Terrified

Hi..my name is Lisa
Im 51, married with two children, one 21 and one 18yo. My life has changed so much over the past 4 weeks Im terrified when I recap everything and need to just push it aside.

4 weeks ago I lost my mother in law (my best friend) to ovarian cancer. I had been one of her main carers during her 2 year battle. I havnt had time to even grieve her.
I marched myself into my GP the week after her death for my routine Pap, which was not overdue. Last year I reconnected with my sister after 40 years, who lives o/s. I mentioned to my GP that my sister is a breast cancer survivor after having a double mastectomy. My mammograms were up to date, not due for another 12 months. My GP casually suggested I get a 3d mammo and ultrasound "just to be sure"..its up to me..so I said lets do this and get it out of the way.
So from that point I have been shoved onto a bus ride that I am not allowed off. Im still not sure the correct way to write my diagnosis but they found two small tumors less than 1cm. After numerous biopsies, tests etc it was off to the surgeon. So I opted for a complete RH mastectomy, no reconstruction..lets just get this out of me and send me on my way.
I had the op, all went well and I was very positive of my choice. Unfortunately when my drain was removed 5 days later I was run over by the next bus that I didnt see coming. 2 of my nodes positive. Aux clearance needed, chemo etc, where do you want to go for treatment? All I can remember is that I have never been so frightened in my life. I couldnt even communicate as my words wouldnt come out..speech slurred and slow for hours.

My next round of surgery is this Thurs, recovery, then the next round of results. This time Im going in with no expectations of good news.

I have run my small home based dog grooming business for 14 years. I have closed shop indefinitely. I am numb. I wake every morning and hear my neighbourhood coming to life..cars starting up, neighbours going to work, bins being dragged in..and I just lay there trying to remember my own "normal" daily life.
My friends and family have been supportive but being told "you will be ok", "you are so strong", "you have got this" really doesnt help as each morning I wake up sick and feel sick all day. Im grieving my life.
I cant help but think if only I didnt mention my sisters diagnosis to my GP. I think now with what im dealing with, I would have been better off just living life to the full for the next 12 months till my next mammo then just prepare for my twilight exit. We had been planning an o/s trip of a lifetime after so much time had been put into looking after my mother in law.
I'm honestly thinking of doing as much research as I can, which in itself is scarey, but I really dont want to do this chemo etc.I honestly feel that my family are at a stage in their life that they do not depend on me. I hate to think of what this illness will do to them. My daughter is currently 3rd year uni doing radiography, and my son is right in the last year of VCE exams.
Has anyone here really REALLY contemplated not doing chemo?
I know Im not the first woman to be facing this and courageous stories are really inspiring, but me myself, well I think I know my own limits. From being independent, strong, outgoing and loving life, I now feel, if only I just didnt wake up.

primek
Member
8 years ago
Great news on the nodes. Your oncologist will give % differences with and without chemo based on pathology if you ask. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Trust in your team in invaluable. Kath x
LMK74
Member
8 years ago
@LisaO, great your surgery is done and dusted. Here's hoping you won't need chemo. Hope your recovery from surgery is fast.
Hugs Lisa x
LisaO
Member
8 years ago
Thanks for all the responses. So I had the auxiliary clearance last Thursday. Returned to see surgeon Tuesday for results...all nodes clear. Im now booked in to see oncologist 4th July to discuss my treatment "choices". I like the terminology "choices"...I'm trying to hold onto this word. The surgeon has suggested that chemo might not give me a good % to consider, seeing the amount found in my two positive nodes were so small,but my oncologist will discuss my options. I havnt got my actual diagnosis in front of me. Seeing Ive had two surgeries in the past 3 weeks, I'm focusing on my arm exercises and trying not to "google" too much, as staying positive is incredibly hard. Obviously I know hormone treatment is a given, just holding onto hope that maybe...just maybe...I might have dodged the chemo bullet.
Rapunzel
Member
8 years ago
Hi @LisaO , how're you doing today? Lot's of good advice in the other posts so I'll just reinforce, keep away from Google, it can be a trap, unless you have been given specific websites to look at DON'T GOOGLE. Just breathe, take one step at a time. For me the operation was the most petrifying thing I have even done but the expectation was the worst. You might be finding yourself stuck thinking about the 'what ifs....'. Stop. Breathe. Do something, anything, get off your bum and go for a walk, do the washing up, anything to break the hamsterwheel thoughts. Ring your breastcare nurse, or the BCNA or Cancer Council helpline if you can't do anything else. They are there to help. Let us know how you're doing.
Zoffiel
Member
8 years ago
@LMK74 The day you book yourself in, sign the forms and get on the trolley may be one of the toughest in your life, but always remember you are choosing to do something in the hope it will save your life-- you've decided it's your best chance of survival.
I've found thinking about it is worse than doing it, which sounds like the sort of 'woo hoo' nonsense that we don't want to hear but I can only tell you what it has been like for me. Good luck. Marg xxx
Payne
Member
8 years ago
Hello Lisa,

Reading your post gave me goosebumps because your feelings were so similar to mine when first diagnosed with Grade 3 stage 2. I found a lump the day before attending girlfriends funeral. She died as a result of secondaries to her breast cancer. I felt numb from that moment on and until chemo started. The numbness and fear returned before starting radiation. Lumpectomy and axially clearance with 2 nodes positive. Chemo for 5 months followed by radiotherapy for 4 weeks. 3 weekly herceptin injections to continue until december. None of the treatments were as bad as I had imagined. Now I feel I have given it my best shot. The ladies have given good advice and it helps to take it one step at a time to minimise being overwhelmed. You will find the health care team very supportive and informative. You will be learning a whole new language.

Wishing you the very best
Sue P
LMK74
Member
8 years ago
Viking1, I agree the surgery is the biggest fear for me. I saw my radiation oncologist last thursday and she said it will definitely be a mastectomy. My tumor hasn't shrunk down far enough and only two more chemo to go. I feel scared and depressed and wish I could disappear.
iserbrown
Member
8 years ago

LisaO said:

Hi..my name is Lisa
I havnt had time to even grieve her.
Im grieving my life.
Has anyone here really REALLY contemplated not doing chemo?

@Lisa0

Hi Lisa - I came across your post today and can see the roller coaster that you found yourself on immediately.
I think everyone has contemplated not doing chemo but most seem to come to the reality of, it is a necessity to fight off any stray cells that maybe lurking!

As to grieving, there is no right or wrong way to go about it. My day role is looking after the grieving public and we are all different. Some are angry, some are accepting, some are in shock - I can't tell you how to deal with it. Hopefully as time goes on your tears of sadness will turn to tears of joy as you think about all the good times that you spent together that helped forge such a good friendship.

There are good support groups that offer counselling if you feel you need to talk. In time you will grieve for the loss of your mother in law. She will be there in spirit urging you on with treatment and as to your own life well, what is normal? It is constantly evolving as we hit these challenges, whether it be our health, work, home, kids et cetera On day of diagnosis I had a counsellor assigned to me and her advice was if you start to feel overwhelmed then pat yourself down, along the legs and arms and whilst you are doing that you are bringing yourself back into the now. Deep breaths!

Keep away from google as it only does your head in!

As @Zoffiel said "You are not the only passenger" - hope you get to enjoy the company of the other passengers on this forum as we are all here to help you through.
Take care and sending you a virtual hug xx
melclarity
Member
8 years ago
Lisa, that is a lovely way of looking at it, i think that the worst of it is the fear. Fear of each step you face, as you face the unknown in each step. As you get through each step as you did the lumpectomy you realised it wasn't as bad as you possibly thought. So take that approach as you go and youll be ok.

In my 6yrs this is what ive seen to be true, ive been through the whole thing from surgeries to treatments and we all have different feelings of what is worse or harder. Fear is hard. You're at tbe beginning with the lumpectomy, step at a time...you will get through it all that i know. Hugs Melinda
viking1
Member
8 years ago
Dear Lisa,
Big hugs to you, and just a quick note. A week ago I had my lumpectomy. Prior to that I was between being literally frozen with fear, unable to get out of bed and plotting ways to run away. After the surgery I was fine, a bit of pain still and tiredness but healing. But my fear has gone. I now have chemo, radiation and hormone treatment for the next year. HER2 positive. I know this is not going to be fun, but I think the actual surgery was my 'hump'. I have been told there are more advances in chemo and nausea treatments these days and I'm not lookng forward to my hair falling out or being sick, but I do feel the hardest bit is out of the way, especially in your case with a mastectomy. I may be wrong ... what do others think? Is the surgery the biggest hurdle? I hope so and wish you well. Please chat to the breast nurses and the oncology team as much as you need to to feel less fearful. I only made my mind up to get the surgery over and done with after the breast nurse physio spent time telling me all the things i would be able to do at various stages! xx