Getting ready for chemo again

Sorry, thought I was adding this to 'my blog'.  I had a mini meltdown when I realised I had posted a general blog.  Never mind, I feel better for just saying something.

I felt very sad when I read how you are feeling. Let''s face it this whole cancer thing is the pits and chemo makes you feel like crap most of the time. Especially when you seem to get the side effects that no one else gets. But it is better than the alternative and with two to go there is almost a light at the end of that tunnel. Trust me the surgery is easier.

I hope things go as well as they can this time and don't worry about the house, a wise surgeon once said to me that no one died from a messy house. She was right but I do understand how you feel. Try not to feel disappointed in yourself, you can share as little or as much as you like about yourself on this forum and there are lots of people who want to help.

Keep in touch.

Kay  

Hi Janeann

Sorry to hear you are feeling crappy.  Having said that I do remember that I felt exactly the same as you.  I went to a physologist (not sure of the spelling) at my surgeons request.  I remember sitting there thinking what the hell am I gonna say.  I ended up opening up to her and telling her that I felt that I was not being a wife or keeping house (all the things that you said and more) and just felt overwhelmed by it all.  She suggested some day care for my two year old, a house cleaner and an ironing lady.  She explained that I would be able to get these services subsidised if I could not afford them.  I broke down and said "why the hell would I want to admit to anyone that I could not do these things that defined me as a woman/wife and mother.

In time I made a comprimise and had day care for just one day a week from 9 -12.  And I got a cleaning lady too.  I still did the general tidy up and just left the yucky stuff to a lovely cleaning lady.  Now i still have a cleaning lady because as i feel better I do not want to be cleaning and doing all the boring stuff, I want to be out doing fun stuff with my beautiful family.

I guess what I am trying to say is, try not to beat yourself up.  Chemo is probably the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life, so be kind to yourself and dont worry about the cleaning.  Or, if you are like me and still like it to be spotless, maybe get some help with the "yucky" stuff .  There are lots of free services available.   i felt exactly the same as you, but boy how my attitude has changed.  If I could afford it I would palm it all out!!  lol, cleaning, ironing, mowing, window washer, car wash........,mmmmmmmmmmmm  no issues with doing it all myself now......lol

Only two to go......what an achievment.  Hang in there hon and give yourself a break.

Tanya

Thanks Kay for your words of wisdom. 

Is it okay to say out loud that what life has dealt us is the pits and I am angry?

I don't get out much and find constant visitors overwhelming.  I know people mean well and I am lucky to have so many supporters, but sometimes I find well wishers stareing at me and saying 'you do look well', or 'your a champ, you going so well', 'keep up the positive attitude", when I feel crap, I look terrible (no hair, swollen eyes, nails falling off) and the only thing I am positive about is that there is still a long way to go. All I want is for someone to say the truth -  "you look like crap, is there anything I can do".  Then I can break down and cry and not be the super, strong, positive person, that I am not.

I hate having to pretend everything will be okay, I am scared.  I know in time it will be, but my head isn't there yet.  I am focusing on small goals, like only 2 more chemos after this mornings one.

Sorry to be so morbid today, but 2 girls are away with another family for the weekend and feel lost without them.

Kay, I really appreciate your support and kind words. I feel better for getting things off my chest, even in a more public way then I thought I was doing.

Thank Tanya for replying.  I havn't had an opportunity to talk to anyone with breast cancer before.  I am glad I am not the only one who likes to keep house.  Its very important to me.

My mother who is nearly 80 comes Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 to sit with me after chemo for the first 2 weeks.  I get really stressed as I too find it difficult to have someone else do my chores (that I want to do myself) on a daily basis.  Especially my elderly mother, but she is a woman on a mission and there doesn't seem anything I can do to stop her.  I feel useless.

I tried to go to work but was incapable of walking up a flight of steps and they all felt sorry for me and could only come up with filing for me to do as they have employeed a woman to do my job full time till I am better.  Again I felt useless.

My girls are 12 and are sick of me being sick and that hurts more than anything.  I dont know what I can do to make it up to them or my husband.  Any suggestions on what I could do on my good days (besides doing my own housework)

I am trying not to be hard on myself but I hear so many stories of women coping, achieving and getting on with their lives during their treatment, Why can't I be one of them?

As of this morning there are only 2 more chemos to go, hopefully things will pick up.

Thankyou so much for listening.  I probably ramble on incoherently, but thats the way I think it.  I felt so isolated before, I feel better now.  Thanks

Glad you feel better for talking.  There is no way that I could have worked during chemo.  It knocked me for 6.  You will more than make it up to your kids when you are better .  What sort of things do your girls like to do?  It is the simple things that will enrich their lives.  On your good days do something completely spontaneous and different.  Go see a show, take a mystery flight (there are some great specials at the moment $49).  Just have a movie night at home on matresses on the floor in the lounge.  Buy halloween costumes and stalk the neighbours.  I know these all probably sound like far fetched ideas but that is what makes them fun and easy to organise if you are not well . On my well days we used to take turns on a Friday night and someone would pick a take away (usually pizza - urgh!!) and someone else would pick where we would go to eat it.  Park, banks of the river, up the hill at sunset.

Your mother probably gets great pleasure out of doing the chores for you.  As a mother, can you imagine watching your child sick.  By doing chores, she feels she is making it easier for you and helping you.  And your kids are probably frightened that if you are sick you are getting worse!  Children have a different way of thinking.  One simple thing that I did with my son, was ask "do you have anything you want to ask me?  nothing is out of bounds".  So whilst they may be sick of you being sick, talk to them and see if there is anything else on their mind.

I used to like to keep my house spotless to and I still do, I just do it better now.  I say OK everyone helps a little and it will be all done sooner and we can be out of here. 

I did very little during my treatment, picking up the kids from school needed a nanna nap afterwards and that was on a good day, but I am so making up for that now.  Everyone is different and responds differently to treatment. 

Please come and have a chat when ever you need to, try to do just something little for yourself.  I have heard you say you want to make it up to your husband and kids, and that is great. But just try and do one little thing for YOU.  Maybe say to your mum one day.  Lets leave the folding up, make a sandwiche and sit in the park and feel the sun on our face????  When you start to love yourself more, there will be more of you for your family.

I do hope that I do not come across as all warm and fuzzy and nothing can dent my armour.  I do feel great now and my life if great, but I have been where you are now and I felt exactly the same as you so please know that I am trying to help..

Hugs.

Tanya

Hi Janeann! Glad you found your way here, just ask if you need a hand with anything.

Also, I wanted to let you know we managed to get your post into the right place now so it's appearing in your blog!  (It was indeed the pesky bug that we haven't been able to fix yet, so don't feel as though you made a mistake :).