AC Chemo

@Sister How you made me cry reminding me of my 4th AC. Although I say it's all forgotten posts like yours bring it all back to me clearly.
I lay on my bed and thought if this is dieing then someone just take me. I had no energy for fear but couldn't move from that moment for days and days.
At this very moment all of my empathy and compassion are with you.
I wish I could take some of your load.
Everyone is with you. Think of that.
xoxo

@Sister My last AC was definitely my worst and like you, I spent most of the time with tears streaming down my face and feeling very emotional! My Oncologist put me on a low dose antidepressant before I started Taxol and I can already feel the difference! She believes that something to help you get through all this is got to be a good thing and I will take it for as long as I need it.  I have 10 more doses of Taxol to go and then 30 doses of radiation!
On a brighter note, I had my second Taxol today and yes, it is much easier to tolerate than that wretched ‘red devil’!  Thinking of you. Take care of you! 

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm sure I'll push through - just a bloody hard slog at the moment.

@Sister .... you're feeling ill and nauseous, you're at a low ebb right now ...... remember that ...... and on top of that you've got the family and renovations going on all around you. It's so normal to feel like you do and it's ok. Have a good cry , it will help ...... acknowledge youre allowed to feel like this  ..... get it all out. Know that im thinking of you today as are countless others and know that what you've been through is traumatic, be kind to yourself....... sending you special hugs and back rubs. Xxxxxx

@Sister Exactly as I was. I couldn't forward plan. I could only do day by day. But that's okay. It gets uou ybrough and forward pkannibg comes again. My husband kept pushibg me to plan  a holiday. I just couldn't do it. I think the reality is...well for me...I just couldn't think if I would be alive ir not to do it. Chemo impacts on our mental  health too. Just keep working tbrough and if still feeling the same after completed. ..well definitely time to chat to someone . 

Sister I hadn't heard of the last dose being the worst.   my first was the worst, maybe as I was working out all the crap, and they got progressively better.  Last dose was the best!!!  Pam

Oh love, how horrible it is to feel like this. I posted something remarkably similar a few weeks ago. Everyone said it's really normal to feel like you are at this point in the treatment. You spoke about the bandicoots and it certainly sounds like you have a few loose in your house at the moment. The psychologist will help you chase them away; I'm so glad your appointment has finally come up. I find my psych to be so helpful.

So your words to me were "You WILL get through this, one step at a time". I know so well it's hard to know that when you're in the trenches like you are right now. So all the usual things:  be kind to yourself, do something nice that you enjoy, take it hour by hour if necessary. A little exercise for the endorphins if you're feeling up for it. Plan something enjoyable for the future you can look forward to.

I hate the futility moods. Even though you're not a huggy person, I am (gotta be 20 seconds long to get that oxytocin release!) so I'm sending you a big bear one! You'll be OK, you'll be better than OK. Breathe, and dream of the beach next summer. Kate xox

@Sister u are so allowed a wallow - everyone has though days and like u I feel like my life is currently on hold until I’m through chemo and then anxious about how I will go on tamoxifen and then concerns about recurrence. U will get through this - it’s the final one and talking to someone will be so great. I’m considering doing the same thing after chemo as I am one that tends to bottle things up during time of stress to get through it and then might lose the plot when everything calms down. Thinking of u and big hugs - we are all here for u xoxoxoxo 

I'm not sure if it's a bit more of a whammy from the 4th AC, school holidays and no structure, summer (finally) over, husband's renovations not going quite to plan, or something else but I seem to have hit a major brick wall in the last few days.  If I could run away from myself and everything else, I would.  I've lost any positivity and all I can see in the future is what's happening now, stretching into infinity and what's the point?  I KNOW that's not really true but I can't seem to shake myself out of it - or care (but I must be caring or I wouldn't have tears running down my face as I'm typing this).  I just feel like I'm going through the motions on the sidelines while everyone else has a life.  And I know that many of you are dealing with things bigger than I am and getting on with it so I'm sorry to be wallowing in my little pity trough.  It's probably just as well that I've finally got an appointment to see a psych on Friday - hope it's someone I can talk to.  
I know I've got support here and that everyone knows what it's like which is why I can let that out because I don't think anyone else would understand.

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