A letter to Gus on his 5th birthday
Today you are 5 - yes! You are taller, your legs are longer, your muscles bigger! But no, it doesn't mean you can stay up really late - sorry... My fast and furious fun loving little man - I love you to the moon and back over and over and over. You changed my life - I found those first couple of years really difficult, three young Children was so much work - but oh so worth it. You love Lego and star wars. You want to be a builder and build everything. You give the most amazing butterfly kisses and love to be my "snuggle bunny" and I love it when you say "I love you mummy" in your gravel voice then snuggle in for a cuddle. The are times though that I wonder if your ears work as you do not seem to hear me (!), times when your energy far outstrips mine and boy you could talk under cement!
At 5 though you know too much - you know about the word cancer. Chemo is just something mums do and you wonder each week if I will come home from hospital or stay there. You see, accept and love a mum with only one nipple and a funny looking boob, you don't care about whether I'm bald or sporting a pixie cut - you just want and need me. So mate, I'm doing everything in my power to continue to be here for you. I have a wonderful image I use when I meditate, of the 5 of us all there at your wedding - you are so tall, taller than me, a rose in your buttonhole giving your old, healthy mum a cuddle.
I know you don't understand why I cry sometimes when we cuddle or I read you a story at night - its because I wonder if you will remember me, if I can keep this cancer at bay long enough for you to remember me - the little things, the stories, the cuddles, the bike rides, cakes, days at the beach. I sure bloody hope so - I want to be at that wedding!
So let's spend another year making beautiful memories together my beautiful little boy. (Mummy never stops trying and never stops believing in miracles)
I love you more than you can imagine.
Mummy xxx
Comments
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Hi Amanda
What an inspiring post, even though I'm crying as I type.
For those with young children this journey is much more difficult but I know you are hard at work making happy memories with your family and also working to remain stable in order to do this.
May you have a very, very, very long journey and dance at your son's wedding.
Speak soon and with much love
Joy K
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I feel like I know little Gus after reading your beautiful letter. My daughter turned 26 a few days ago and for the first time ever,she wasn't here to celebrate her birthday with me .She and her fiance are in Hawaii.I feel so lucky that I've lived to see my 2 girls grow up into beautiful,intelligent,independant women. I wish with all my heart that you get to see that too Amanda.Hope you are feeling well and going ok with treatments.
love Tonya xx
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Thank you Amanda,
lovely to read your birthday wishes for your son, Love Kathy.
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Thank you Amanda,
lovely to read your birthday wishes for your son, Love Kathy.
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As I read your letter to Gus, the tears just rolled. How lucky your children are to have such a beautiful mother. Big hugs Debbie xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Oh Amanda, what amazing spirit and strength you have! My youngest who will be 4 in a few months is also named Gus! I was 37 when diagnosed in oct '11, and worry about my 3 beautiful kids dealing with all my worries too! You have inspired me to write to them also. My love and prayers are with you, and I hope you can enjoy Gus's 5th birthday!
Lots of love
Sam xo0 -
Hi Amanda
I know exactly how you feel. My two are almost 3 and 4. Like you, I try to visualise being at their high school graduations, weddings etc and sometimes cry when I'm reading them stories or giving them cuddles. Miracles definitely do happen - let's hope they happen for us.
Amy x
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That is absolute beauty Amanda.... WOW! Crying but so honest and so true and from your heart! Keep Fighting the good fight! Xxx
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well i too am in tears, and i picture you and young gus having cuddles and i can see you smiling at him on his wedding day, your letters are a beautiful keep sake. pack them away and hand them to your children on their 21st birthdays. lots of love Fran.
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Sorry for the tears everyone - I had tears writing it. We had a lovely day. It has been a very long school holiday and I am glad to see the girls back at school today and Gus next week. Thank you for your lovely comments. I do lose it and crack it though - I did tonight - the little guy just wouldn't go to bed and I yelled at him as I was trying to organise the girls with finishing homework and doing teeth and reading etc... Felt awful after... On edge too as I had my 6 weekly scan yesterday and now I have to wait until next Wednesday for the result - never a fun week.
Hi ho though - off we go. Mostly feeling good. Still waiting for the joker to pop his head around the door and tell me this was all a joke!
love to you all,
Amanda xx
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Surely they can Amy - hoping and praying everyday for a miracle for all of us.
Much love,
Amanda xx
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My dearest Amanda, I am so glad to have you as a close friend! You made me cry from the deepest part of my soul!!! You help me to understand that we are ONE and that everything is possible if you act with pure love!!! You know how much I love you and how important you are in my own journey with BC...I looooove the letter, you must keep this letter in a very safe place and I hope I can get that phone call in 20 years from now telling me that you just have read that letter on Gus wedding day. I could be here, in New Zealand or Argentina, so you probably have to make an International phone call ok!!??....I am also glad I will be with you next Wed to get the results!...We (Agustin and I) did meditate for you, for strengh, health and happiness! And you are always, always, always in a very special place inside my heart!
Thanks for sharing with us your beautiful thoughts!!
Leonor
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Hi Amanda
Well, we're not perfect so it's not surprising we crack it every now and then - especially with the added pressure this disease brings. Good luck with your scan results - hoping to read some good news about them next week.
Amy x
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What a beautiful letter to Gus! It brought tears to my eyes! I can picture you at his wedding..smiling, healthy and free! I am hoping and praying that your results are good next week. It's a dreadful wait I know. Please let us know how you get on, take care, Celeste ?
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Hi Amanda,
What a beautiful letter. Those thoughts often go through my head too with three daughters. I have all their weddings on my goal list. I have managed to see four of my goals and now there is a little bit of a stretch before the next one, but I am trying my hardest also. That is all we can do. Just keep on trying and fighting with all that we have.
I hope you are travelling well and all is good for now.
Take care.
Tracey xx
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