Feeling alone & overwhelmed

Poppet70

Hi, I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year at age 42. My mother passed away from 2ndary breast cancer at 41. I had a tumour in my right breast & a suspicious area in my left. I opted to have a double mastectomy & reconstruction which involved 3 operations from march 2012 to end of November 2012. I also started hormone treatment, zoladex & Tamoxifen. Around September my partner informed me he was having doubts about our relationship. We had been together almost 2 years & living together for a year. I moved in with him & his daughters who he had half time. I asked him at the time if he wanted me to move out. He said no & wanted to support me through my last operation. He also sought some counseling at my suggestion. This added to my stress as he was telling me I'd changed & was not the person he fell in love with & that the last time he could remember being happy was when he was single. 2weeks before Xmas he told me he was leaning towards wanting to give it a go, so I began to feel some hope. Then 2 days before New Years he told me he no longer wanted to continue, he didn't love me & wanted me to move out. He said there was no rush, but I found myself spiraling into a pit of depression & anxiety & so my family moved me out. I didn't even get to say goodbye to his daughters whim id come to live. I have ended up back living with my father & ended up spending 5 weeks in a private psychiatric hospital trying to get back on track. I feel like I just start to get back on track & something else happens. I'd managed to get back to work 2 days/wk then found out my ex was already dating someone I know he met when we were still together. He said it didn't start until after but it was pretty quick & so much for his 'I just want to be single and life be easy'. This again heightened my depression. It's equally difficult as we work for the same organization but different sections. Just when I thought I was getting over him & back on track, I've just had to have my gallbladder out, had complications caused by the tamoxifen which required a small procedure & now come down with a virus while recovering from these ops. I feel like I can't cop an even break & am finding my anxiety rising again. I know I'm not alone & my family loves me, but it has just felt all so hard out of late. The vision I had of my light at the end of the tunnel was closed off by my ex. I want & need to get past this & have been getting ongoing psychiatric help, but it's so hard doing it alone.

juliegl

I know this is a difficult time for you and breast cancer is completely sucky. Your ex sounds disgusting and a good thing he has gone. It's great you are getting psychiatric help and have a wonderful supporting family. I know its my faith in God and my family and friends that have made this journey bearable. I hope that you will find the help you need to get back on track and don't let that disgusting low life cloud it for you forever. Grieve for a time but try and bounce back. I have loved the support group I joined and have found connecting with people my age with breast cancer very encouraging. What is really great is the determination we all have in making the most of life and not letting the bc take control. There is no "woe is me attitude" even the ones with secondary cancers. Try and find another job and give yourself a fresh start with good challenges if you can. I know when I had ex boyfriends- the ones I didn't have to connect with regularly where much easier to get over. You are a survivor. You are in good company. THere are plenty of people on this site for you to connect with. Try and find a support group to join and look at this time as an opportunity for a fresh start. Grieve, eat chocolate but then start to live. Go for long walks in beautiful places.

I have a blog if you are interested
myjourneyupdate.wordpress.com

All the best to you.
Julie

louiseg

Oh you've had an awful time! I can't understand how your ex put you through this at a time when you need all your strength and all the love behind you...it certainly seems like a good thing that he has gone! That said though, it is always hard when you break up with someone, even if you aren't dealing with cancer as well. It must be really hard seeing him all the time at work and even worse, with someone else. Time will heal that hurt but you need to give it time...

Where are you Poppet? Maybe if we know where you live we can help you to find some support in your local area?

Take care,
Louise x

Mich x

Hey poppetWelcome and so glad you found us.  Have you stopped to think of just how strong you are????  Because believe me you are!!!!  You have been to hell and back and hell and back so many times but you still come out fighting.  You need to believe in yourself because there is not many of us women who could have been through what you have been through and still have the courage to keep on fighting and reaching out for help.  I honestly do believe you are amazing.It defintely sounds like you are blessed to be rid of that weazel of a so called man.  I feel sorry for his poor daughters and his new lady.  You are so lucky to have him out of your life.  If it means completely disconnecting from him then I agree try and find a job away from anything connected with him but if you can continue to be the strong person you are then pick yourself up AGAIN like you have before and look him straight in the eye and tell him how you feel or if that is pushing the boundaries at least show him he hasn't won and hasn't managed to keep you down without you getting up to fight back. Show him you don't need weazels like him in your life anymore.  Some so called males are just sooooooo weak.  I am married to a wonderful man but yes it does get very testing on the relationship sometimes and I have been thinking lately that we don't laugh and smile and have fun like we used to but then BC can do that to you for a while but I am sure it will slowly return to our lives as my health/moods/pain etc. are under control and our relationship will return to normal but it does take a decent man and a strong caring man to hang in there and help you through.  If we BOTH want to put in a little effort we can get back to where we were.  You don't have that strong man to get you through but you are obviously blessed to have loved ones around you who have stood by you and helped you through.We all seem to get setbacks in one way or another in our recovery from BC and it is a tough road but you have ridden most of it and have nearly come out the other side to see that light at the end of the tunnel.  Keep on kicking your way through and you will get there I am sure.Now is the time that you can spend nurturing yourself and doing the things in life that will help you get better.  Exercise (yuk what a dirty dirty word but all I can say is it has helped me - very small steps to start and then build on it from there.  It is like BC survival in that it doesn't happen over night but it will happen).Like all the other beautiful pink sisters have suggested find a support group, find an exercise group (we have one through Cancer Council called Encore here in Perth and it is free and a good place to start.  You may have something different where you are but give it a go).  Water aerobics, walking, Curves ladies only circuit groups, any of these are good places to start.Just remember we are here for you and will support you in every single way we can  so you are not doing this on your own.  If you need to seek more councelling to get over this latest hurdle then do so.  If you are on anti-depressants which seems norm for most people these days not just the ones who have BC then I suggest you speak with your GP and change them or up them but they obviously need to be looked into more closely.  Keep on keeping on kiddo cause you are amazing and have done so well.Lots of love always, Mich xoxo

NaturalBel

I can so relate to how youre feeling, I had a shock when I was Engaged to a school teacher and he left me for a student.   He had just told me to start organising our Wedding, and behind my back there was another girl.  I had similar feelings to you about being devastated and at 27, moved back home.  I can look back now I am married to the right man, and know she did me a favour.  I had only wasted 2 years with him, and really, he wasnt that perfect for me.  I hear it is quite common for a relationship to be tested to breaking, I just think its a sure fire way to sort a weak one from a strong one.  What helped me, lots of books on being positive, lots of walking and years of time.  ah was it meant to be a quick fix.  I wish I had have been kinder to myself back then, I sometimes would spend a lot of time thinking I wasnt good enough, and I kinda went around in circles with bad relationships to compound it.  I eventually spent a lot of time being single and finding the great friends that fit that scene, but when a love leaves, it hurts no matter who with, the circumstances, or how long you have loved them.  I wish there was a magic wand to help, but the magic can only come from you if you allow yourself time to heal, grow and have a great life.  I have always said when sh... goes wrong "Oh, its my turn again"  and tend to bounce back better now Im 47.  I also didnt find my husband until I was 39, which surprised me I found him at all.  One day I hope you can look back and say "Hey he wasnt right for me, I need to wait for Mr Right !"  I mean only the best in hoping you sort it through (it did take me a long time to get over that broken engagement, may you not take as long as I.  With kindness Bel

pisces_tas

Wow, so much has happened to you recently. I too was 42 when first diagnosed, way back in 1998. I too had husband leave me ( it was sort of on the cards before diagnosis, but the BC was a catalyst and I DID change emotionally and coming to terms with physical changes, after drug regime due to flushes and strange thinking, also dryness and lack of libido ..etc etc..Who would not change. ! ?? ! LOL ..Well done to have come this far and to have support from your family. It is a HUGE adjustment and the journey is emotional and physical, plus there are financial concerns understandably..regarding work, and others, like day to day stuff.. etc.  ) I also had a depressive episode and felt I could not go on, and eventaully saw a pysch profesional and took, still take, a low dose antidepressant. It  also helps with some pain and discomfort too, which when I feel that, makes me start thinking of the pain and not able to do much else, therefore spiral down again. Life is too short to be miserable. Keep searching for what YOU need for you to get through this and beyond. Seeking support from doctor, BC nurse,family, friends.. is ok and even encouraged. It can be a hard slog on your own, even though each journey is individual.  The loss of the children of your ex partner you grew to love, must be hard too. Can you write them a letter and tell them if they want to contact you in future, then here is your number? They may be feeling the loss also?

 I too have LOVED and lost. Letting go is hard. But, you cannot force people to like you, let alone Love you.

 All the best.. Kathy. OOXX

Poppet70

Sounds like you know exactly how I have been feeling. Yes, who fairly wouldn't expect us to change a little as we get used to all the physical & emotional changes we & our bodies are going thro. You expect that those who love you will understand that, & also that its not always going to be that way & keep the faith with us that things will get better. I have been in contact with my ex's children's mother via Facebook, & she doesn't mind me contacting from time to time to see how they are. I've actually just posted the eldest one a card & small gift for her 13th birthday. This had been a nice way of staying in touch without involving my ex, even tho I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I just don't want to step on the toes of his new relationship, so to speak.