Well ladies I haven't posted on here for a while but do check in and see how everyone is travelling fairly regularly. I had my yearly check up today after having last years go smoothly, feeling great (other than the usual back pain and occasional nerve twinges from Rad damage etc), seeing my Oncologist or Breast Surgeon every 3 months expected all to be ok. I am now sitting here after having a biopsy under my Aux arm, they found a couple of anomalies in my scans and given my history Grade 3 Stage 3 triple positive BC , decided a Biopsy was the best option. The radiologist believes it may be just scar tissue but he and my surgeon want to make certain. To say that my anxiety levels have now gone up a few notches is a bit of an understatement, won't have the results til Monday. I have had a pretty anxious week as a friend has gone into palliative care after her BC metasised after 4 years clear. I visited her last week and that shook my reality up a bit, then I started getting sharp pain across my chest area where I had Rads so yesterday had a chest X-ray ( my friends came back in her sternum) thankfully my lungs, ribs etc were all clear. I am now shitting myself at the thought of having to maybe go through this again but know that at the end of the day if I have to, I have to. I know that there are many of you who have faced the dread of yet another Biopsy coming back with bad news and there are many that have had the all clear from it just wish we didn't have to wait.Patience is definitely a virtue I don't have a lot of , trying not to stress is something I also don't do well at, glass of wine will be definitely had tonight hell maybe even 2!

It is a bugger Kath @primek but I know that I am in the very best of hands and am really glad that I have already started treatment. I am really healthy and will stay strong x

@melclarity as always your thoughts and love are expressed so beautifully xo. I have been really strong til I read your post with only a few private tears with my husband. I started Xeloda 1500mg twice daily on Sunday, so day 5 of 14 today and am feeling really well, that's the kicker right I'm so strong and healthy who knew a secondary cancer was lurking! I am continuing to work and needing that for my sanity, my work colleagues have been amazing and thankfully life continues as normal both there and at home. I guess the biggest part of getting sick is trying not to feel like you've let the people you love down, that's probably my biggest struggle. It is so hard telling them that you have an illness that is not curable, well not currently anyway! Each time I take these meds I feel that they are kicking this horrid disease in the arse. My oncologist doesn't believe she can make the cancer disappear and her hope is that it shrinks and continues to be contained, that is the lesser of my hopes , my biggest hope is showing her that we did make it disappear and hearing that word remission again!

Manageable is mainly a good word. Not the one we want but not bad either. I'm not in your situation, I can't pretend to know how it feels but I do have two lifelong side effects of cancer treatment. And both are manageable. They are an ever present part of my life but they don't rule it. They can be really irritating but not devastating. I can live my life. I don't know how long it will be, none of us do. But it's mine, it's there and I'm going to live every minute of it. My very best wishes for managing well.

@Kat09 my heart breaks for you darling. Thanks for passing on the importance of having scans etc sooner rather than later. Sending the biggest virtual hugs #fuckcancer xxoo

Thanks to all of you for your support and kind words, starting my treatment on Sunday. Have a date at a nice restaurant tomorrow with my husband, planning on enjoying some nice food and wine before getting on with putting this monster in it's place! xoxoxox

Anxious weekend ahead | BCNA Online Network

50 Replies

iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
Thank you for your kind words
It's a path that is well trodden but I like to think that all of us can get through with the virtual friendship and support and the odd laugh!
Sending you a virtual hug xx
Kat09
Member
7 years ago
@melclarity as usual Mel your words and sentiments are heartfelt and I'm really glad that we got to know each other albeit virtually xo. Thanks as always @iserbrown you also a great support to all of us on the forum x. For all of the new members facing the uncertainty of what treatment paths lay ahead of you trust in the support and understanding that you will receive from the amazing women here that take their time to respond and care. I honestly gained a lot of strength, knowledge and a feeling of never being alone being part of this group even the times I didn't want to post just reading someone else's similar story, struggle or win was a comfort. Guess I'm a lifetime member now :smile:
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
@Kat09
Pleased to read you are coping well! The September holiday will be here soon enough!
Best wishes and keep on kicking goals! Take care
melclarity
Member
7 years ago
@Kat09 so great to hear from you, I was thinking of you the past few days, and was going to check in! Sounds like you are managing quite well on the Xeloda. I agree I think we can all resonate with that sentiment, that we never felt unwell, for me it was only ever treatment that made me unwell or has changed my quality of life...so strange isn't it?

One step at a time as you know is the only way to tackle this, you have alot to get your head around. I think you are doing an incredible job at being honest. I'm with you, I look forward to hearing some good news after the next scans!

I think this is the essence of what the Forum is about, the shared experiences but most importantly above all else is the support we show. As much as our loved ones are so amazing! they don't quite get the complexity of the whole thing in the same way as someone having gone through it. I too have always said this doesn't define us in anyway..x

I love your spark, your attitude and agree humor is everything!!! Keep on going!! big hugs xoxoxo
Kat09
Member
7 years ago
Hi girls, on day 10 of Xeloda and other than feeling a bit tired earlier at night than usual everything else is normal. I guess that's the hardest part of this whole diagnosis as I feel so well and yes I know I should be very thankful for that! I am very grateful that I was able to start my treatment so quickly as it was less than a week after my diagnosis and with every part of me I am hoping that this cancer is stopped dead in it's sneaky tracks or at the very least contained. I have scans coming up after I finish my 3rd cycle and am so scared of what they might find, but also am holding on to the positive of what they might also show ( that Xeloda has worked for me ) I know that there are numerous treatment options if anything does flare but we have a holiday planned in September and I just want to be able to enjoy those 2 weeks without the cancer crap! It is still very surreal that I now have a secondary cancer that will be part of my life forever but I am dealing with that the best way I know how and facing it for what it is. Cancer is part of our lives now but it doesn't change us or define who we are, guess it makes us a lot more resilient and definitely stronger. All of us here face our own battles and we definitely gain from being part of this forum, we not only learn from each others experiences and trials, support each other when things are crap but also have formed a great support network for every one here , there are also some laughs along the way!
melclarity
Member
7 years ago
@Kat09 uuuugh I teared up reading yours! I just wanted to say I hear you and I feel you and that you have it all inside you to put one foot in front of the other and you know what?? if thats too hard somedays??? just STAND! nothing more because that's who you are.

I'm glad to hear you still working and I think that's a great idea for your sanity and to feel most like yourself. I understand that thought of feeling of letting your family down, but this is where we need to step back be kind and really love ourselves so much more. We didnt do this to ourselves and you're not letting your family down at all, they love you.

I say power to you!!! stuff remission sister!!! lets keep talking of it gone!!! Sounds like youre off to a good start with Xeloda, so keep going.

We are all here anytime you need talk, please PM anytime too! You have lots of support...biggest hugs! xoxo M
Kat09
Member
7 years ago
@melclarity as always your thoughts and love are expressed so beautifully xo. I have been really strong til I read your post with only a few private tears with my husband. I started Xeloda 1500mg twice daily on Sunday, so day 5 of 14 today and am feeling really well, that's the kicker right I'm so strong and healthy who knew a secondary cancer was lurking! I am continuing to work and needing that for my sanity, my work colleagues have been amazing and thankfully life continues as normal both there and at home. I guess the biggest part of getting sick is trying not to feel like you've let the people you love down, that's probably my biggest struggle. It is so hard telling them that you have an illness that is not curable, well not currently anyway! Each time I take these meds I feel that they are kicking this horrid disease in the arse. My oncologist doesn't believe she can make the cancer disappear and her hope is that it shrinks and continues to be contained, that is the lesser of my hopes , my biggest hope is showing her that we did make it disappear and hearing that word remission again!
melclarity
Member
7 years ago
@Kat09 my beautiful girl!!! I only saw this post now, like you I'm not around as much anymore, I'm sorry we havent spoken for awhile either :/

I've just caught up on the whole post and want to send you the BIGGEST hug and love, you amazing wonderful woman! I remember what you went through and I agree you are in fantastic hands with your Team. Another diagnosis is our worst nightmare and you know I did this at the 4yr mark and you do absolutely think how on earth am I going to do this??? somehow you find that fire in the belly to do what you need to do! It tests your every resolve, mentally, emotionally and physically.

What I do know about you though is, you are one hell of a resilient woman who will rise and with love and support one step at a time.

How did treatment go? how are you feeling?? you've got this sweet!!! Hugs M xoxo
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
@kat09 what a so and so!
Best wishes for your treatment and here's hoping they caught it early and it will soon be a memory!
Take care
Kat09
Member
7 years ago
It is a bugger Kath @primek but I know that I am in the very best of hands and am really glad that I have already started treatment. I am really healthy and will stay strong x