Forum Discussion
Why is it so hard?
Hello, I’m new to the network even though I’m well past finished with my treatment. I even have almost enough hair on my head to call it a bob, sort of. I finished the mastectomy/reconstruction/6 months chemo/ 6 weeks of radiation about 12 months ago. I don’t even really know how to write this, other than when does it get better? I had no idea how hard it would be once the treatment was done. All that stuff the nurses warned you of was just theoretical noise at the time. It feels like none of the ‘normal’ people I know really has any idea what it’s like and just expect you to get on with it. Pre diagnosis I was early 40’s, long hair ( pah, who didn’t!) career going really well, running marathons, and then, boom. All gone. I’m left with a Frankenstein body, crazy hair, and a very high chance of it recurring. I should be feeling great. I can run long distances again, I have hair, I don’t have cancer. I still have a job. Yet it’s a daily struggle. And I really do get that life can be so much worse and I’m actually quite lucky, yet......Anyone else like me out there???
26 Replies
- I honestly don't think you ever get out of this feeling. I'm still in active treatment and so I'm not as experienced as many of the survivors here but I think something has fundamentally "slipped" in my psyche. The best I can hope for, I think, is to absorb this and keep on going. It doesn't mean that I can't rage at the injustice of fortune. So, @12paws - I don't think you're wrong in what you're feeling (I was going to use another phrase but I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW TO SPELL ANYMORE).
And I can easily imagine how losing your dog has stirred things up. We love our pets and they return that love and give us support. I lost my beautiful cat in traumatic circumstances a few years ago, and while we now have another wonderful moggie, I will never forget Merls (or for that matter, my cats that came before). I have tears in my eyes, typing this. - Hi @12paws,
You are definitely not alone as you can see. This is the part that is not in the listed side effects.
That feeling of "I should be grateful" "I should be doing something spectacular with my life now, I've had a second chance"
I am close to two years on from surgery and over 12 months from active treatment.
It does take a while and 12 months is not long in the big picture of what we've been through. I renounce the "new normal" and it can shove off. I'm looking hard for my old one and that in itself presents problems.
Life has gone back to the daily routine.
Sometimes that ticks me off and sometimes I am thankful it kind of has I guess. Family and friends think you're all ok once all the nasty treatment is done, a bit like getting over the flu. You were sick, you got treated and now you're better. The thing is though, we never felt sick before all this.
It is hard to explain that your head just isn't the same. However, yes it does get easier to control those thoughts of recurrence; they are there, but less frequent..
However, I am more compassionate now (mostly he he). I tell myself to slow down more often, be a bit more observant and appreciate the small things. I say yes to all invitations without thinking about it where once I would have been too busy, didn't want to spend the money, couldn't be bothered or too scared to try something, I will go and do it, try it , spend it, whatever. It takes an effort sometimes but I always enjoy myself when I make that effort.
I no longer take shit from anybody.
Actually, I think BC may have given me some kind of tourettes. LoL Fuck it.
Keep on trucking lovely.
Big hugs
xoxoxo - I feel the same 12paws - should be grateful to be alive, and don't get me wrong, most days I am but then I have days where I am sad for all I have lost and feel like this cancer thing has taken over my life. I worry about it coming back on a regular basis - you are definitely not alone!
- Thanks everyone. How lovely for you all to reach out.
- Hi @12paws,sorry you are here but so glad you found this wonderful forum.
I have seen psychologists on and off all my adult life. I am booked in with a cancer council counsellor (say that 3 times quickly!lol) tomorrow as I am only at the start of my BC experience but feel myself slipping. Maybe if you feel you have reached a road block with your current psych you could try a new one? Just a thought. To answer your rhetorical question.......I don’t know why it’s so hard but it bloody well is and it sux. I can relate to feelings of having so much to be grateful for but just can’t be.
You have got this far, you are obviously strong and determined. You are gutsy just for sharing.
Take care.xxx - Far out! I still miss our dogs (18 and 19 when they passed) and we haven't found the emotional strength to replace them yet! We do have a cat that thinks she is a pup and follows us everywhere and calls out like she has a broken tail if we get too far ahead of her - we live on acres and she loves it! Animals are so soothing - did anyone see the story of the Magpie called Penguin on Sixty Minutes last night?
As to the daily struggle, that's what this forum is about, we get it! Our dear friends and family assume that we are back to normal as our time between appointments lengthens. No, it just brings on scanxiety and everything else in between! Fatigue is real and hits us unexpectedly even though we maybe eating correctly, doing some exercise et cetera
It will get better as time goes on! Be kind to yourself, rest up where you need to, don't feel bad if you want to cop out on a coffee date or whatever - this is about you! I find now that family don't even ask how am I, do you have an upcoming appointment, as when they see me I look normal and I don't bring it up unless they do. Recently my baby sister was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer and hence the questions came and when I said that when I first met my Breast Surgeon, he said you will be my patient for the next 10 years, silence came! They hadn't realised the depth of it all. Feedback the next day from other sister confirmed this.
Whoops this is about you not me but you get the picture, we all feel altered and a little distant from our old lives!
Don't know where you are or if you are aware of the Otis Foundation - they offer free holidays for us, just need to get there and provide your own food.
https://www.bcna.org.au/services-and-support-groups/services/the-otis-foundation/ - 'Give yourself a break' and 'Be kind to yourself' and 'it will take 12 months for you to get your emotional shit back together'. These are the 3 things i kept saying to myself because it wasn't just me with a cancer diagnosis it was my husband too(stage 3 prostate cancer but all is good now) and 12 months on for me i was right(sitting here bawling my eyes out over the field of women). It does get easier but it takes time. I didn't go yesterday, i could've...should've...but even being at the forum on Saturday was emotionally draining and i felt good in myself that i got there. I'm really glad that you're running again as i find exercise is the one thing that got me mentally back on track and in control again so 3 times a week finds me at the gym and I've gone back to pilates. And I'm sorry about your woofy, 12paws, we had to do the same with our beautiful 11year old cavvy, same year as diagnosis, i still miss him, he was such a gentleman of a dog. It doesn't take much to knock you about emotionally because i find I'm a much more emotional person now which really pisses me off but it's just part of the new me and I'm better at controlling it except for last week, too many things happening at one time and they always come in threes (dad's anniversary, reminders of first surgery this time last year and the forum).
So, be kind to yourself, hang in there and know that you can talk to us anytime.
Best wishes, Cath I think many of us identify with that feeling @12paws I sometimes get the guilts and think 'You ingrate' but the whole thing is overwhelming and the feeling of disappointment is very real.
I recovered very quickly from my first bout of breast cancer--chemo and a double mastectomy with implant reconstructions then 5 years Tamoxifen. I had heaps of surgical complications but I never felt unwell. Tired and a bit frustrated, but life went on and two years later it was really only the scars that remained. This time, it's been much harder, which was not what I had expected. It's 15 months since I finished active treatment (more surgery, chemo and radiotherapy) and I'm not at all the same woman I was. It is very annoying and I chaff at myself, wondering if I'll ever wake up and smell the roses. Lets hope so. There are many things that can tip the scales and change 'I'm doing kind of Ok' to 'this sucks'; losing your canine friend is significant when you are well, but on top of all the rest, it is a very big deal. Keep plodding on, it's all we can really do. Mxx
- We love our pets so much don't we? I love the pets discussion thread we have here. If you feel like it you can pop a picture of your dog on there. K xox
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