My best friend
I realised that I very rarely write about my husband. There are many reasons for this. He is private. I don't feel I have as much right to share about him here as I do my children and I - I respect this.
I must say though he is my rock. He is my best friend. He is another reason for waking in the morning and being grateful for being alive. It is difficult for him. It is difficult for us. While I imagine dying, he imagines life without me - who am I to presume what is worse? Is my pain at dealing with a prognosis that ends in dying from this disease worse than his pain at watching it happen?
Honestly, I have felt some jealousy at times. I want to be here, to see our children grow up - to grab every positive there is in being the one to survive. Yet, how would I feel if the role were reversed? I imagine, much like him - fearful, despondant, hopeful, realistic.
Oh but I love him dearly. When I ask will the 5 year lease on my car be easy to get out of if he needs to he says - we don't worry about those things. He eagerly considers our next big trip - when I am lucky to think beyond the next 3-6 weeks. I live in cycles, he dreams in years. I want to grow old with you - I want to beg you to buy a campervan and know how much you will hate it! One minute up the next minute down - you are so much better at living right now than I am. Thank you!
I am travelling ok - treatment is taking its toll this time. My bone marrow isn't coping so well. I am yet to manage a three week cycle. I've had a dose reduction, I have had a blood transfusion.
I occasionally have those thoughts of wondering if this is all worth it (steroids mess with my head) I feel tired all the time but with the great support I have I am functioning and living.
Crazily, I am still waiting for them to tell me of their mistake! How's that for denial 2 years out?
We have lost too many sisters this year. It is hard.
Be well. A x