relationships

Hi Vinn,so sorry to hear all this. You are in a vulnerable state at the moment and need his support. This is domestic violence or emotional abuse at its ugliest.Keep phone text records,write down his nasty conversations in a diary- just in case you need it later.I don't think there is any excusing his behaviour unless he admits he is wrong, says sorry and gets help.Good to surround yourself with family and friends who care about you.Put yourself first and when you get your strength back you'll be in a better position to make difficult decisions about your husband. My heart goes out to you- big hug.xx

Regardless of having appearance of having good intentions one moment and then being an abusive jerk the next it is not OK to act that way. He is not coping and for whatever reason is taking his frustratuons out on you but his not coping cannot be made into your problem.

He may be acting like an abusive a-hole because he is not coping or could be because he is an abusive man and is using your physicall weakness to pounce and then uses 'not coping' to get sympathy from you for his bad behaviour. Abuse is not just physical violence - emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad if not worse... And you need support NOT abuse if you are to get better. What he is doing is making you suffer both emotionally and physically and that cannot be acceptable.

All you can do is tell him to get professional help to help him understand what is going on and to find a way to cope.

I do not know him or your history so really do not want to try and judge him and what his reasons are for behaving the way he is behaving but it is not a healthy situation for yourself and not healthy for your kids.  

You have to find a way to get some peace so you can get the best outcome from your therapies. BC and beating it must be priority for you so really if there is any way you can get 3rd party help please try to do so. Since he is manipulating you having a 3rd party that is experienced in dealing with this may be the only way...

And when the active part of your therapy is done then you need to think of yourself and your kids long term. Sadly it is not just the spouse that suffers when someone is behaving the way he has been behaving. Kids are far more perceptive than given credit for and one thing you will need to remeber when this BC mess is over and you are re-evaluating that relationship is that exposing the kids to it is at the same teaching them what is 'normal' in a relationship and you will have to decide if you want them growing up learning that being treated that way is 'normal' and OK as dynamic between our parents kind of pre-programs us for life and we tend to gravitate towards spouses that exhibit that same behavious that we grew up with - even if bad and abusive ??

But right now, regardless of what he says and what he tries to persuade you into doing or not doong you must remember that you have to be No 1 so you can get better. Unless you get better there is no 'tomorrow' for resolvong problems... The fact is cancer is a deadly disease and you are fighting for your life here so he has to pull back as this is not just a a partner having a tanty and playing 'mine is bigger than yours' but a serious danger to your wellbeing so make sure you take care of you. If you can live together while javing treatent withiut allowing it to affect you negativelly hang in there but if this is getting to a point where your health is suffering you need to act to protect yourself and if you are not well at the end of this who will take care of you or your kids... 

Do what feels right for you and ignore the rest...

All the best

Jel

Hi Vinn,

my husband was useless the whole way through treatment. My brother and girlfriends who helped were so angry with him. I was also very angry at him and my boys for their lack of support. He refused to talk about it and refused to see anyone for help. He came to one appointment with me in 16 months.  It wasn't until after my treatment had finished that he was actually able to talk about it. He wasn't coping at all and didn't know what to do. As I said, doing something, anything would have been better than nothing. He just wanted things to be normal so he kept his head in the sand. I worked part time throughout 16 months of treatment, including chemo. I look back now and just don't know how I did it as I was just so ill.  I was very angry and resentful towards him and he was very angry and resentful towards the cancer but of course he couldn't take it out on the cancer so rightly or wrongly he took it out on me. My counsellor and nurses told me that I had to forget about him and concentrate on myself and what I needed. So that's what I did. I look at things now and I can see that he is depressed ( I believe he has post traumatic stress as does my counsellor). I stand my ground now though. If he says something I don't like, I tell him now. He is far more understanding now 12 months later than he ever was at the time. Look after you. And don't fret about having to go public. I went public and they were absolutely fantastic. I couldn't fault the care I received. Cancer messes with not only your head but everyone around you as well. Maybe it's the cancer or maybe it's just a bad marriage. Now is not the time to worry about that though. You need all your focus on you and gaining your health back. Stand your ground and say what you need. If you are too tired then that's just how it is. Take care of your self and vent on here anytime you need to. Karen xox

Oh wow Vinn.....Reading the rest of your added comments......I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else......

I was thinking that yes, maybe it's his way of coping....but I sadly do think it goes way deeper than that with him....sad for everyone involved.

I hope you can find the support you need....hope he finds the support he needs....

I don't know what else to say....except I wish you all the best....

I'm counting my blessings right now......

Nothing wrong with switching into the public hospital system and its saved many a marriage too. There is not way in hell we could have afforded to go private throughout my treatment.

Your husband is 6 years younger than mine but mine tells me that for years he seems to have been waylaid in the brain somehow with a men's change of life. Of course you know men, won't go to a Dr and get depression properly checked out so me in menopause and on hormone therapy and him with his depression, we just sort of muddle though. Its taken a while for hubby to admit it but now I think we are at a turning point for the better.

The way I look at it, he's lucky he got me to marry him. Also lucky I gave him children. I'm not perfect but together we are a team even if one of us goes down for a while. The vows were in sickness and in health. Remind him of this.

Hi Vinn2016. I'm sorry that you're having a rough time with your husband.

I'm concerned about what I'm hearing regarding his behaviour. It's normal for a partner to struggle with knowing how to support someone with breast cancer. We have a booklet on this topic that you can order or download. But that's no excuse for forcing  you to go out, insulting you, or making you feel humiliated. As the others have said, this is abusive behaviour and it's not ok.

I encourage you to seek support from family and friends as well as professional help. You can talk to your doctor. You can also contact Relationships Australia via the web or call them at 1300 367 277. For crisis support, you can call LifeLine on 13 11 44.

For your husband, MensLine Australia is a professional telephone and online support and information service that is available 24/7 at 1300 78 99 78.

 And if you find yourself in immediate danger, please call 000.

thank you so much guys for all your advice and support, in the end I am the only one that can sort this mess out. I am hanging in there. I just don't have the strength to fight him at the moment. My way of coping is to stay out of his way, that works. I go on my lap top and just shut him out. I also go to bed and watch my favourite TV shows like Dexter for the millionth time, not sure what it is about Dexter but I love it. MMM maybe I am sure what I love about Dexter. LOL

The good thing is I am over my chemo treatment. I'm having another operation in 2.5 weeks time and then start Radiation Therapy after that.

I am hoping to start back at gym next week as that helps me heaps to focus and get my thoughts back on track.

It's really funny last nite he was being so caring and taking my temp for me as I was not feeling the best and did end up not  going back to work that evening.

I swear it would be easier to deal with if he was nasty 24/7 at least I would know where I stood all the time. But this one minute nice and one minute nasty is the hardest to handle.

Unfortunately I don't have family that are able to help, my parents are old and don't live close by as for my siblings they haven't even acknowledged that I have cancer which is upsetting.

All my friends and work colleagues say I they can't believe how strong I am and how much I am doing while going through this, working, exercising, looking after the family still.

Hang in there and we are here any time you need us - in private messages or in the forume here ????????

Hugs

Jel.

thanks, not sure what private messages is?

Vinn 2016 I am so saddened the abuse you are going through like others dont know how it was before but there is no excuse for his behaviour.I don't believe this about the cancer it's abt his control and feeling helpless around you.We don't know how everyone reacts to the diagnosis,but,please keep the counselling up All the best with the op and radio please keep us updated for your sanity and we all care how you are going :-)