Simple checking in

Natjess
Natjess Member Posts: 2 ✭
in Now what? The highs and lows of survivorship
Hi all.  This is my first post here. Diagnosed with DCIS and invasive in early June, had left lumpectomy, re-excision then mastectomy. Now started 20 wks of chemo (8 wks AC then 12 wks Taxol).  It has been a whirlwind and have been trying to stay positive but it is tiring to remain upbeat all the time. I’m having 2nd round of chemo next week and worried that is when I will start to really feel the effects.  

My family have been great, but hit and miss with some friends. Some friends I considered close haven’t really made much of an effort to reach out to see how I’m doing from time to time.  When they needed help whether when they were pregnant, sick or struggling etc I was always there for them with offers of help or just a simple “How are you doing?”  Just a simple checkin from time to time goes a long way to show that someone cares.  It is as if asking how you are once is enough and then that’s it for some people. Then there are are other people who you don’t know very well a constantly asking after you and offering to help out.  That makes a difference.

I guess I am feeling quite sad and also angry that so-called friends have been absent. Or am I being too sensitive? But i think if you truly care for someone you can make time for a simple check-in every now and then. 

Have any of you experienced this with friends not being there when you need them?

Sorry for my long post. I just feel a bit low today.


Comments

  • iserbrown
    iserbrown Member Posts: 5,768 ✭
    edited September 2022
    @Natjess

    Sadly it happens.   The ones you least expect can be the most compassionate.   I lost a friend of 40 years over my diagnosis.   It became obvious she was no longer centre of attention and the contact was lost.   Hence this saying below is so apt!

    Take care and best wishes

    Check out the BCNA website as well as.  Fatigue becomes a factor and how to cope
    https://www.bcna.org.au/health-wellbeing/physical-wellbeing/fatigue/
  • Julez1958
    Julez1958 Member Posts: 1,269 ✭
    Hi @Natjess
    Welcome to the forum , you will find a lot of support and information on here from those who have”  been there” too.
    The emotional /psychological impact of breast cancer can be just as challenging as the physical impact.
    Its normal to cry , feel emotional and sad.
    I found that some friends really stepped up and others disappointed me.I also experienced kindness from unexpected people ( one of the highlights was the lady who brought my fresh linen in my hospital room after my reconstructive surgery who sang to me on my last night because I couldn’t have visitors due to covid).
    Its easy to say now ( 2 years on from my diagnosis) but try to concentrate on the good things and don’t sweat the negatives .
    I actually think some people are so confronted by someone they know having a cancer diagnosis they don’t know how to deal with it and their response is avoidance .
    There are some great resources on this website including podcasts you may find helpful.
    I especially found useful the one by Dr Charlotte Tottman who is as a psychologist specialising in cancer related distress who herself got breast cancer (“What you don’t know until you do”).
    Take care 🌺
  • Cath62
    Cath62 Member Posts: 1,486 ✭
    Hi @Natjess, first of all I hope you are ok. Good surgery is done and while chemo can be challenging I am sure you will get through it. Just follow all the advice your medical team give you. 

    Regarding friends and family  i totally get it. I had a mixed reaction too. Some family didn't even touch base to see how I was. Amazing!

    I think we all have our own values when it comes to what family and friends actually mean. When others don't act in a way we would it seems to come as a surprise and we can get hurt.

    I have found some people are frightened of health issues. Maybe they find it depressing or threatening or just confronting. Some say really bizarre things, maybe they just don't know what to say.

    Some friends and family will be there for you and some will not. My world is smaller after breast cancer and I keep those who are there for me close and let go of those that weren't good for me. 

    I would say to focus on the people who really care and are there for you. They are the ones who matter. Let the others stay where they are in the background. At least you know who you value most in your life and can rely on to support you during your treatment.

    Best wishes to you and hope your treatment is kind to you.
  • arpie
    arpie Member Posts: 8,201 ✭
    Welcome to the blog, @Natjess - so sorry to see you here, but you're in the right place for support from those who've 'been there', so we 'get it'.  Throw any questions at us that you like - there are no silly questions xx

    You'll make new friends on the forum - where abouts do you live - town/city?)  If you pop it into your Profile, we may have members nearby who you could 'hook up with' for a chat & a coffee (now that covid restrictions have eased .... but still safe distancing ...) 

    Sadly, many of us have been disappointed with some friends & family in their lack of support or insensitive comments - as Julie says - some feel so confronted, they don't know what to say, so say nothing - which is even worse.  Even by actions, cooking a meal & dropping it off, they could have 'helped' .... but don't .... it hurts.

    Look after YOU in the mean time, be kind to yourself - it may take a little while to get back to the things you used to love doing ..... but try & get back to them, as they will keep you busy & take your mind away to 'better areas'.  This disease mucks with your brain even more than your body, I reckon xx. Ring the Helpline here for a chat, if you find yourself getting really sad ....  1800 500 258

    Check out this post with lots of info on other areas of the forum that you may like to explore - funny bits, gardens, art & craft & more ..... There is also a link to some 'tick boxes' that you can print off (down the bottom) for helping with your ongoing team appointments ..... 
    https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/23477/a-big-welcome-to-all-our-new-members#latest

    Take care xx. All the best for your chemo next week - if you are still feeling OK 'now' .... hopefully you'll be one of the ones that doesn't have the worse side effects!! xx

  • Afraser
    Afraser Member Posts: 4,452 ✭
    Dear @Natjess

    I didn’t experience this myself but it’s not uncommon apparently, for some of the reasons outlined by others. Cancer is frightening and some people will find it sufficiently confronting to keep a distance. They don’t mean to be cruel, will probably argue that you don’t need to
    be bothered right now, but the need to accommodate someone else’s discomfort, when we are the one facing illness and uncomfortable treatment, is often part of the process. Appreciate those who are in touch all the more! Your treatment may also keep you out of your normal routine (work, activity, social occasions) which limits interaction too. So do what you can to keep in your normal loops, it helps keep some sense of normality. Best wishes for your treatment. 

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