Today is no better
I just cant seem to get out of this depression haze. The tears are flowing and I can not pull myself out of it. My beautiful 4yo daughter has had to entertain herself today.I have so far managed to hide the tears from her.
I feel like this journey is never going to end.
I have always been the stong one in my family. Fixing all of their problems and I am finding that they just arent here enough for me. I spent every weekend after chemo alone. My daughter would go to her dad's. Apart from a few phone calls I will spend days at a time on my own and i know this is no good for me but I dont have the energy to go anywhere and my friends have their families too so I just sit and wait until it is time to go to bed then get up and do it all again. Its like ground hog day to me!
I am 2 weeks past my last chemo and feel no stronger. My hands and feet hurt. Even my finger and toe nails hurt! My body aches.My nose keeps bleeding and I actually feel like I am getting a cold. Which I doubt but feel like crap all the same.
I am sitting here now trying to figure out what to cook my daughter for dinner but I dont have the energy to cook it! All of the food I have prepared and put in the freezer when i felt strong has all gone.
I think it may be time to engage in a councellor. I am pretty sure I can get a mental health care plan. Does anyone have any suggestions as to who I could see. I am in Adelaide (near Marion).
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Thinking of you and I know how you feel. I felt alone a lot of the time. I would keep myself busy with work and my girls. My husband was working away during my first chemo (AC) regime. That was hard. My friends were great at the beginning but have dropped off as time has gone on. I found that my work colleague and others I have met through work have been fantastic. During my dark days last year I had a wonderful volunteer who used to come into my classroom. She was with a church group and she used to clean my house for me ( no charge) once a week. Ahh the generosity of strangers! Work became my saviour - kept me busy and seeing people everyday. I worked 3 days a week during my chemo until the end of the year - T,W and Th. Treatment day was Friday ( 12weeks of Taxol/herceptin). If I didn't have work I would have been a mess!
Hang in there. It doesn't last forever. I also saw a councellor. I had 6 sessions which really helped. Go for it! It does help and we of all people need it. I've tried to find a support group here but without success. They are a good idea as well. Like-minded people.
Take care and blog away anytime. If I can help just message.
Alison xxx(Unfortunately in Perth!)
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Hi there Tanya
I can so relate to where you are at at the moment. All I can say is if the crying, feeling lonely, sad and fatigued last for more than a couple of days, like the girls have said contact Cancer Council on 131120. They do not work on weekends unfortuantley as I know because I tried to call them today. They are open 8am to 6pm Mon - Fri..... but there is also Health Direct 1800022222 OR Life line 131114. Alternatively pick up the phone and call a friend, family member or neighbour, kindy or preschool mum anyone who you feel will be there for you. It is sooo hard for family and friends to try and read us and understand what we need from them and just what we are going through. I am very very sure if you ask for some help or explain how you are feeling to family, friends or neighbours they will be more than happy to help as best as they can. We go through so many emotions on this rolla coaster ride that we are on whether it be fear, anger, sadness, grief, lonliness, feeling smothered by loved ones and so on and so on.
I feel for you right now and you have reached out to us so I ask you to please reach out to your loved ones, neighbours anyone who you feel will be there for you but not just for you but for your precious lil daughter. We are here for you if you need an ear or to vent or anything else you need to get you through.
So many of us pink ladies have been where you are now so we do understand and want to help.
Mich xo
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Thank you ladies.
I had a better day today. Busy one!!! My 4yo daughter did her first graceful girl solo for calesthenics this morning...and boy, was she beautiful. I also tee'd up a play day for Mackenzie this afternoon, so we had a full day.
Still bloody teary though. I am amazed that I am feeling overwhelmed again. Thought that bit would have passed now I have come out the other end of chemo!
I have spoken with my family about my lonliness and to my amazement, all they tend to do is call me. And babysit for me when I need it. Some of my friends are quiet amazed ... and angry! Anyway, its nothing I should be surprised about.
Thank you all for you wonderful support. It really does help
XXXXXX
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Thank you ladies.
I had a better day today. Busy one!!! My 4yo daughter did her first graceful girl solo for calesthenics this morning...and boy, was she beautiful. I also tee'd up a play day for Mackenzie this afternoon, so we had a full day.
Still bloody teary though. I am amazed that I am feeling overwhelmed again. Thought that bit would have passed now I have come out the other end of chemo!
I have spoken with my family about my lonliness and to my amazement, all they tend to do is call me. And babysit for me when I need it. Some of my friends are quiet amazed ... and angry! Anyway, its nothing I should be surprised about.
Thank you all for you wonderful support. It really does help
XXXXXX
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Hi Tania
It sounds like you had a lovely day which is so nice and how cute your 4 yo is doing calesthenics. I bet she was gorgeous. It must have been a nice tired at the end of the day and I bet your daughter had a ball.
Like I mentioned before please don't let the tears go on to long, if you are worried try and make an appointment with your GP or a Councillor through Cancer Council or at least talk to someone from Cancer Council on the phone as even doing that will help, I am sure.
Not sure where you live but I am sure there should be a social worker through your local cancer council/McGrath Foumdation who may be able to help you get some home help/shopping/lawnmowing etc etc etc if you need that. If you explain your situation they should be able to make suggestions or organise it for you. Your breast nurse or chemo nurse should be able to put you in contact with someone who handles this.
Family mmmmmmmmm. I guess at least they are doing a lit bit to help like babysitting and phoning. It is so hard to deal with family without rocking the boat to much. At least if they call you that is a start and if they happen to say is there anything I can do to help you then that will be your queu to say actually yes there is thanks.
I wish you strength to get through this tough and emotional time you are going through. I haven't finished my treatment yet so not even sure how I will react/cope but I know I would need to reach out for help if I was finding it too hard to cope with my emotions on my own. Good luck my pink lady and we are all here for you.
Mich xo
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Just wanted to say hello and let you know that you are not alone in all of this! It is a tough journey, and as a single mum I know how you feel.. it is even tougher! I am 44 years old and have a 13 year old daughter, and this journey can get bloody lonely and down right depressing! I have regular sessions with the Psychologist (cancer is her specialty) at the hospital where I'm getting treatment, and take mild antidepressants and find both incredibly helpful. They seem to stop the tears, boost the energy levels and help me function better. I find it also certainly helps to connect with others who truly know and understand what you are going through.
I noticed that you've joined the Adelaide Breast Cancer Friendship Group. I started this group up as I really felt the need to connect with others in the same boat and it is really wonderful. Groups like this seem to be lacking in Adelaide. We are a friendly, non-judgemental bunch of women from all ages (20's through to 60's) and backgrounds who meet regularly for friendship and support, and we'd love it if you could come along! Bring your daughter too if you like...we'd love to meet her! If you want to cry, you can cry...if you want to laugh, you can do that too!...you will get lots of hugs either way! We will be meeting for our next lunch (or just a coffee or cool drink if you prefer) on Friday 4th of May at 12 noon at the Aroma Cafe at the State Library on North Terrace. The central location means that we have ladies travelling from all over Adelaide to meet in one central spot which is great (I live in Surrey Downs - northern suburbs). I will be wearing a hot pink BCNA baseball cap! It would be lovely to meet another fellow Adelaidian, so I hope you can come along!
I've also found that some times friends and family just dont know what to do for us or how to help. They also dont know how we're feeling unless we tell them. If you're independent like I am, you probably dont often ask for help or let others know how you're feeling enough...I've found I need to help others to help me by letting them know how I feel. It sounds like you've done that which is great, so keep it up!
Anyway, all the best Tania. Please feel free to add me as a contact! Celeste?
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I just wanted to update you on where I am at. Firstly...I am feeling a whole lot better than when I originally posted to this blog. Thank you for all of you support. The rocky road of breast cancer hey!!!!
I am a Practice Manager for a physio company and a new patient came in today. My receptionist was busy so I went out to do payment and make another appt for her and her first words to me were.......so where are you at with your treatment? I looked at her and smiled and said...are you a pink lady survivor...and she was...we spent the next half hour talking about our journeys. Amazing!
Anyway...I just wanted to let you girls know that I am a brand new person today. Happy, positive and full of go get em energy. Thank you
Tania xx
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It takes these little events to put life into some sort of perspective.
Great to hear you are feeling more positive. This BC journey is so unpredicable. Go with the flow is my motto.
Take care and I look forward to hearing how things are going.
Love Alison xxxx
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I am so glad you are feeling better Tania. I used to be practice manager for a sports medicine centre/physio/podiatrist practice in perth before moving to the country. It is a stressful job at times. I am glad you are feeling a bit more on top of it. It is a rolla coaster ride and your emotions will be all over the place. Just as long as you know you aren't alone and that we are here for you when you need us.
Mich xo
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