WHO do I tell?

Question

I was diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer 2 weeks ago and had a lumpectomy with sentinel node biopsy last week. I’m recovering , but figuring out support has been tricky.I’m single, with a small close circle — amazing women who are already doing what they can, but they’re busy and going through a lot themselves. I know I need more help, but the next layer of friends includes people who always overshare others private news. I’m hesitant to open up, even though some of them might be able to support me practically. I also love my privacy, alone time I'm not good at asking for what I want/ need - and so far have managed.So I’m a bit stuck between needing more help and not being sure who I feel safe relying on.&nbsp; Has anyone else struggled with this?&nbsp; How did you decide who to tell or lean on — especially when trust or privacy was a concern?&nbsp; Should I even worry about privacy&nbsp;- would it be so bad if the whole world knew...?&nbsp; I prob feel it might from romantic and future job perspective...&nbsp;Thank you in advance!&nbsp;

arpie · Answer

Hi Shae​&nbsp; .. great question.&nbsp; &nbsp;I told my 'nearest &amp; dearest' first (close family &amp; friends) ..... some time later, I told those on an 'as needs' basis .....&nbsp; who 'I'd bumped into' who could tell that something was 'amiss' .....each time, I asked them to keep it confidential until I made a 'public' announcement.&nbsp; &nbsp;I was retired, so there was no need to advise work mates or bosses.&nbsp; IF you are still working, I'd be telling 'the boss' IN CONFIDENCE, early.&nbsp; Keep in mind, that There are strict rules on work restrictions due to illness (ie you can't be sacked.)&nbsp;&nbsp;Eventually, everyone WILL know ... so it is better that YOU let them know, in a time frame that suits you,
Some extended members of my family didn't find out for over 12 months .. it is 100% up to YOU as to WHO you tell, WHEN!&nbsp;&nbsp;Take care &amp; all the best

arpie · Answer

And Shae​ - even when you DO tell your friends .... keep in mind that some won't know WHAT to say .... so they say nothing.&nbsp; And that really does hurt.&nbsp; &nbsp;Sadly, some won't even acknowledge that you are even ill. &nbsp;😪
As Tri​ mentioned - emails are an easy way of keeping family &amp; friends informed on your progress - and means you don't have to repeat everything time &amp; again on the phone, which can be upsetting xx&nbsp; I did that with my own treatment &amp; also my husband's.
You may also be surprised at who DOES actually 'step up to the plate' and offer support and assistance (it may be in the way of meals that you can freeze, so that if you aren't up to cooking, you can just grab one) or driving you to appointments&nbsp; .... walking the dog, picking up the kids from school, hanging out the washing (as arm movement may be/usually is restricted after surgery) ... it can be a range of 'small things' that can just lighten the burden if/when you aren't feeling well.
Some people almost think a BC diagnosis may even be 'catchy' - so they stay away, too.&nbsp; Others think that after you've had your surgery, you are 'recovered' already &amp; expect you to be the same person as before your diagnosis .... but we all know that it isn't 'so' .... Some of the ongoing treatment can affect your body - and we all know that just the diagnosis alone, mucks with your brain xx&nbsp;
Sadly, you may even lose some friends along the way - but you will also make new, wonderful friends, who will be supportive of you, long term.&nbsp; Many of us have found 'real friendships' amongst the group here - with many meeting up in person!&nbsp; &nbsp;I actually met up with a close buddy from here in June &amp; we had a wonderful week together in WA.&nbsp; Our prior get-together was in Darwin in 2019 ... not long before Covid hit our shores .... so it was a long wait between 'outings'!&nbsp; But it was brilliant!
My suggestion is to just keep on doing what you LOVE doing, for as long as you can, depending on your treatment - and then get back to it whenever you can, afterwards!!!&nbsp;It will help to maintain some sort of 'normalcy' during &amp; after your treatment.
Wishing you all the best xx&nbsp;&nbsp;

josephineb1 · Answer

I was and still am in the same situation. &nbsp;I'm incredibly private and telling too many people will overwhelm, you so do it very slowly. &nbsp; You also need to be mindful if you're making big decisions about chemo etc. If you can somehow &nbsp; find others who've had breast cancer they will be much better to bounce off. &nbsp; Whatever you do I found this process very stressful. &nbsp;I actually confided mostly in alternative health care professionals like a masseur, acupuncturist or similar. &nbsp;They should keep your confidentiality until you're ready to tell people. &nbsp; I didn't tell any neighbours at all. &nbsp; I'm not sure if this was a mistake as I did end up quite isolated.... but I also didn't have well meaning people knocking on my door offering help. &nbsp; If there's a therapist that specialises in cancer at whatever clinic you are at they are worth their weight in gold. &nbsp; Don't know if this helps but I hear you. &nbsp;&nbsp;

tri · Answer

I am so sorry for your diagnosis. What an in important questionShae​ .
I am not sure there’s a best way to do it, the one thing I decided against was mentioning my cancer diagnosis on social media. I don’t think I had any obvious photos (ie was wearing beanies).&nbsp;
Work-wise, it may be shaped by your role. In my case I was heading up a team and in a position with senior responsibilities and a lot of external-facing commitments, so basically I had to share with my immediate professional network (not by social media, but calls or emails) to let them plan for my being unavailable. I think there are some worries about how people receive the information and how it affects perception of your work capabilities but I found it helpful to control the things I would show up for so I could bring my energy to the work or professional commitments, rather than the pressure of being all things on all issues to all colleagues.&nbsp;For family and friends, because I have a partner it was easier but I really only told my immediate family, my book group and closest friends. Some friends will be more helpful than others and will understand the boundaries - it’s unavoidable- I just had to remind myself that if a friend didn’t quite “get it” that I knew their good intentions were coming from a place of love and not to feel bad about declining help or a visit or even letting them know I was going offline to get a bit of headspace.
&nbsp;A dear friend of mine went through this on her own a few years ago and she had a core team who she would email with updates and we basically operated on the understanding that if she wanted her news shared she would have copied others in so we kept her confidence unless advised otherwise.&nbsp;
The downside for me of being less public for me was people I encountered again after treatment sometimes didn’t recognise me (I lost my hair which was quite distinctive and my hair colour) so then there was a bit of awkwardness having to tell them what had happened!
&nbsp;My sense is if you do share with a wider group that you can be explicit and say how you would like them to hold the information you’re sharing in confidence and you would find it difficult feeling like you were the subject of discussion about you. I did find the care and affection of my friends and colleagues helped keep me going and on balance I think it was better for me that my friends and associates knew what my situation was and especially what my energy limitations were during the treatment phase.&nbsp;sending you all positive energy and vibes for your treatment too.&nbsp;
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cath62 · Answer

Hi Shae​, Sorry sorry for your diagnosis. Hope you are ok and being kind to yourself.&nbsp;Everyone has given great advice&nbsp; From my experience no keeps your situation private. I did ask people to keep my diagnosis private but later found out people then say.....but I only told xxxx.&nbsp; People find it hard to process your diagnosis and sometimes they then confidently in others to help themselves. I don't think they are being malicious, it's just their coping ability. Even my parents and siblings did this. So if you don't want people to know, don't tell them.&nbsp;