Forum Discussion
Feeling Lost
Hi,
I'm not sure how this network works yet so I'm hoping I can connect with some support, but really I want to let out what is inside. I therefore doubt this will make much sense.
I went in for a follow up mammogram on Tuesday and inside I knew the results weren't going to be good. Not because I felt anything but because of the comments the radiographer had made. All beside the point now. They found a lump and calcifications. The lump is 2.2cm but even on the day they couldn't feel it. So I've had my biopsy and I will go back for my meeting with the doctors on Monday morning. I don't know grades or markers yet. I know there will be surgery but the rest is to be determined.
I am feeling everything everyone talks about on the videos here, and on a couple of the posts I've read.
Mainly for me at this time it is guilt. And that somehow I brought this on myself. That whole manifestation thing. If you think it you will get it. I had 3 weeks off work and decided to get all my health checks done. Started sorting out my will too - did I jinx myself? My daughter asked why I was having a mammogram. I told her I needed to because of my age and family history. She told me those things are dumb they find things that would never have bothered you if you didn't look. She doesn't know about the results yet.
All I have seen since my mammogram are breast cancer posters, TV shows about alternative treatments, and the news covering the lady who enacted the end of life law in Victoria (all power to her). I even saw a lady who was on the breast screen bus with me, and I so desperately wanted to know if she had a call back too.
I get up every morning and watch the sun rise, have done for years. I'm always telling people life is short, don't focus on material things. Love your family, embrace what's around you. Celebrate people whilst they are alive. For the last 12 months I've been a funeral arranger. I have seen the anguish families go through when plans and wills aren't in place. The regrets they have of unsaid things when people die suddenly. I kept saying to my partner that life is short, pay your respects to your loved ones whilst they are alive. I have had an interest in palliative care since my dad died of bowel cancer 5 years ago. Actively researching how people can be better supported at end of life, thinking of my step mum who is 81. I am now torn as to whether I'm psychic, I self manifested, or I am bloody lucky to have come to this realisation and regardless of anything the cancer would have been there.
Guilt issue number 2. I've had swollen tissue under my arm for years that they did an ultrasound on and said it was nothing but they never checked my breast. I put off my mammogram for a year. Someone said to me why haven't you had it done sooner? Doesn't help now does it. And now I am here. Worried about what I could have done better, worried about every itch and pain I have. Is the cancer everywhere? Looking at my bowel cancer test sitting on the table, which I rang up and requested because I didn't get the first one. May as well get every test I can done.
I have a friend who has breast cancer and she has been fighting it for over two years. She is overseas but she has been really helpful. My brother has just come through lymphoma. He said just keep doing life and stay positive.
Other than that I'm laughing, crying, up, down, accepting, in disbelief, angry, sad, I want my results, I want this out of me and over with, don't want to hear the word cancer again, and feeling very alone.
I'm not sure how this network works yet so I'm hoping I can connect with some support, but really I want to let out what is inside. I therefore doubt this will make much sense.
I went in for a follow up mammogram on Tuesday and inside I knew the results weren't going to be good. Not because I felt anything but because of the comments the radiographer had made. All beside the point now. They found a lump and calcifications. The lump is 2.2cm but even on the day they couldn't feel it. So I've had my biopsy and I will go back for my meeting with the doctors on Monday morning. I don't know grades or markers yet. I know there will be surgery but the rest is to be determined.
I am feeling everything everyone talks about on the videos here, and on a couple of the posts I've read.
Mainly for me at this time it is guilt. And that somehow I brought this on myself. That whole manifestation thing. If you think it you will get it. I had 3 weeks off work and decided to get all my health checks done. Started sorting out my will too - did I jinx myself? My daughter asked why I was having a mammogram. I told her I needed to because of my age and family history. She told me those things are dumb they find things that would never have bothered you if you didn't look. She doesn't know about the results yet.
All I have seen since my mammogram are breast cancer posters, TV shows about alternative treatments, and the news covering the lady who enacted the end of life law in Victoria (all power to her). I even saw a lady who was on the breast screen bus with me, and I so desperately wanted to know if she had a call back too.
I get up every morning and watch the sun rise, have done for years. I'm always telling people life is short, don't focus on material things. Love your family, embrace what's around you. Celebrate people whilst they are alive. For the last 12 months I've been a funeral arranger. I have seen the anguish families go through when plans and wills aren't in place. The regrets they have of unsaid things when people die suddenly. I kept saying to my partner that life is short, pay your respects to your loved ones whilst they are alive. I have had an interest in palliative care since my dad died of bowel cancer 5 years ago. Actively researching how people can be better supported at end of life, thinking of my step mum who is 81. I am now torn as to whether I'm psychic, I self manifested, or I am bloody lucky to have come to this realisation and regardless of anything the cancer would have been there.
Guilt issue number 2. I've had swollen tissue under my arm for years that they did an ultrasound on and said it was nothing but they never checked my breast. I put off my mammogram for a year. Someone said to me why haven't you had it done sooner? Doesn't help now does it. And now I am here. Worried about what I could have done better, worried about every itch and pain I have. Is the cancer everywhere? Looking at my bowel cancer test sitting on the table, which I rang up and requested because I didn't get the first one. May as well get every test I can done.
I have a friend who has breast cancer and she has been fighting it for over two years. She is overseas but she has been really helpful. My brother has just come through lymphoma. He said just keep doing life and stay positive.
Other than that I'm laughing, crying, up, down, accepting, in disbelief, angry, sad, I want my results, I want this out of me and over with, don't want to hear the word cancer again, and feeling very alone.
61 Replies
- @Felicia29 I googled McGrath Breast Care Nurses & you can put in your location & find one that is closest to you. There was only one in my region so it made it an easy choice. The website gave me her email address so I emailed her direct to introduce myself & told her my story. i also sent her ALL my pathology & doctors reports so she could see what I was dealing with & it also gives her a better understanding of the advice she can give you in treatment & a path going forward. As they are medically trained, they can decipher all the medical jargon so it's like having a free doctor/counselor at your beck & call. My nurse also offered to speak to my hubbie or any family member that may need counselling or had any questions so they do a really good job at not only helping you but your whole family. Good luck & it sounds like you are on to it now. keep in touch. love & strength xx
- Oh we all get it.
I found a lump 5 weeks after a clear mammogram. Under ultrasound they didn't say it was cancer but I noted the looks between the radiographer and the Dr and they proceeded with 5 core biopsies. Might be a burst blood vessel he said...yeah like I believed that one.
My husband kept saying just think positive ...which annoyed the crap out of me. ..before the GP appointment I said to him...it's cancer Pete. ..you need to be prepared. ..I just want to get the next step going.
I was angry with myself. Angry I was very busy in my job and hadn't persued the revisit to a genetic counsellor to see if I had the same gene from Scotland. I thought the bloody stress of my job had caused cancer...I'd finally changed jobs after a breakdown and life was looking pretty good then bam. Cancer.
Meanwhile my SIL was dying from cancer she had ignored and I attended her funeral between biopsy and result. All the while terrified it would be me in the coffin next. I had a sister who had died from bc....gene negative.
But hey. ..here I am.
I didn't have that gene anyway. .just another 1 in 8.
I had a bilateral mastectomy due to breast density which may have consealed the cancer...so we opted to remove both. My Aunt had cancer in both breasts and it was the second that got her. She did have the gene though.
It was a bloody hard 8 months...but on I go. Living with some side effects of treatment, struggling with my weight and never fully regaining my energy I had pre chemo.
But...life's pretty good. I work full time again. I'm advancing my career. And one thing I have learned from cancer is "not to sweat the small stuff" I honestly don't give a rats about trivial things now. Family, holidays and a job where I feel I can make a difference in someones week is all I need.
So lovely...yes having things in order is not silly or jinxing yourself...but I want you now to make plans for living. 90% of women live at least 5 years from diagnosis.
Dream of travel.
Plan your head gear in case of chemo.
Check out leave in case you need time off.
And...book a dental appointment for a good clean and check up. It's great preventative care pre treatment.
And remember...no question is silly. X - Good luck with your results too. Planning what happens next can give you back some of that control you suddenly lost. Breathe and remember we're all here for you in this journey
- @Ahnn the wait is horrible. Coming here is the best thing I could have done. I'm going to keep myself as connected to support as I can. You will be getting your results the same day as I get my first biopsy results. I'll be thinking of you.
- Like you i have found the diagnosis a complete shock and still haven't accepted that it is real. My recall for another mammogram, ultrasound and two core biopsies took over 6 hours so i knew something was wrong. No symptoms, no palpable lumps and regular yearly scans. I thought they were being careful. 4 weeks later bilateral lumpectomy for high grade DCIS and pending results of that on 19th. I wish I'd contacted BCNA before last week. So much support here to help you in this difficult period of waiting for scans and results
- You may find once you've got your treatment plan that there's a breast care nurse as part of the team. Mine was part of the surgeon's team.
Take care - Thank you @Blossom1961 & @kezmusc. I've sent an email off to the McGrath Foundation. I agree about keeping busy. Oddly enough I have just come off 3 weeks leave and was planning on looking for another job because I sit in an office on my own, and on most days do nothing and don't interact with people. I didn't think this was good use of my time and you can only read so many books. It was making me very anxious really. And to top it off I am a funeral arranger (oh the irony) so my interactions aren't always happy but I did love the work and it really reinforced in me the fragility of life. So I take that as a blessing. The organisation is very good so once I have more of an idea about what lies ahead I am going to see if they can give me some other work I can do from home.
- Hi @Felicia29,
Welcome lovely. I think most of us, when we are first diagnosed, go to that place of "what did I do to cause this". You will see it time and time and again on here. It's pretty natural to think that, otherwise the fact that our body can turn against us at any tick of the clock becomes quite an unexpected shock of mortality.
BC can affect any one. I work in a surgical ward and have seen 16 year old girls to a 92 year old man.
It's also a sneaky sucker. Not once could anyone ever feel my breast lump either. Nor could all the wizbang machines see it.
The start is just awful, all those unknowns running around in your head and undoubtedly your brain will conjure up every worst case scenario it can think of.
As the lovely ladies have said, once there is a plan and things get moving you feel a bit more in control. Your hospital should allocate you a breast care nurse once they receive the referral. if not, you can ring the McGrath foundation and talk to them.
I found keeping flat out busy helped somewhat at the beginning. Anything to distract my brain from itself.
One day at a time, one step at a time, sometimes its one breath at a time.
All the best with everything.
Hugs
xoxoxoxoxo - Ring McGrath Foundation 1800183338 or check on their website
- How do you get a breast care nurse?
