Intimacy
Hello Ladies - I have a question reguarding my husband's feelings towards me since my bi-lateral mastecomy. Every birthday, we have sex ,my husband's birthday was on the 18th and despite me letting him know I was ready,he avoided me and come to bed after I had fallen asleep and is now blaming me for not staying awake. He won't talk to me about it and I don't know what to do and feel that he thinks I'm ugly and it has upset me and made me feel unconfident in my looks, I'm also bald due to chemo. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you Leanne xx
Comments
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Hey LeanneIntimacy mmmmmm I think it is one of the hardest things to come out of BC journey..........To make light of your post I did have a giggle when I read that you had sex on your birthdays so I thought mmmmmm that sounds like my relationship at the moment. Sex twice a year LOL hee hee hahaha I did see the funny side of it but I do know sincerely that it isn't funny what you are having to deal with at the moment. Sex in most relationships plays an inaugural part and when that isn't working properly along with all the other crap we go through with this bloody BC diagnosis it is very concerning.It is very hard for husbands to discuss their sex life as every man has an ego and there is so much in the media etc. that makes sex into something out of this world. I know my hubby is finding it difficult to deal with my lack of libido because being the beautiful person that he is and a male he believes making love is his main way of showing me how much he loves me but for me at present sex is definitely not up there on the top of my list right now. I probaby have good old Femara along with a whole pile of other things to thank for that.Communication in relationships is probably number two on the list of being able to work through your marraige. I hope you and hubby can work past the blame game. I know my hubby was very scared in the beginning of hurting me following my surgery etc. so he did tend to leave me alone more than normal.If your hubby is unwilling to talk to you to tell you how he is feeling or more importantly at the moment for you to be able to tell him how you are feeling. Perhaps you could sit down and poor your heart out to him with pen and paper?? It has worked for me before.I am truly sorry that you are struggling with this and I really hope you and hubby can work through this and move past it and just enjoy the fact that you are still alive to enjoy your lives together as a family.Good luck luvy and as Tonya said get a hold of the fact sheet and booklets. If you are still struggling then there is the Cancer Council hotline on 131120 where you can chat to someone or there is your breast nurse from the hospital who can perhaps give you details of someone who can chat with you. Most importantly remember that we are here to support you and I am sure there are so many of us pink sisters who can relate very well to your situation.Lots of love, Mich xoxo0
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Hi Leanne, Where do I start to support you? Without knowing what stage you are at in your treatment or what meds you are on, I can only comment on how I "ride" the intamcy trail. Being on Arimidex my libido has pretty well "sailed away" compared to how it was prior to bc diagnosis over 6 years ago. I am thankful that my husband works so hard and is very tired most of the time - going to bed way before me. I find myself counting the days - dreading the "gaps" between sessions knowing that I will need to "get in the mood". So probably I am lucky that my husband still finds me desireable. (not getting to a solution for your problem yet) When I first had surgery, my husband avoided me too not wanting to hurt me. Then when I had chemo he would "freak out" when I went to bed without a cap to hide the bald head. And of course during chemo ,sex was limited due to toxicity issues and of course illness. It really is a timing thing - my husband was sympathic to my needs (or lack of) when I was ill so now It is about me being aware of supporting his needs and being more available than I really want to be. The starting point for you is through your mouth - it is called communication. Find out exactly how he feels about everything. You may need to talk to a professional - the sooner the quicker you will solve the issue. I do use a lot of humour - even in intimacy. Good luck XLeonie
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Hi Leanne, Where do I start to support you? Without knowing what stage you are at in your treatment or what meds you are on, I can only comment on how I "ride" the intamcy trail. Being on Arimidex my libido has pretty well "sailed away" compared to how it was prior to bc diagnosis over 6 years ago. I am thankful that my husband works so hard and is very tired most of the time - going to bed way before me. I find myself counting the days - dreading the "gaps" between sessions knowing that I will need to "get in the mood". So probably I am lucky that my husband still finds me desireable. (not getting to a solution for your problem yet) When I first had surgery, my husband avoided me too not wanting to hurt me. Then when I had chemo he would "freak out" when I went to bed without a cap to hide the bald head. And of course during chemo ,sex was limited due to toxicity issues and of course illness. It really is a timing thing - my husband was sympathic to my needs (or lack of) when I was ill so now It is about me being aware of supporting his needs and being more available than I really want to be. The starting point for you is through your mouth - it is called communication. Find out exactly how he feels about everything. You may need to talk to a professional - the sooner the quicker you will solve the issue. I do use a lot of humour - even in intimacy. Good luck XLeonie
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Hey LeonieI like your very suttle humour, well done.Mich xoxo0
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Hi Leanne,
I'm glad the ladies have jumped on here to share their comments. I thought I would also mention that if you haven't already, you may like to read BCNA's book on breast cancer and sexual wellbeing, available for download or by calling us on 1800 500 258. It discusses things like feeling uncomfortable with the way you look, and also suggests practical ways to build intimacy with your partner.
All the best Leanne
Annie
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Hi Leanne,
I'm glad the ladies have jumped on here to share their comments. I thought I would also mention that if you haven't already, you may like to read BCNA's book on breast cancer and sexual wellbeing, available for download or by calling us on 1800 500 258. It discusses things like feeling uncomfortable with the way you look, and also suggests practical ways to build intimacy with your partner.
All the best Leanne
Annie
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Hello - how are you all today ? I'm ok except tired. Leonie, I am having my 6th out of 6 chemo ( last one ) on the 1st May and have been having FEC 100 each 3 weeks. Then on 24th May, I continue with my breast re-constuction, which is more saline in my tissue expanders and then implants ( hopefully a size C cup ) . When I think back on our 30 year marriage,we have had a few issues with communication - hubby likes to be right and sulks when I want to thrash something out, which frustrates me cos I like to talk things out. He doesn't seem to mind my bald head but it seems to be my breasts and I was able to save my nipples so I look normal but small and scarred. I will be dissappointed if his attitude changes with C cup perky implants and faded scars cos to me that's not fair. Sorry to rant and thank you again for your input. Take care Leanne Xxx
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Hi Leanne
No matter what..... you are always beautiful, inside and out.
It has been tough on you as well as your hubbie. Men, I find, are like cave men, they hunt and bring home the "bacon". If they can't fix a problem, then they find it hard to accept. And, maybe you have been the problem (as you have been sick), and he can't fix it. Seeing you sick and going through so much, he is finding it hard to accept. He may have the excuse, but maybe deep down, it really relates to another matter, you and not being healthy and normal like it was before.
As the other girls have said, you need to communicate either by talking about it, or putting it to pen and paper.
I always, told my hubbie, how I felt with everything during this horrible time.
If he, didn't know what was going on in my mind. He just walked on egg shells.
We all, have had the sex problem, and I admit still, I find it hard and hurts.
Don't cover yourself up, cos remember, the person on the inside is still there. You are and will be always beautiful, you need to tell yourself that.... every day.
Smile
Make a date night with your hubby, and surprise him with a lovely cooked dinner (or even better, takeway) Make time for each other, it may lead to talk and the other thing.........
hope we have helped in some way.
Love and big hugs Julie XX
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Hi Leanne
No matter what..... you are always beautiful, inside and out.
It has been tough on you as well as your hubbie. Men, I find, are like cave men, they hunt and bring home the "bacon". If they can't fix a problem, then they find it hard to accept. And, maybe you have been the problem (as you have been sick), and he can't fix it. Seeing you sick and going through so much, he is finding it hard to accept. He may have the excuse, but maybe deep down, it really relates to another matter, you and not being healthy and normal like it was before.
As the other girls have said, you need to communicate either by talking about it, or putting it to pen and paper.
I always, told my hubbie, how I felt with everything during this horrible time.
If he, didn't know what was going on in my mind. He just walked on egg shells.
We all, have had the sex problem, and I admit still, I find it hard and hurts.
Don't cover yourself up, cos remember, the person on the inside is still there. You are and will be always beautiful, you need to tell yourself that.... every day.
Smile
Make a date night with your hubby, and surprise him with a lovely cooked dinner (or even better, takeway) Make time for each other, it may lead to talk and the other thing.........
hope we have helped in some way.
Love and big hugs Julie XX
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