Radiation update

That's it Lynx, I really thought I could cope but never the less had to admit last week I wasn't!  My boss told me on the day I advised him that I should get counselling, I said I was OK and if I needed it I would go - well now I need it, not too proud to say I can't do it alone anymore - it is traumatic and I admit it.  I have been using the CD only of a night because I only seem to need it then.  During the day I'm good, sometimes feel a bit off but that is usually on a Friday - end of the week and I'm pretty tired by then - working full time.  

I have a day off from treatment tomorrow as I'm presenting a paper in Melbourne.  Early start though 6.00am flight and not back home until after 9.00pm.  I'll let you know how I go.  I've been thinking of starting Tai Chi again, I used to do it when I had endo and it helped a lot.  Is the yoga helping - I am going to start walking before work again when I have finished treatment, living in the bush I usually walk every morning for half an hour and then at lunch time - now I have treatment before work and sometimes get a lunch walk - I will be pleased to get back to my normal routine.

I am very thankful for someone to talk to who is at the same stage - I was so sick of hearing that I should think positive when I really didn't want to think at all.  Now I am trying to live the moment and not worry about the future - not sure how that will go as I am always planning ahead!  I've had 13 treatments now and hanging out for the 25th as I am not having the booster - part of the trial I am in and I didn't draw the booster - I am glad as I'm not sure I would have been willing to take that extra spurt of radiation.  I have started to colour up and have a small spot of redness under my arm, hopefully it will clear up tomorrow with the break.  I have also felt nauseous like you when I'm overcome with a sudden rush of anxiety in the night, heart thumping and fast shallow breathing, tears rolling down my cheeks and sobbing.  

I had been reading where everyone said you have to accept the diagnosis and I didn't know what they meant, I think I am slowly working out that it is an ability to not want to control the disease, no point in trying to control something that I can't control yet my logical mind tells me there is so much I can control these days, make decisions on treatment and surgery, followup and other changes to my life - what do you think - I am in two minds! 

Well I hope I haven't burdened you with all my worries and thoughts, please tell me if it is too much for you.  As you can see I am a writer and have even written down my thoughts and my progress along with my cancer diagnosis story with mammogram photos etc. yet I can't bring myself to use the journal diary, have you started one?

I am so pleased you are doing OK with your treatment.  Suzf