Relationships - Stronger or Weaker???

I understand. It's so nice to know that you aren't the only one. It makes you feel less alone. Xox

Thanks so much Karen.  Its not that I enjoy hearing how others have struggled but in some strange way it is a relief to know that all partners are not this fantastic supportive rock!! You have summed up exactly how I feel - disappointed.  And you are right, I had no idea of how bc affected everyone around me, each week I get a little bit more insight to how those around me were feeling and not wanting to burden me with their fears.  

Thanks again for caring.

Hi Kari,

I am 7 months post treatment. I had 16 months of surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and herceptin. In that time, my husband attended 3 drs appointments. He made a few meals each week and that was about it. He's normally pretty hopeless around the house anyway but he didn't step up at all over that period. I worked part time throughout my treatment and that upset me greatly, particularly after the fact when I realised just how damn sick I had been. 

We have only just started talking about the bc recently. He didn't know what to do to help me. He thought just being with me was enough. He struggle immensely with the thought of loosing me. He also struggled with me being so ill during chemo. He had never seen anyone so Sick before and was convinced I was going to die. He was completely overwhelmed. He didn't feel like he could talk to me at all because what he was going through was nothing compared to what I was going through. He also, he just didn't want to do the whole bc thing.  We both feel that we are suffering post traumatic stress now. The thing is, bc didn't just happen to me. It happened to him,my kids, my brother and my closest friends who supported me.it has affected all of our relationships in some way, with some negatives and some positives. 

At this time, you need to focus on you. You need to do what you need to do to get through and surround yourself with those who will support you. Look maybe you just have a bad relationship but now is not the time to be making life decisions. I would recommend getting some counselling for you both but if he won't go, as my hubby refused to, then go yourself. They will be able to give you strategies for dealing with the way you feel but also strategies for dealing with your partner. 

I love my husband and kids but have been dreadfully hurt and disappointed in the lack of support both emotionally and physically they were able to give me.  As far as my hubby and our relationship goes, I think we are  coming closer than before as we both open up about our experience of bc. Having said that though, my greatest fear is of the cancer returning as stage 4. Who is going to look after me as they have already proven that they can't/won't  look after me!  Hang in there love. Karen xox

Thank you ladies, surprising how much less emotional I feel about it once I had written it down.  I think I will take the advice and start writing things down more and give it to him to read - an insight into my feelings.  I don't think I am prepared to chuck away a man who has a huge heart but needs a bit of "training" just yet.  Luckily we have a great friendship which I imagine is why neither of us has walked out the door yet.  

Thanks again, I love having this place to confide in.

Thanks Kath, you hit it on the head - communication!!  He is a gently caring man but just so clueless. 

Hey, wow you have been through the wringer!! I hope for you that either your husband does a back flip and realise before it's too late or that you get on and enjoy life with whatever you choose to do with it.  Fingers crossed there is no 3rd time.

Kari

Dear Kari

I am sorry that you are going through all this at home as well as dealing with a stage 4 diagnosis.  I was diagnosed stage 4 in August last year and have had major surgery on my vertebrae and then a lumpectomy.  My other half has been great but sometimes he does drive me crazy.  It is a very difficult time physically and emotionally and you have the additional task of looking after three teenagers!  You must be exhausted and then to top it off you are going back to work and starting your hormone treatment. 

Is it an option for you to cut back on your work and concentrate on yourself for a while.  Hormone therapy can knock the wind out of you and the side effects are pretty average for some of us.

I am sorry to say but he needs to step up to the mark a little.  You are doing far too much and I am afraid that this will take a toll on your health and well being if you don't rest some more.  I am sure that the kids will help you out if you ask.  They are very lucky to have you.

Take care Kari and know that we are all here to support one another.

Love

Sandra

xxxxx

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Hi Kari - It's very brave of you to share your innermost thoughts.  I'm in a very happy long term marriage, 37years.  Our marriage has been built on friendship as well as, a cornerstone I believe is vital in all relationships.  We set out on life's journey and  life has thrown some dreadful curve balls at us that we've endured.

I like Rowdy's advice that she received from a Counsellor, keep a diary. Writing things down, as you've done in this post, is therapeutic.

In your post you've said that he is a very caring person and you suspect he is struggling to deal with it.  There is a building block for you "caring person".

It is only you that can decide what you want.  Eventually you'll find your new normal. Don't put undue pressure on yourself when you're dealing with healing.  As the saying goes take a deep breath, look at where you've come from for a moment or two but concentrate on the now.  The now is your most important to deal with.  You're still in the middle of the BC battle. The future will be here before you know it.

Sending you a virtual hug, take care

Christine xx

It sounds like there are 4 kids in your relationship. My sis was in a similar situation, no bc but two kids to raise. As soon as they were moved out of home she was gone. She had no wish to devote the rest of her life to raising the big pouty spoiled fat adult partner/kid. Divorce is thru in March. New life, new job, new car (he took everything plus her life savings), new big rental house. She's doing great!