Forum Discussion
MY Hero
When i was first diagnosed in March 13 i felt that i was walking around in a daze, there was so many appointments and fast paced - go here, go there, and so on, i struggled to keep up and my mind felt very clouded.
As i sat in the many Dr appointments and tests i could hear them talking but wasn't really listening and only took in parts of the conversation, on my first visit to the chemo dept i sat there looking around at all the people thinking i didn't belong or need to be here but this was a denial on my part and when Dr's wanted to lock dates in for treatment i was like - i can't do that i work full time and treatment would just have to wait, some Dr's looked at me like i was joking but i was very serious - again this was a denial on my part, i laugh about this now but it took a long time for me to accept this as serious and do something about it as apparently it was very serious.
This is where my Hero came in, he forced me to accept what was going to be and told me very carefully that we are talking about your life- nothing is as important as your life, then said, you just need to walk, just one foot in front of the other, he attended every appointment, and treatment i had, he sat with me when i was very sick in hospital and never left my side.
No words were needed he just kept saying you can do this, WE can do this one day at a time.
The day i was diagnosed i watched the color drain from his face but that was the only time i seen him a bit scared - when we told our children and family members he was right there, being strong when i couldnt be, he shaved my head for me and helped me to feel good about it.
He was there cleaning the house when i could'nt get off the lounge, he cooked for me, he took me everywhere i needed to be, he was my eyes and ears, (even though he is slightly deaf lol he done his best) he was the one who got me blankets and hot water bottles when i was cold, he was the one who kept the house running and he was the one who stayed positive all the time and kept my spirits up even on the days i had to have my angry pills -and just didn't want to be happy, on these days he would ban me from going shopping or come with me lol.
He was the one that kept my life stable when in fact it was a very unstable time. My experience didn't just affect me but my Hero as well, more than i think i know but he is still here beside me, we are trying to get back to normal - well as normal as it can be but we are doing it together and without my Hero i could not have done this alone, yes there is alot of support out there (BCNA were amazing) family and friends also but they can't be there 24/7 like my Hero was......
Who is my HERO - My husband (hubby) as i like to call him, and i am writing this to thank him from the bottom of my heart and to remember what a wonderful man he is. xxxx
14 Replies
Many thanks to all who offered me support. I feel better already, really. Out of loyalty (and perhaps some shame) I have not really discussed this issue much with others and it feels good just to have it acknowledged in a safe environment. I have realised that I cant keep it to myself anymore and what a relief that is! I will do as you suggest and focus on me and stop protecting my partner for his shortcomings.
best wishes returned to you all.X
shat
I was lucky to have a supportive partner as well. Actually, lucky is an understatement. Halfway through my chemo he was taken into emergency with heart failure and we were both devastated. Lying on a gurney in the hospital he was explaining to them how he couldn't stay long as he had to get me to my next chemo treatment. I was struggling at this point big time. When I could get to see him at the hospital he was emotional and saying how he had let me down! We cried together, then decided to take one day at a time and get through this horrid period in our lives. I am now 6months post chemo and his cardiac myopathy is being treated with medication. We came through this and are closer now than ever. I've tried to thank him but words don't seem enough. To shat, the doctors are right, focus on yourself and get yourself better, then maybe you could deal with the other issues later. This time in your life is all about YOU, wish you all the best,
Hazel xx
- After a long teary talk with my onc nurses and onc dr on Thursday, they have all said to ignore hubby, focus on me and getting well and rely on the support that I do have. Those issues were there before so they will wait until after. See if you can get some counselling to help deal with your anger and distress now and focus on what you need to do to get well. Bc magnifies everything else at the moment for me so now is no time to make decisions on relationships and other issues that haven't been dealt with previously. Make sure you make time to be kind to yourself and do things you enjoy. Hang in there. Xoxoxo
- After a long teary talk with my onc nurses and onc dr on Thursday, they have all said to ignore hubby, focus on me and getting well and rely on the support that I do have. Those issues were there before so they will wait until after. See if you can get some counselling to help deal with your anger and distress now and focus on what you need to do to get well. Bc magnifies everything else at the moment for me so now is no time to make decisions on relationships and other issues that haven't been dealt with previously. Make sure you make time to be kind to yourself and do things you enjoy. Hang in there. Xoxoxo
- I am thinking of you too Shat.Chemo is hard enough without an added burden such as this.I think like summer says,don't give yourself any added stress by worrying about what he is doing OR not doing.Instead,lean on the help that you do have,hug your kids lots,and when this is all over,make some good choices for,yourself.You will feel better then,and your mind will be a lot clearer.Do you live in a big town where there may be a face to face group you could join? I wish you lived near me,I would love to help.:) Sending you a big cyber hug.xox Cheers Robyn
Hello Shat
I am so upset to hear of your issues. I have been thinking of you but simply don't know what to say to help you at this time.
As you said, the drinking problem is not a new thing - but he may be drinking more to block it all out. Men really are wimps when they see their partners ill and are not sure of the outcome.
I think for now you have to rely on your Mum and Sister (bless them) and make yourself the priority.
When this is sorted you can begin to look seriously at the other issue. Perhaps someone could contact the group from AA who support families ? They may just be able to give you some advice to help you get through for the moment. Does he have a mate who could assist you ?
As Dr Phil says, he has to admit he has a problem first.
I know all Network members will be thinking of you and praying to whichever God or higher being to give you strength. Love to your children as well.
Summer
I like to think my partner is supportive but it really takes more than doing a bit of exra housework. He has a drinking problem and refuses to do anything feeling within his rights because 'he has to cope with this too'. I have struggled with his excessive drinking for years but going through chemo I cant cope. When I am supposed to be recovering I have to deal with all my anger and make sure my kids are ok because he is too drunk to do so. All of lifes struggles are still there to deal with and I wish I had sorted it out long ago. I guess if me going through BC is not enough for him to make changes, nothing will be. The question that remains is what to do.?
On a good note, I too have a supportive family, (mum and sister) to be thankful for.
I like to think my partner is supportive but it really takes more than doing a bit of exra housework. He has a drinking problem and refuses to do anything feeling within his rights because 'he has to cope with this too'. I have struggled with his excessive drinking for years but going through chemo I cant cope. When I am supposed to be recovering I have to deal with all my anger and make sure my kids are ok because he is too drunk to do so. All of lifes struggles are still there to deal with and I wish I had sorted it out long ago. I guess if me going through BC is not enough for him to make changes, nothing will be. The question that remains is what to do.?
On a good note, I too have a supportive family, (mum and sister) to be thankful for.
- Yes I feel fortunate,but just because your hubby is struggling,doesn't mean he is any less worried.For a LOT of people ,a diagnosis of cancer is very frightening,especially when it is someone they love.I am sure,that when your husband realises that you are going to be OK,he will be right there by your side,as best as he can be.Stay in touch xox Cheers Robyn
- It's all the little things.... I moaned as I rolled over in bed last night and sat up contemplating wether to get up and take pills or wether to just rearrange my stack of pillows to get comfortable ... The next thing I knew there was a big warm hand rubbing my back and without even having to ask he found the sore spots, rearranged my pillows and got me settled again.. I don't even think he woke up lol
