Guilt
Today was a good day for my energy levels. Last week was extremely dark, and so far this cycle today has been my best day. I went for a walk in the morning and posted some Medicare stuff. Did a little exercise at home. Ate properly. Went for a proper walk with a local friend and did really well for energy.
On that walk, I talked relentlessly about myself. During that talk, I finally verbalised something that has been bothering me a lot lately. I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt. My whole existence is lined with guilt these days. I know it sounds silly, and if it was anyone else I'd tell them so, but I feel guilty because my cancer is a good one. There. I said it. I feel undeserving of all the good things that people are doing and saying. My cancer was stage 2, no spread to lymph nodes, and the only reason I'm going through this chemo, radiation and tamoxifen is because I'm 35.
Many of the people on this site have experienced mastectomies and I had a lumpectomy. Many have had several surgeries. I had 1 and then emergency surgery the next day to relieve a haematoma. Many are on big long chemo. I'm having 4 cycles of TC.
Please don't get me wrong. I do not wish that all of those things were harder. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my diagnosis and treatment, but as my walking friend said tonight - I think I have survivor guilt. She said she understood what I was saying, (she works in education with underpriveleged kids so she's done her fair share of psychology etc.) so I felt a bit relieved to have said it out loud and to the right person. She said she understood that it made no real sense but it was perfectly understandable.
Tomorrow night I am going to the movies through The Warwick Foundation. It is a charity for young people with cancer. I felt unworthy and get anxious and emotional when I think about going. One of my lovely friends is coming with me and if he wasn't, I don't know if I could do it.
Do I need to see a shrink or should I just shut my face and suck it up? Why do I feel so unworthy when I know I've been going through hell with this chemo? Every time I hear or read about someone else's journey that is more difficult than mine, I just feel so terrible and like such a faker. It's very depressing. Am I unhinged?
Does anyone else feel the same way?
Comments
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Hi Joey
Have just read your post with tears streaming down my face...
Yesterday I was having a real " poor me" day. I went online to feel better as I always do.... I too felt dreadful guilt as I read posts about treatment finishing and wished that that was me... I text my friend saying " she's finished her treatment... I want that to be me." I felt very jealous and selfish.
I broke down in a heap last night, crying and telling my 21 year old daughter that I couldn't do it anymore... She held my hand and said "mum, you have to."
More guilt followed... How could I put that on my daughter...
As I went to sleep last night I promised myself today would be a better day... I'm trying hard to be thankful that last Friday was my final cycle of my challenging AC chemo, even if I still have 12 weekly taxols to go. 4/16 down means I'm a quarter of the way through. The quicker I start radiation the quicker life gets back to normal.
Joey we are all walking the same challenging bc journey. Our journeys may take a different path but it is so important that we support each other and talk about our feelings.
Your post has helped me enormously today when I was really struggling to stay positive. Now I know what I feel is normal.
Thanks
Mel xxx0 -
Hi Joey
Have just read your post with tears streaming down my face...
Yesterday I was having a real " poor me" day. I went online to feel better as I always do.... I too felt dreadful guilt as I read posts about treatment finishing and wished that that was me... I text my friend saying " she's finished her treatment... I want that to be me." I felt very jealous and selfish.
I broke down in a heap last night, crying and telling my 21 year old daughter that I couldn't do it anymore... She held my hand and said "mum, you have to."
More guilt followed... How could I put that on my daughter...
As I went to sleep last night I promised myself today would be a better day... I'm trying hard to be thankful that last Friday was my final cycle of my challenging AC chemo, even if I still have 12 weekly taxols to go. 4/16 down means I'm a quarter of the way through. The quicker I start radiation the quicker life gets back to normal.
Joey we are all walking the same challenging bc journey. Our journeys may take a different path but it is so important that we support each other and talk about our feelings.
Your post has helped me enormously today when I was really struggling to stay positive. Now I know what I feel is normal.
Thanks
Mel xxx0 -
Hi Joey
this is my first ever post/response but I just had to write to you. I have been sitting here all morning just crying and feeling exactly like you.. I too have a good cancer. Lumpectomy-clear margins, only 2 lymph nodes removed-all clear/no spread.. Have started tamoxifen and am awaiting my start date for radiation.. I have been blessed that I was able to avoid chemo...
Unfortunately the site of the lump removal developed a nasty infection last week and I'm off work all week getting daily injections and suffering the effects of very strong antibiotic tablets. I feel so guilty for my workmates.. having to carry the load.. I feel so guilty my kids think mum being unwell is the norm... I feel guilty when I read so many ladies stories and they are going thru so much more than I am. I feel shame that all my cancer has been removed, yet I still sit here and cry
Thank you for sharing your feelings because you have helped me get a lot of perspective.. We can only feel how we feel.. Its not right or wrong, it just is... hopefully by verbalising those feelings it helps us feel deal with our emotions a little bit better...
Dont shut up and suck it up... just be yourself and do what you need to do.... Remember your not alone with how you feel.
good luck
Pam
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As women we spend so much of our time putting others first... Yesterday was one of the first times I let myself fall in a heap... I've spent so much time trying to protect and shelter my children, my family and friends that it all came crashing down. I find it hard as a single mum ...I keep lots to myself so last week went to see a counsellor... I thought I'd break down as soon as I got there but found I had nothing to talk about lol.
Be true to yourself... Enjoy the good days and take each challenging day as it comes. Try hard to find something to smile about each day.
Feel free to add me as a contact
Mel
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Hi girls, I was very interested in reading your messages and they brought me back to my inner feelings a couple of years ago.
I was diagnosed in 2010 and my surgeon made two offers. Lumpectomy and some of the glands removed or a full mastectomy and total gland removal. I asked about the odds ... no guarantees with the lump and some gland removal but with the lot going there was only a 3% chance it might return providing it hadn't travelled. I was 62 at the time and told the surgeon "take the lot". It was the right decision for me and my wonderful partner supported my decision.
The prognosis was good, the cancer hadn't travelled and as a result didn't need chemo or radiotherapy. I'm on Arimidex for 5 years .. not really fussed on the side effects but don't like the alternative.
My breast care nurse would invite me to various functions, I'd see advertising pics of ladies wearing hats, turbans and wigs and I felt guilty. I had no outward signs of cancer - effects of chemo etc - and felt guilty ("I can't go, these ladies are sick") and it really chewed me up.
I went through depression (and am still getting counselling though I'm coming through it all now). I went to a BCNA Forum where Lyn Swinburn and Raeleen Boyle were speaking. I was talking to Raeleen about how I was feeling and she was very forthright with me. She told me to go home, stand in front of the mirror and take my shirt off .... I would notice something was missing. I had a scar where my breast had been ..... a sign that I had been "sick", I had breast cancer and even though I did not need radical treatment was on medication.
That was a turn around for me, I went to Community Liaison training in Melbourne and am now involved with media, community awareness, fundraising. I have been asked why I do this, my answer is always "because I can, a lot can't". I am cancer free and relatively healthy. There is always that 3% in the back of my mind, but I don't dwell on it. I have memos on the other side every 6 months and have regular blood tests and scans As I said the medication knocks me around but as long as I know the reasons for the pain I'm fine.
I've been receiving counselling for the guilt-related depression for nearly a year and am seeing the lights at the end of the tunnel (as long as it's not a train coming in my direction I'll be fine LoL )
We have to remember that we don't choose cancer, it choses us and we are all affected in different ways. The fact that you acknowledge your guilt/depression is a step in the right direction and is nothing to be ashamed of. You would be more unhappy if you bottled your feelings inside.
Most importantly, look after yourself and do what is right for you.
Luv .. Shirl
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Hi Shirl
thank you so much, your note just gave me a new wave of perspective.. And what a very clever woman Raeleen is. Such a simple piece of advice but how very true..
Onwards and upwards, with a few side trips on the way but we will all get there in the end..
Luv Pammy
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