Forum Discussion
Terrified
Hi..my name is Lisa
Im 51, married with two children, one 21 and one 18yo. My life has changed so much over the past 4 weeks Im terrified when I recap everything and need to just push it aside.
4 weeks ago I lost my mother in law (my best friend) to ovarian cancer. I had been one of her main carers during her 2 year battle. I havnt had time to even grieve her.
I marched myself into my GP the week after her death for my routine Pap, which was not overdue. Last year I reconnected with my sister after 40 years, who lives o/s. I mentioned to my GP that my sister is a breast cancer survivor after having a double mastectomy. My mammograms were up to date, not due for another 12 months. My GP casually suggested I get a 3d mammo and ultrasound "just to be sure"..its up to me..so I said lets do this and get it out of the way.
So from that point I have been shoved onto a bus ride that I am not allowed off. Im still not sure the correct way to write my diagnosis but they found two small tumors less than 1cm. After numerous biopsies, tests etc it was off to the surgeon. So I opted for a complete RH mastectomy, no reconstruction..lets just get this out of me and send me on my way.
I had the op, all went well and I was very positive of my choice. Unfortunately when my drain was removed 5 days later I was run over by the next bus that I didnt see coming. 2 of my nodes positive. Aux clearance needed, chemo etc, where do you want to go for treatment? All I can remember is that I have never been so frightened in my life. I couldnt even communicate as my words wouldnt come out..speech slurred and slow for hours.
My next round of surgery is this Thurs, recovery, then the next round of results. This time Im going in with no expectations of good news.
I have run my small home based dog grooming business for 14 years. I have closed shop indefinitely. I am numb. I wake every morning and hear my neighbourhood coming to life..cars starting up, neighbours going to work, bins being dragged in..and I just lay there trying to remember my own "normal" daily life.
My friends and family have been supportive but being told "you will be ok", "you are so strong", "you have got this" really doesnt help as each morning I wake up sick and feel sick all day. Im grieving my life.
I cant help but think if only I didnt mention my sisters diagnosis to my GP. I think now with what im dealing with, I would have been better off just living life to the full for the next 12 months till my next mammo then just prepare for my twilight exit. We had been planning an o/s trip of a lifetime after so much time had been put into looking after my mother in law.
I'm honestly thinking of doing as much research as I can, which in itself is scarey, but I really dont want to do this chemo etc.I honestly feel that my family are at a stage in their life that they do not depend on me. I hate to think of what this illness will do to them. My daughter is currently 3rd year uni doing radiography, and my son is right in the last year of VCE exams.
Has anyone here really REALLY contemplated not doing chemo?
I know Im not the first woman to be facing this and courageous stories are really inspiring, but me myself, well I think I know my own limits. From being independent, strong, outgoing and loving life, I now feel, if only I just didnt wake up.
Im 51, married with two children, one 21 and one 18yo. My life has changed so much over the past 4 weeks Im terrified when I recap everything and need to just push it aside.
4 weeks ago I lost my mother in law (my best friend) to ovarian cancer. I had been one of her main carers during her 2 year battle. I havnt had time to even grieve her.
I marched myself into my GP the week after her death for my routine Pap, which was not overdue. Last year I reconnected with my sister after 40 years, who lives o/s. I mentioned to my GP that my sister is a breast cancer survivor after having a double mastectomy. My mammograms were up to date, not due for another 12 months. My GP casually suggested I get a 3d mammo and ultrasound "just to be sure"..its up to me..so I said lets do this and get it out of the way.
So from that point I have been shoved onto a bus ride that I am not allowed off. Im still not sure the correct way to write my diagnosis but they found two small tumors less than 1cm. After numerous biopsies, tests etc it was off to the surgeon. So I opted for a complete RH mastectomy, no reconstruction..lets just get this out of me and send me on my way.
I had the op, all went well and I was very positive of my choice. Unfortunately when my drain was removed 5 days later I was run over by the next bus that I didnt see coming. 2 of my nodes positive. Aux clearance needed, chemo etc, where do you want to go for treatment? All I can remember is that I have never been so frightened in my life. I couldnt even communicate as my words wouldnt come out..speech slurred and slow for hours.
My next round of surgery is this Thurs, recovery, then the next round of results. This time Im going in with no expectations of good news.
I have run my small home based dog grooming business for 14 years. I have closed shop indefinitely. I am numb. I wake every morning and hear my neighbourhood coming to life..cars starting up, neighbours going to work, bins being dragged in..and I just lay there trying to remember my own "normal" daily life.
My friends and family have been supportive but being told "you will be ok", "you are so strong", "you have got this" really doesnt help as each morning I wake up sick and feel sick all day. Im grieving my life.
I cant help but think if only I didnt mention my sisters diagnosis to my GP. I think now with what im dealing with, I would have been better off just living life to the full for the next 12 months till my next mammo then just prepare for my twilight exit. We had been planning an o/s trip of a lifetime after so much time had been put into looking after my mother in law.
I'm honestly thinking of doing as much research as I can, which in itself is scarey, but I really dont want to do this chemo etc.I honestly feel that my family are at a stage in their life that they do not depend on me. I hate to think of what this illness will do to them. My daughter is currently 3rd year uni doing radiography, and my son is right in the last year of VCE exams.
Has anyone here really REALLY contemplated not doing chemo?
I know Im not the first woman to be facing this and courageous stories are really inspiring, but me myself, well I think I know my own limits. From being independent, strong, outgoing and loving life, I now feel, if only I just didnt wake up.
26 Replies
- Hi I wanted to give you some positive it's 5 years post diagnosis for me and there are good days bad days and better days but you get there scathed no , different person yes, changed yes, awesome person yes . Adean
- Dear LisaO
You have drawn a rotten card but it's not the last card you'll draw. I've had a mastectomy, no reconstruction, one affected node, 6 months of chemo, herceptin for 12 months and hormonal therapy for 4 and a half years.
I have also had several overseas trips including Iceland, took on a new job, became a grandmother (grandchild 2 due in 4 weeks) and there's not much twilight in my life yet (and I am nearly 72). Don't let the fear take away your life. Cancer is serious but ordinary men and women can get through treatment with some luck and lots of determination. Your dreams haven't ended, they just might take a little longer.
The first step is done, you won't know how chemo affects you until you start and the sooner started, the sooner it's over. Take heart and believe you still have a future worth living. Best wishes. - Dear Lisa O I am so sorry you had the loss of your mother to deal with as well as the blow of battling breast cancer- l know this sounds strange but look on the fact that you were spot on in finding out now about your diagnosis - . It is a frightening thing to face- and somehow all of us find that determination to deal with it. I am not saying it's a walk in the park- far from it but you have to take time for yourself to fight this- your family and friends will support you as much as they can- the support staff at the Oncology Department will do all they can to inform you as to what to expect- everyone is different with their particular diagnosis and treatment so only you will know how your body will react to the specific treatment when it begins. I hope and pray your journey will as best it can be for you.I had my diagnosis a month before my hubby and l were due to go on a round Australia Cruise - so that stopped that- I had a lumpectomy - 3cm Stage 2 as well as Auxiliary node clearance 2 nodes Grade 3 Hormone Pos and Her Negative I am up to Round 3 of Chemo from an 8 cycle- then Radiation to follow - l don't want to scare you with my tale as everyone is different- but my Oncologist recommended l have my Chemo reduced by 20% as l didn't tolerate it that well. But that's me- you might be different- Anyway l wish you all the love and courage to you and your family Lisa ❤️
- LisaO, sorry you have found yourself in this club that we all wish we weren't apart of. Your kids absolutely do need you. Im 43 and lost my mum to cancer two years ago this july. I took care of her at home and watched her exit this life. Absolutely broke my heart, she was my best friend. Now at a time i need her most she is not here. I did not want chemo either, my thoughts were I'm not married, have no kids, no family but my brother, so what's keeping me here. My mum fought hard in a battle she could never win and it's for her I'm doing this. Yes it's all scary but I believe you can do it.
Hugs Lisa x - Hi Lisa, my grade 3 stage 2 cancer was also an accidental discovery after a clear mammogram. I am forever grateful for my 6th sense that sent me back to the doctor. That was 6 and a half years ago, and I am doing well. I did chemo and had a double mastectomy. I was scared of chemo, but it wasn't really that bad, and I am glad to have had every treatment course offered to me. I have just completed 6 years on Femara and now I am back on Tamoxifen due to bone density loss. Your kids will still very much need you in their lives. My 4 certainly do, and though they are all adults now, we still share a very close bond, and I was 52 when diagnosed. I know that they were happy that I went through chemo, and then 9 months later when I decided to have the other breast off, they, and my husband were all very relieved. We don't know what the future holds, but I didn't want to ever wish that I hadn't given it my best shot. Now I am a grandmother and I am thoroughly enjoying this new phase of my life, and I am still feel very needed by my family.
Chris xx - Hey @LisaO, the bus you've been thrown onto is a doozy. The route that it takes is certainly not one that we would choose for ourselves. Having said that the interchangeable drivers if the bus have had that special training to be able to guide us along the crap part of the route. The bus takes us to places and to experiences we don't want to go along with but the ultimate destination (and it can seem so very far in the distance) is the goal. Finish of active treatment. The whole picture can be like a nightmare when thought of as a total and yes it is so incredibly overwhelming. The cancer council have a counselling service that might be of great assistance to you. Ph 131120. Talking to someone totally removed who can listen to your worries, fears, anxieties and help you offload some of the stress you are currently going through is invaluable. We can do that here to a certain extent but not to the same degree. Wishing you all the best. Xx Cath
- Good luck, Lisa. Its all such a shitfight; new people, new language, new priorities.
Do what you can for now and it will be enough for now. It's a miserable train to be on and it continues on its track, regardless of where you'd rather be. You are not the only passenger. Marg. Xxx
@LisaO My diagnosis was during my daughters final year of school. I actually was having surgery while she completed her QCS exams. Then I started chemo during during her final lot of assessment and somehow managed to attend her end of year school formal and graduation between cycles. It was nothing like we had planned and sadly her school results did suffer a bit.LisaO said:My daughter is currently 3rd year uni doing radiography, and my son is right in the last year of VCE exams.
However she was still accepted into her choice of degree at university but at the last minute couldn't bear to move away while I was still undergoing treatment. Instead she took a gap year. I felt so guilty that my illness was having such an impact on her.
But during her gap year (while she was working in one of her 4 jobs!!) she completely changed her ideas about her future career. Now almost 4 years later she is currently studying to be a Paramedic at a different university. She applied for special consideration for her entrance due to my illness and actually received a hardship bursary! My breast cancer has paid for all her text books! Not quite worth it but better than nothing...
I'm doing great and she is doing great.
It's normal to feel scared right now but please don't let fear make your decisions. You ARE stronger than you know. Remember we do have wonderful successes in treating breast cancer now in Australia. There is every chance you can beat this or at the very least have several more very important years with your family. Get through your treatment and then do that travel you have been planning.- Couldn't agree more Kath. I'm right in the middle of it and I try hard to control the down days so hard. I feel I just got to believe in and listen to my medical team for the plan they have for me because so many lives are being saved around me it gives me hope. The input and help from the BCNA members are helping me through and will help you to Lisa. Glad you posted.
- Hi Lisa. What a difficult time you have had. An understatement for sure.
Do you know your type of cancer yet?
Many women don't need chemo for cancer. But many women do. Australians have amazing survival rates, 90% survival 5 years on. But that is because of the current treatment regimes. When you see the oncologist ask the statistical difference with or without chemo. I believe if 3 nodes or under it could still just be radio needed. But again...all depends on pathology.
Your sister is a survivor....remember that.
And you can be too.
I was 51 at diagnosis with 3 children, the eldest 21. My sister in law died the week of my diagnosis of endometrial cancer. She died because she wouldn't see a Dr until it was too late. It was inoperable and treatment gave her a few more months only. If she had been treated earlier she quite likely would have been cured. The impact on her quite young adult children is profound and the hardest part is their anger...at her not seeking treatment earlier...and guilt...because they couldn't change her mind.
I was (and still am) terrified it's my fate too. But I've followed all treatment guidelines, including bilateral mastectomy due to breast density. I got through chemo, it was tough but am now reclaiming my life in the world after bc treatment now as a survivor. I want to be there to guide my children as young adults. I want to meet their partners and hopefully meet grandchildren. Any guarantees...nope. But I didn't want to get down the track in 2 years and think...I wished I'd done that.
You are grieving. You are overwhelmed. But you are stronger than you believe. You can get through this. It's okay to not feel okay. Retreat, cry, be friggin angry. That's all normal and okay. We get it. But then you pick yourself up and on you go. Because why...because you want to be a survivor, one of the 90% that gets to talk about it and support others. But that doesn't mean you have to like it.
Take care. Kath. X
