Radiation update

That's it Lynx, I really thought I could cope but never the less had to admit last week I wasn't!  My boss told me on the day I advised him that I should get counselling, I said I was OK and if I needed it I would go - well now I need it, not too proud to say I can't do it alone anymore - it is traumatic and I admit it.  I have been using the CD only of a night because I only seem to need it then.  During the day I'm good, sometimes feel a bit off but that is usually on a Friday - end of the week and I'm pretty tired by then - working full time.  

I have a day off from treatment tomorrow as I'm presenting a paper in Melbourne.  Early start though 6.00am flight and not back home until after 9.00pm.  I'll let you know how I go.  I've been thinking of starting Tai Chi again, I used to do it when I had endo and it helped a lot.  Is the yoga helping - I am going to start walking before work again when I have finished treatment, living in the bush I usually walk every morning for half an hour and then at lunch time - now I have treatment before work and sometimes get a lunch walk - I will be pleased to get back to my normal routine.

I am very thankful for someone to talk to who is at the same stage - I was so sick of hearing that I should think positive when I really didn't want to think at all.  Now I am trying to live the moment and not worry about the future - not sure how that will go as I am always planning ahead!  I've had 13 treatments now and hanging out for the 25th as I am not having the booster - part of the trial I am in and I didn't draw the booster - I am glad as I'm not sure I would have been willing to take that extra spurt of radiation.  I have started to colour up and have a small spot of redness under my arm, hopefully it will clear up tomorrow with the break.  I have also felt nauseous like you when I'm overcome with a sudden rush of anxiety in the night, heart thumping and fast shallow breathing, tears rolling down my cheeks and sobbing.  

I had been reading where everyone said you have to accept the diagnosis and I didn't know what they meant, I think I am slowly working out that it is an ability to not want to control the disease, no point in trying to control something that I can't control yet my logical mind tells me there is so much I can control these days, make decisions on treatment and surgery, followup and other changes to my life - what do you think - I am in two minds! 

Well I hope I haven't burdened you with all my worries and thoughts, please tell me if it is too much for you.  As you can see I am a writer and have even written down my thoughts and my progress along with my cancer diagnosis story with mammogram photos etc. yet I can't bring myself to use the journal diary, have you started one?

I am so pleased you are doing OK with your treatment.  Suzf 

Hi Lyn,

I am now on annual leave and have another week of radiotherapy.  I am exhausted by the evening and could very easily go to bed around 3ish in the arvo.  The early morning sleeplessness is the problem.  I'm awake from anywhere from 1.00am onwards and that is where the counselling is helping - I think!  I use the Mindfullness Skills CD and use that to attack my fears but I am still experiencing tearful times in the early morning.  I have had a couple of really nasty nightmares and couldn't get the images out of my head even during the day.  My Clinical Psychologist used a technique called EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing and within 10 minutes I couldn't find the image anymore in my mind's eye.  I have used it myself when I had the last horrible image and it works!  Apparently it is used for Vietnam Vets and works extremely well.  I was so impressed, I really didn't think anything like that would work - apparently it reprocesses the REM memories.  It made a great difference to me I can tell you.  Have a look at these websites if you are interested http://cognitivetherapy.me.uk/emdr.htm  http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/about_therapy/item.php?uniqueid=7035&categoryid=401 

I still am having problems but I have been researching and reading and am really finding some answers in this book: Staring at the Sun: overcoming the dread of death by Irvin D. Yalom.  It seems to be very prevalent with a cancer diagnosis and I am feeling a lot better about my problems, my GP and Psychologist both tell me it is normal when coping with a cancer diagnosis but I need to have some way of understanding my subconscious and ways to counteract so I don't totally loose it if you know what I mean.  I know logically that my diagnosis is pretty good considering all things but I can't stand the 'think positive' advice I am getting all the time - I will have to shout at someone soon the way I am going - do you feel like that Lyn?  

 

Yes, I found work was good most of the time, except when someone commented how good I am looking and 'think positive' and simply not being treated as I normally would be treated.  Cancer has changed people's reactions to me in a fundamental way.  Paradoxically I want people to take care with me but I don't want to be treated as a person at the end of life or stop me from living a fulfilling lifestyle.  I need the illness to be acknowledged but not to be mollycoddled if you know what I mean.  I want to be as independent as possible.

Thinking of you Suzf.

Suz

You have the same issues as me! I am also waking up at night and stressing out about worst poss scenarios. I also saw a psychologist today and reviewed strategies for worry and negative thoughts. I know all about mindfulness and breathing and the mind/body connection - but can I do it right now? Tricky...

I will review those links - thanks a lot for the tips. I agree about the" think positive" thing - I am sure I will hit someone soon. How did cancer ever be cured by thoughts anyway? I know they mean well....but still.

You are nearly finished the radiation and I am glad you are now on leave. You need to rest.

I went back to work for a few days (not really interested) but will see the Dr again tomorrow and ask for a certificate for 6 weeks off - but I will try to work Mondays during this period. I find I recover on the weekend a bit and then go downhill by end of week. Radiation effects appear to be cumulative. Onc agrees. So working Mondays will be the best idea for a while.

I will plan my days - see friends but also plan meditation times and rest times. I am eating more raw food and fresh juice. So here's hoping it will be ok.

It is great to read your story, thanks for sharing, Best Wishes for the next few weeks of recovery, Lyn x

Suz

You have the same issues as me! I am also waking up at night and stressing out about worst poss scenarios. I also saw a psychologist today and reviewed strategies for worry and negative thoughts. I know all about mindfulness and breathing and the mind/body connection - but can I do it right now? Tricky...

I will review those links - thanks a lot for the tips. I agree about the" think positive" thing - I am sure I will hit someone soon. How did cancer ever be cured by thoughts anyway? I know they mean well....but still.

You are nearly finished the radiation and I am glad you are now on leave. You need to rest.

I went back to work for a few days (not really interested) but will see the Dr again tomorrow and ask for a certificate for 6 weeks off - but I will try to work Mondays during this period. I find I recover on the weekend a bit and then go downhill by end of week. Radiation effects appear to be cumulative. Onc agrees. So working Mondays will be the best idea for a while.

I will plan my days - see friends but also plan meditation times and rest times. I am eating more raw food and fresh juice. So here's hoping it will be ok.

It is great to read your story, thanks for sharing, Best Wishes for the next few weeks of recovery, Lyn x

Thank you Lyn, it is so good to hear someone else is experiencing the exact same reactions - are we twins - I am a Gemini!  I am avoiding talking to people who tell me to 'think positive' now 'cause I may have to tell them to keep their advice for themselves.

I have not had any nightmares this week and hope I can deal with them now if I do.  I hate waking up shaking from shock etc. it destroys me for the rest of the night and probably the week if I can't get my mind cleared of the disturbing images.  I see my psychologist next week and I will be glad I can talk to her about the one last week as I haven't been able to tell anyone as it was so disturbing but I was able to control it with the REM technique she taught me.

I have found Sunday is the best day, Friday's the worst, definitely cumulative and I am in two minds about next Friday, my last day of therapy and the worst day for cumulative reactions.  I think you're idea of working on Mondays is a good one.  I will have 2 weeks of leave after I finish therapy to recover so I am hoping that will give me enough time.  I tend to need to rest in the mid afternoon around 3ish and then around 9pm I drop and have to go to bed.  I have been given a small soft pillow from Berlei today by the breast nurse to help support my arm and keep it away from the burnt area on the side of my breast.  I am hoping it will help me to sleep better tonight.

I have been checking out the great number of cancer recipe books and a friend has sent me heaps of print outs etc.  I have always eaten lots of fruit and veg, raw and cooked and am on a very low salt diet as I have Meniere's Disease, never smoked or drink alcohol.  Considering all that I can't find anything I can do better with my diet except I have a liking for ice cream and that is my one sin.  I drink herbal teas and eat organic foods and fruit juice, grow my own veggies, herbs and fruit, and it tastes so good and is therapeutic to water the garden everyday before I go to work.

Every where I turn I keep hearing the c word - must be the c month of course but I am getting to the stage where I feel I can't get away from  the issue and just want to close off completely, perhaps I will immerse myself in my art soon but need some brain space to concentrate on being creative, seems like a good plan for next week maybe.  

Thank you for your support and making me feel like I am not completely alone and odd with my issues, talking to you keeps me sane because I have not heard from anyone else that they have had these issues, although I'm sure they do.  Have a great week and I'll be thinking of you, Suz xxx

 

Had the fortnight from hell and come out the other side after 2 weeks off from radiation treatment due to very bad burns.  Only 1 week of treatment to go now and my life is starting to pick up again.  I have had lots of support from everyone from family and friends to GP and physio and especially and including BCNA.  

It is like going through a dark tunnel with a very small light at the other end that grows with everyday until I come out the other end.  I am beginning to feel I am slowly emerging now and can see some future at last.   

Suz xxx