Three years on...
It's been a while since I have been to this site. Had my three year diagnosis anniversary on the 10th December,2013. It was a busy day at work so the day just came and went. I had my private thougths about the day but didn't talk to anyone about it. I usually make a celebratory donation to the cancer council- haven't done that yet, must remember to. So have I exercised? I joined a gym earlier in the year. Started well but then work got in the way, only getting there on the weekends so the guilt got to me and I stopped. Must walk- haven't. Just can't get the motivation to do so. Have had some long days at work, leaving at 6.30 many nights, usual 10-12 hour day. I know that's not good but I won't take work home. Had realisation a few weeks ago that I am now content at work- know my job and like it. Just need to work on those hours. Depression is under control and seem to be over my anxiety. Oh, didn't mention that. In my second year I had very sad moments, crying at puppies on toilet paper ads, thought I couldn't cope at work. Cried alot. People at work could see the difference and kept asking if I was OK. I wasn't. My doc told me I had chemically induced depression from the chemo and other drugs. No stigma- it happens even to very together people like me! Got help and drugs, all back on track but it made some parts of my work very difficult, especially dealing with people and public speaking. With the help of my close work colleagues I managed to get through it. What did I learn from that- don't suffer in silence, tell your close friends/ colleagues and they wil help you. It has been a long haul but I think I'm through the worst of it. Funny how the little things catch up with you. Everyone thinks you are better when the chemo stops and the hair starts to grow back. There are so many little things that have changed in me. Discomfort from the mastectomy and reconstruction, sore weak joints, tingly feet and hands, feel like an old woman some days, hair still looks like a gollywog. Have put on weight, about 4.5 kgs, feel fat - could be the medications but probably my laziness and too many charrdys. My state of mind is very different too, for the better I reckon- no longer worry about what others think, what I think matters. Doesn't hurt to be nice to people- what can I do that might make a little difference in someones life today. Helps me in the work that I do with kids and their parents. My colleagues may not always see it my way but thats no biggy to me. I confront bulls**t better now too. If I don't like it I'll have a conversation with that person, whereas before I would have suffered in silence and stewed over it. I have continued seeing my BC ladies group. They are lovely. We had our Xmas lunch yesterday- lots of fun. Its nice to be with people who have been through a similar experience. I recommend joining a group. I started with these gals just as my hair started to fall out and they have been great. I don't get to all of the get togethers due to work but they understand that and chastise me sometimes about how many hours I spend doing my job. Need grounded gals like this around me. But we have fun and laugh alot when we meet up. So thats me three years on, where I am at now. I need to work on my fitness, need some motivation there. Need to get work/ life balance under better control. I'll work on that. Looking forward to a good 2014. Cheers...L
Comments
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Hi Leanne, thanks for sharing that. I am only part way through the process, but I do find myself wondering how I will be after treatment. I know we are all different and I won't know the answer till the time comes. I always thought when it's all done, I will just continue on with my life as before. It is sinking in that life will never be quite the same. I had depression and anxiety before my diagnosis, but I'm hoping I can come out of this a stronger person. I wish you continued health and best wishes for a great 2014:)
Hazel xx
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Hi Leanne, thanks for sharing that. I am only part way through the process, but I do find myself wondering how I will be after treatment. I know we are all different and I won't know the answer till the time comes. I always thought when it's all done, I will just continue on with my life as before. It is sinking in that life will never be quite the same. I had depression and anxiety before my diagnosis, but I'm hoping I can come out of this a stronger person. I wish you continued health and best wishes for a great 2014:)
Hazel xx
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Hi Hazel. Thanks for your comments. Yes, I too thought that all would be good after I finished the treatment, got back to work and my hair grew back ( which after two years it is still not as I hoped it would be). Be aware I'm not complaining about it but I am a very different me. Most changes are for the better- my outlook on world and life I love the best. I'm not happy about my physical changes but I have alot to contribute to that myself- so I just have to find the motivation to do something about it. I'm cautious about who I talk to about "My Journey"- I soooo used to hate that phrase at the beginning but it really is a journey! I hadn't suffered from anxiety or depression before so it hit me like a rock when I did. As I said in the blog- I learnt to let people help me- Ms Independent that I am. But I was selective about who I talked to about it. Good luck with it all. Look for help when you need it, there is so much around. Don't be afraid to ask. This website is great and support groups too. I found my group from this site. All the best and have a great Christmas...L
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Hi Hazel. Thanks for your comments. Yes, I too thought that all would be good after I finished the treatment, got back to work and my hair grew back ( which after two years it is still not as I hoped it would be). Be aware I'm not complaining about it but I am a very different me. Most changes are for the better- my outlook on world and life I love the best. I'm not happy about my physical changes but I have alot to contribute to that myself- so I just have to find the motivation to do something about it. I'm cautious about who I talk to about "My Journey"- I soooo used to hate that phrase at the beginning but it really is a journey! I hadn't suffered from anxiety or depression before so it hit me like a rock when I did. As I said in the blog- I learnt to let people help me- Ms Independent that I am. But I was selective about who I talked to about it. Good luck with it all. Look for help when you need it, there is so much around. Don't be afraid to ask. This website is great and support groups too. I found my group from this site. All the best and have a great Christmas...L
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Hi Hazel. Thanks for your comments. Yes, I too thought that all would be good after I finished the treatment, got back to work and my hair grew back ( which after two years it is still not as I hoped it would be). Be aware I'm not complaining about it but I am a very different me. Most changes are for the better- my outlook on world and life I love the best. I'm not happy about my physical changes but I have alot to contribute to that myself- so I just have to find the motivation to do something about it. I'm cautious about who I talk to about "My Journey"- I soooo used to hate that phrase at the beginning but it really is a journey! I hadn't suffered from anxiety or depression before so it hit me like a rock when I did. As I said in the blog- I learnt to let people help me- Ms Independent that I am. But I was selective about who I talked to about it. Good luck with it all. Look for help when you need it, there is so much around. Don't be afraid to ask. This website is great and support groups too. I found my group from this site. All the best and have a great Christmas...L
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Hi Hazel. Thanks for your comments. Yes, I too thought that all would be good after I finished the treatment, got back to work and my hair grew back ( which after two years it is still not as I hoped it would be). Be aware I'm not complaining about it but I am a very different me. Most changes are for the better- my outlook on world and life I love the best. I'm not happy about my physical changes but I have alot to contribute to that myself- so I just have to find the motivation to do something about it. I'm cautious about who I talk to about "My Journey"- I soooo used to hate that phrase at the beginning but it really is a journey! I hadn't suffered from anxiety or depression before so it hit me like a rock when I did. As I said in the blog- I learnt to let people help me- Ms Independent that I am. But I was selective about who I talked to about it. Good luck with it all. Look for help when you need it, there is so much around. Don't be afraid to ask. This website is great and support groups too. I found my group from this site. All the best and have a great Christmas...L
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Thank you for sharing your 'journey'. I also really hated the word journey. I thought it somehow trivialised my diagnosis or tried to 'pretty it up'. But I have come to realise that it truly is a journey. Not one that anyone wants to travel but a journey none the less. I am at one year now of mine and have learnt a lot about myself and my attitude to life. I can fully understand how this can throw you into depression. I think after the tough stuff was over for me like the chemo and major surgery I had been left to my own devices so to speak. My medical appointments went from every three weeks to every three months which put me into a bit of a panic. You are so well looked after during chemo that when it's finished and your Onc says "well I don't need to see you again for another 3 months" it seems that the rug has been pulled from under you. "But who's going to checking if everything is alright?" Apprehension was the first thing I felt. Anxiety and Depression I can very easily understand anyone falling into after it's all supposedly 'done and dusted'. People expect you to just pick up the pieces and carry out and some women can do that. I hope I'm one of them but we need to remember that we have looked at our own mortality and that's scary stuff. Nobody should think they have failed in some way because they haven't gotten back to normal. Life is pretty fluid anyway. We also mustn't think we've failed when we haven't changed the way we live our lives either. Yes it's great to exercise and eat all the right things. We should all do that and it will make us feel a lot better. But none of us will ever know if this will stop cancer in it's tracks for all of us. Some of the most fit and healthy people in the world have been diagnosed with some form of it. So Leanne I think from what I've read of your three year anniversary, you are doing alright.
All the best
Janey xxx0 -
Leanne, thanks so much for posting. I have only just finished active treatment and am beginning to understand that what's 'normal' for me now is going to be a moving target for a while. Hearing where you are at 3 years is a great reminder to adapt to changes and ask for help. I remember someone else mentioning that they thought cancer treatment was going to be a detour and eventually life would be back on the same track. Well, of course, this isn't right. Things will never be the same and that's not all bad I guess. I love your idea of marking your anniversary with a donation. All the best for 2014
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Leanne, thanks so much for posting. I have only just finished active treatment and am beginning to understand that what's 'normal' for me now is going to be a moving target for a while. Hearing where you are at 3 years is a great reminder to adapt to changes and ask for help. I remember someone else mentioning that they thought cancer treatment was going to be a detour and eventually life would be back on the same track. Well, of course, this isn't right. Things will never be the same and that's not all bad I guess. I love your idea of marking your anniversary with a donation. All the best for 2014
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Hi Janey. Thanks for your kind words and congrats on your first anniversary. I noticed you mention your hair has grown back grey. Yeh, I went through the grey haired butch phase too. I eventually started buying those $5 six wash hair colours and put them in evey few weeks. Made me feel better about the short curly hair, having been a long haired gal all of my life. My hair is no longer so grey, even without the colours. So the grey shock will wear off. I wore a wig most of the time as I work at a high school but the day I decided to go wigless the kids all said how great I looked and were really complimentary. Little luvs they are! As my hair grew longer I straightened it for a while with one of those Instylers, they are great but you have to spend time doing hair every morning. Watch out for those melt downs- they may be normal but could be the sign of something bigger. So if they keep coming see your doc. Thanks for your encoragement about my lack of motivation for better health. I eat well but need to do more exercise. I see my onc in April and he is super fit so the thought of seeing him is starting to scare me into some exercise. I will start walking. There, now I've said it, I will do it! Enjoy the first day of your second year. Do something special for yourself- hey, go buy a hair colour and go brown again for Xmas. Cheers...L xx
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Hi Anna. Thanks for your reply. Yeh, the "new normal" thing is another of those phrases I hated at first until I realised it actually was the reality. I wonder sometimes where I would be and what I would be like if I didn't get the cancer- like that movie "Sliding Doors". Anna, as the rollercoaster of treatment and appts slows down your normal will start to emerge. Make it what you want it to be. I chose to return to full time work after a graduated return. I struggled with tiredness for along time so made weekends for rest and very slow housework. I went to bed early every night. I let my standards slip and hubby stepped up a bit more with the vacuuming and stuff. Hey, if the washing didn't get put away we picked out of the basket all week. No one complained. I didn't get alot of outside help like I hear others get- my mum died in the August of my first year so my extended family had other stuff to deal with. Didn't feel like I should burden them. Everyone thought I was so strong and positive and told me what a rock I was. Some days I didn't feel like that, just wanted someone to take control and run the show but I suppose as mums and wives we do that. I have a new saying that I tell myself and my family sometimes "Take the responsibility off my shoulders". It is rarely taken from me but at least they know thats how I feel. I have developed a certain assertiveness that I think my hubby doesn't like so much. I reckon I'm here for a good time, maybe not such a long time now as my health has been compromised so I do pretty much what I want to do. I have bought property- always wanted to do that but hubby said no. I bought my mums unit and have since bought two more. So I became a landlord. Would never have done that without the cancer. It's an investment in mine and my kids future- there's that sense of uncertainty kicking in. I said to hubby the other day that I reckon mum would be proud of me for doing this as she knew that's what I always talked about. Hubby said he was proud of me too! Go figure. So normal is what it is. Now I just need to exercise and work on my health, oh, and make that donation. I'll do that today. You'll work it out. Don't be the target, take some control and make wise decisions for YOU. You can be selfish now, in a nice way. All the best with it Anna. Look after yourself and have a great Xmas...L xx
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Thanks Leanne. I will watch out in case the mini ones turn into not so mini.
J x0
