Relationships - Stronger or Weaker???

Hi Kari, 

Mine is the same. I had breast cancer in 2004 with a lumpectomy and radiation and it returned same breast in 2013 and I had a mastectomy and 6 months of chemotherapy this time. My daughter took every Tuesday off to take me to chemo and my husband worked 3 days a week to look after me - the only thing he did was cook dinner at night - huge horrible meals that I couldn't eat and he'd get the shits. He admitted years earlier that he doesn't do sickness , he's not interested and doesn't really want to know about it, the selfish prick! I looked after myself with some help from my 3 kids. First time they were aged 9, 11,13 and my husband doesnt remember me going to radiation every day for 7 weeks in 2004 and sometimes I'd have to take them too as I had no one to mind them. I wasn't allowed to put anything or dressings on my breast and I'd cry myself to sleep and no pat on my back or a cuddle or any comfort from him. Same as the mastectomy , never looked at it or asked how I felt - a big fat zero, like it wasn't happening. When I was bald he wanted me to put on my wig before sex, not exactly a positive for my self esteem. I was fat, bald , had one breast and slept /cried every day for 6 months. So like you I always look after me and my kids, always have and the kids all know what their father is like too. I raised them and now they are 21, 23 and 25 . I love my husband but I don't like him at all. In the last 2 years he's turned into a nasty , mean , know it all old man. My youngest is still at home and has 2 more years of Uni to go and has just been diagnosed with Chrohns disease. After that I'm gone !! As the song by Moving Pictures says " What about Me" ! Ive looked after everyone the best years of my life and indulged , cared , loved then all and put myself last but that's going to change. I no longer want to put up with negative people and creep around on tippy toes in case he's in a shit mood.  I want to enjoy what left I have of my life and hopefully not get cancer again for the 3rd time! Life is too short and you only get one go so I'm going to make the most of what's left!  Why is it always up to the woman to try and fix relashioships when the man does nothing! You  deserve to be happy too and live a peaceful life . Hope you do??. Sorry for the long rant ! 

Hi ladies so sorry to hear your partners have not been there for you. I'm not going to say mine was perfect because we both struggled. We were having issues just before I was diagnosed and I was getting help but he always thought that it was my issue and there was  nothing wrong. I have come to the conclusion that over the 33 years we have been married I have changed and he hasn't. In his defence he did come to every doc visit and chemo and most of my herceptin. Since I have finished treatment he thinks I'm all well now and I can do everything, NO not happening. I now have a diary that I write in for things we are doing together and things that I expect help with. The advice I got from my counselor was accept that he is never going to change and find a way to deal with it. The diary has helped heaps. Thankfully my husband was never critical of my appearance and loved my bald head

I have come to the conclusion that I do love him but some times I don't like him. I have always believed that we only have one life and we need to be happy and now more than ever. Take care of yourself sending you a hug xx

My journey has just begun but my husband has been there. But this has only occurred because I had health issues and major depression before and we both have done counseling. What I learned was to tell my husband what I need. I told him when I cry I just need a cuddle. I told him I can't  do this and that. Men are very different from women and really lack that intuitive aspect that most women have. We are very good at being annoyed they didn't guess what we wanted and becoming angry when they don't do it. Lack of communication does destroy marriages...it nearly destroyed ours. But having that scare and telling him what I wanted and visa versa has made the difference. My husband was distant and basically lead a separate life...that conversation returned us to a couple. Good luck. Kath 

It sounds like there are 4 kids in your relationship. My sis was in a similar situation, no bc but two kids to raise. As soon as they were moved out of home she was gone. She had no wish to devote the rest of her life to raising the big pouty spoiled fat adult partner/kid. Divorce is thru in March. New life, new job, new car (he took everything plus her life savings), new big rental house. She's doing great!

Hi Kari - It's very brave of you to share your innermost thoughts.  I'm in a very happy long term marriage, 37years.  Our marriage has been built on friendship as well as, a cornerstone I believe is vital in all relationships.  We set out on life's journey and  life has thrown some dreadful curve balls at us that we've endured.

I like Rowdy's advice that she received from a Counsellor, keep a diary. Writing things down, as you've done in this post, is therapeutic.

In your post you've said that he is a very caring person and you suspect he is struggling to deal with it.  There is a building block for you "caring person".

It is only you that can decide what you want.  Eventually you'll find your new normal. Don't put undue pressure on yourself when you're dealing with healing.  As the saying goes take a deep breath, look at where you've come from for a moment or two but concentrate on the now.  The now is your most important to deal with.  You're still in the middle of the BC battle. The future will be here before you know it.

Sending you a virtual hug, take care

Christine xx

Dear Kari

I am sorry that you are going through all this at home as well as dealing with a stage 4 diagnosis.  I was diagnosed stage 4 in August last year and have had major surgery on my vertebrae and then a lumpectomy.  My other half has been great but sometimes he does drive me crazy.  It is a very difficult time physically and emotionally and you have the additional task of looking after three teenagers!  You must be exhausted and then to top it off you are going back to work and starting your hormone treatment. 

Is it an option for you to cut back on your work and concentrate on yourself for a while.  Hormone therapy can knock the wind out of you and the side effects are pretty average for some of us.

I am sorry to say but he needs to step up to the mark a little.  You are doing far too much and I am afraid that this will take a toll on your health and well being if you don't rest some more.  I am sure that the kids will help you out if you ask.  They are very lucky to have you.

Take care Kari and know that we are all here to support one another.

Love

Sandra

xxxxx

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Hey, wow you have been through the wringer!! I hope for you that either your husband does a back flip and realise before it's too late or that you get on and enjoy life with whatever you choose to do with it.  Fingers crossed there is no 3rd time.

Kari

Thanks Kath, you hit it on the head - communication!!  He is a gently caring man but just so clueless. 

Thank you ladies, surprising how much less emotional I feel about it once I had written it down.  I think I will take the advice and start writing things down more and give it to him to read - an insight into my feelings.  I don't think I am prepared to chuck away a man who has a huge heart but needs a bit of "training" just yet.  Luckily we have a great friendship which I imagine is why neither of us has walked out the door yet.  

Thanks again, I love having this place to confide in.