I've offended my in-laws

Thanks everyone! The situation hasn't improved at all except for the fact that I am no longer losing sleep over it. My brother in law (the Radiation Oncologist) told us not to contact the family again. He basically said not calling at Christmas is a deal-breaker and cancer is no excuse. I assume, since he deals with cancer every day, he is just desensitised. He's not going to be supportive to me on my journey so I don't need him in my life. I've moved on.

BUT I'm now really worried about my husband. I know I have heaps of people to support me but who is going to support him? He has a very demanding job and he's going to have a very stressful year ahead of him and his family have disowned him. He's not the type to open up when something is bothering him and he won't actively seek counselling but I think he will need it. Can any of you suggest support groups or resources out there for men supporting wives through bc?

All the best for moving foreward shape your days in good ways be kind to yourself  

to Ad Lib
All I can say is, those that really care will come around to help, the selfish ones will drop away.. One of my children wanted to do the bury the head in the sand with " this is nobody else needs to know our business"  but now she is accepting that its not something to run and hide from and hopefully she will now take on a different attitude to her own health who knows.  But when each person has found out I have directed them to BCNA to have a read so that they can get a better understanding even sent some links to the site.
Take care of yourself and your family its time to be picky about whats best for you and your family.  I have found in this short time just what help I need and will need and also what I need to keep doing for myself, these will probably change as I progress into the Journey as its not always so straight forward and there might be twists and turns  and its not the same for everyone
All the best on your Journey this site is great for advise, venting and just reading through getting strength form others and ideas, I've read quiet a few and tried the ones I have been comfortable with.

I have sage words


Go explode and tell them all where to go :lol:

You're a better woman than I.

So true - your husband needs to be the gatekeeper now as you don't need negativity around you

If you are on the verge of exploding, my advice is do it. You're project managing this whole show; it's up to you to decide who calls the shots. Now, I know that response may not be to everyone's liking, but if you let these people dictate terms to you at this point, they will do it all the time. If that suits you, fine, but if it doesn't put a stop to it now.

If you don't actually bite them, at least tell them firmly that you will get back to them. When is suits you. If they are the sort to white-ant you for it you may bear in mind that they would be likely to undermine you whatever you do so stop trying to please them. If they are decent people who are just a bit miffed, it's their job to get over it not yours.

I think everyone can agree, this journey will really set all the people in your life apart. Some will surprise you in a bad way and others in a good way. I lost lifelong friends, but it created a space for more genuine people to step up and they did. Life is interesting!!  I do think communication is everything, if youve apologized and its not enough, so be it. All you have is your honesty and being completely open and genuine. It really sounds more like they felt shut out, not so much about Christmas. Thing is, majority of things are never intentional, and you certainly werent either. Hope it resolves, hugs xo Melinda

So sorry to read your story.  It's hard to see why your in laws are so unsympathetic.  It's incredible that facing a cancer diagnosis and treatment you are supposed to care about and apologise for disrupting their Christmas.  Where are their priorities?  How selfish and small minded are they? You don't need this tension while facing a very tough time.  Try not to waste energy on them.  

Like many people, my personal experience has been that a couple old friends were not very sympathetic or supportive about my diagnosis or treatment.  One gave me the sense that talking about my cancer was poor form or bad manners, although her problems apparently were different and well worth discussing endlessly!  Other people were fantastically supportive.  People are so surprising, at least to me.

I suspect that cancer is a strong bright light that shows what people really are like and what your relationship with them really is.  Sounds like your in laws wanted their Christmas and their happiness to be the most important thing, not your health and emotional state.  Sounds like their lack of focus on you will continue.  That is very sad for you and your husband.  At least you know now not to expect much support from them during your treatment.  

Focus on those who love you and support you.  Try and rise above the pain of rejection.  I personally found that really hard to do.  Your relationship with them may never be the same as before your diagnosis as a result of this.  That has been my experience.  It's impossible to completely forgive a person who you thought would be there for you but who isn't.  

Once you start treatment you are given steroids, and as a result you won't be so forgiving and appeasing either.  During chemo I regularly called out bullying from my abusive father.  Didn't stop him entirely but it was satisfying anyway.

Wishing you the the very best of luck with your treatment.  Karen 

Ad lib, I'm sure that one of us on here would have the skills to make you a doll to use - a Voodoo doll!!! Get that big big pin and stick it in and twist!!!!! Satisfaction guaranteed  ;) and then just go on with what you need to do, which is focus on you and the support you need to get through this. I actually think they are the ones who should be apologising to you but that is not likely to happen from the sounds of it. Anyhow, know we are here for you, we know where you are coming from and come here and vent, vent, vent whenever you need to. Keep us up to date with how you are going. Best wishes Xx Cath