Introduction
I didn't ever think I would find myself writing a blog like this.
Hi. I'm Angela. I'm 31 years old. And this was the year I was going to really start making things happen in my life. I enrolled in uni, picked up some project work, promised myself I would do more writing, travel, spend more time saying no to things I don't want to do and focussing on things I do. Funny what the universe does with you plans huh?
On New Years Eve just gone I was called into my doctors office following some tests runs post what I thought was a simple chest injury. Surprise! Not so much. They told me they thought it was breast cancer and that I would need a biopsy to confirm. Being new years the closest they could make that happen was the following monday, so i had 4 days to wait. Of course we were hosting a party that night so I left the doctors office, and did what anyone else would do. I made punch and party snacks.
That wasn't the best weekend ever. But I got through to Monday with the support of my partner and by Tuesday it was confirmed. 38mm tumour in my left breast, nodal involvement. The next few days were a fun blur of decisions. They decided we would do the full course of chemo upfront (4 cycles of once each 3 weeks then weekly for 12 weeks) then mastectomy, then radiation. It seems like everyone I read about has had surgery first, I have asked my oncologist why we are doing it this way and she tells me it gives me time to get used to the diagnoses. Whatever that means.
The hardest bit at that point was the fertility preservation options. They told me my best chance of having children in the future would be IVF and completing embryo freezing before I started chemo. And they gave me 24 hrs to decide. I have never known whether I wanted children and I have been dating my partner for about a year (we don't even live together) so making that decision was tricky. In the end I went ahead and did it, we figured at the very worst he would act as a sperm donor, but it hurt my heart to have future decisions forced and taken out of my hands like that. I know I should be grateful for having that option, and I am, It's just a lot to take on.
I started chemo about 4 weeks ago. I just completed round two last friday. The first cycle was pretty gross for the first week or so but I bounced back nicely after that. Apart from the hair loss. I ended up shaving it the night before round two because it was coming out in handfuls. I'm still unsure if it was the right move because now I can't even pretend I'm not sick. You know? Sometimes it is nice to pretend.
Now I'm recovering from round two. I feel awful. I had glandular fever once and I used to get exhausted walking from one room to the next, this is the only comparable thing to that for me. I have always been really healthy so this is tough. I've gone from training 3-4 times a week to not being able to walk to the shops. Does it get easier? Will I adjust? 6 months of this is going to destroy me.
I wish I knew how to make myself feel better. I'm taking suppliments, eating healthy food, resting, drinking water, getting massage and accupuncture but it seems like everything is two steps forward, three back.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I guess I need to start getting things out of my head, I spend all day making jokes about this, and telling everyone how it's all going to be fine, It's exhausting.
If anyone has any tips on how to come to terms with all of this, feel free to share.
That's probably enough for today.
Ange x
