' approach finally that that next step is what type of chemo and for how long. The anxiety attacks have stopped but the fear has not gone away. I guess I am living with it a little bit better now and able to find more time in the days where I am not thinking about the 'what ifs'. This I take as a good thing, as everyone said it gets easier. I have gad great support from family and friends as well as strangers from this site. Each so important to me and invaluable to my mental health! Unfortunately this is our own individual journey and it takes it's tole on our very basic psychological need of safety, life itself felt as though it was ripped from me but as I travel down this road and process the information given, I have begun to find my our feet and take what control i can thus making me less anxious and more positive. (Yes exactly what you all told me would happen! Lol) A woman I know who is on the "other side" names us as 'gutsy thrivers' not survivors. I think I really like that, I picture myself in 12 months to be a different woman with a better view of life and what is important. I think I have already begun that transformation. I am strong and i will be stronger. Thank you all so much for your support. I'm sure in the coming months I will need it again but for now I wish you all ongoing peace, strength and happiness. Anita
gen_evievy
Member
11 years ago
Dear Anita,

I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go through this, and I totally understand how terrifying these first few weeks are. I also had surgery to remove a 4cm tumour from my right breast, and I'm now halfway through my chemo with radiotherapy to follow. The best advice I can give you is just take one day at a time and try not to worry about the things that you can't change. Easier said than done, I know! And take advantage of the fabulous resources and support networks out there - the kit is a fantastic source of information. Try not to overwhelm yourself with research - it's very important to be informed but there comes a point in time when your head can't hold any more cancer facts and stats. I found it really helpful to have a friend or family member read through the info and then tell me the important bits.

Be strong - you've got this!!!
Tashie125
Member
11 years ago
I felt pretty much exactly the same way as you do. My world fell apart overnight and it seemed like I was living a nightmare! I have four young kids 1,3,5 and 7 at the time and I struggled to keep a straight face every time it looked at them. I had surgery and that week in between waiting for results will go down as the worst moment in my life to date. But once all the reports were in I felt I had a bit of control over what was about to happen. I did 6 rounds of chemo which I had to travel 1200kms each way, then did 7 weeks of radio so we relocated to perth so the kids could stay in school - just trying to keep things as normal as we could. So I'm still down to perth every three weeks as I am HER2+ but I am nearly counting down to the finish, 14 months from diagnosis - what a ride it has been - one I'm ready to get off! So know it gets better with time, the next part I look forward to is waking up and not thinking about bloody cancer. Happy to talk or chat anytime you need. Best of luck Tash xxx
Anita_geary
Member
11 years ago
Hi ann1e,

we shall be in surgery together lol. i met my breast care nurse today and she has ordered me my kit. The more i hear others speak of it the less apprehensive I am feeling about it. The women on here have been such saviours for me. Yes it is scary but this community of support makes it all a bit easier. I'd be happy to keep in touch as we take on our journeys if you would like. Otherwise I wish you and all if us much courage, health and good luck for the next 50 years! Xxoo