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A letter to my 7 year old Daughter on her birthday

MandaMoo
MandaMoo Member Posts: 500
edited September 2016 in Metastatic breast cancer

Dearest Alex

"7 years ago today..." - a family joke yes, as every year on your birthdays, I put all three of you through the history of your birth throughout the day - just so you understand how magical it is - how wonderful to welcome someone new into a family. But...

...7 years ago today, I wondered with some anxiety how I could love another child as much as my firstborn - was there enough to go around?  Well, from the quiet inklings of your coming to the powerful surge of your rapid birth you have stopped us in our tracks from the moment you took your first tentative breath. I was struck by the differences to your sister, immediately in love with your gentleness and serenity  how could I have ever wondered if I would love you?

7 years on and you are still a gentle soul - you love your dolls, stuffed toys and time alone.  You are a generous friend and sister but for all of this calmness you have a very mischievious nature often fooling those who may not know you so well.  

This year has been so hard for you.  You were the first to ask the question when we told you the Doctors thought something was wrong with Mummy - "are you going to die?", the next day you asked "Do you have cancer?" .  You didn't want to visit me in hospital or touch me, the drains made you feel sick and made you cry.  You were ok with my baldness - even assiting to shave my head.  You love to have a bath with me on a Sunday - you stare where my breast used to be and often ask very involved questions about life, death, heaven.  You don't quite believe in it you say. You wonder if you will get cancer too. You have never been one to fear being away from me but now going to school causes belly aches and headaches, your teacher describes you as "fragile". I walk you to the classroom again now and you often have to be torn from me.  

I'm so sorry that what is happening to me has impacted your life in a way I never wished.  My vow to you is to live as an example - to enjoy life fully, to not let cancer to become "our story", to show you that you can live life with hope and joy.  I aim to continue to embarrass you with my dancing and singing in the aisles at the supermarket, my bopping with the radio full blast at the lights, to make your birthday cake for every birthday I am here for.  I'll tuck you in at night and hear your reading, I'll help you with your violin even when your perfectionist streak results in a screaming tanti - I'll revel in your wonder at the beautiful things in life.

Together we will learn that stillness is wonderful, that we are perfect and beautiful just the way we are and together, just maybe, we'll see that living fully with love - miracles happen all the time.

Love you Poppet - forever and beyond.

Mummy xxx

 

 

P.s. - Yes, I am taking a break but felt compelled to record a letter to Alex here today.  So often we talk about how this disease affects us physically but it happens to the family - not just the person and our children are very affected - all in their individual ways.  I'm enjoying my "break" and thankyou all as always for your support and care.  I'm brewing an idea for a photography project for next year - if you are interested in following how it develops let me know.

Much love and light to you all. xx 

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Comments

  • olga m
    olga m Member Posts: 23
    edited March 2015
    OMG I cannot stop crying. This is a beautiful letter and I often wonder how I can put in words what is happening to us which my 8 year old would understand. Your kids are very lucky to have a beautiful and brave mother. Keep fighting. Lots of love and hugs Olga

    PS I would love to follow your project Amanda
  • olga m
    olga m Member Posts: 23
    edited March 2015
    OMG I cannot stop crying. This is a beautiful letter and I often wonder how I can put in words what is happening to us which my 8 year old would understand. Your kids are very lucky to have a beautiful and brave mother. Keep fighting. Lots of love and hugs Olga

    PS I would love to follow your project Amanda
  • TonyaM
    TonyaM Member Posts: 2,833
    edited March 2015

    I loved your letter to Alex on her birthday.Her sweet nature reminds me of my second daughter Amy.I am forever grateful that my 2 girls were teenagers when I first got cancer.Like you,I tried to stay brave and set an example and they seemed to cope well.You are doing an amazing job as a mother and you are such fun,dancing in the supermarket isles.I think the birthday letters are a lovely idea and I wish I had done that when my kids were growing up.I wrote them each a letter on their 21st birthday and put it in a photo album with a photo for every year of their life up to 21.

    Amanda I would love to follow your photography project next year.My husband has just bought me a Cannon SLR camera for xmas and I am yearning to get back to my creative side.Look forward to your new year blog.

                             love Tonya xx

  • TonyaM
    TonyaM Member Posts: 2,833
    edited March 2015

    I loved your letter to Alex on her birthday.Her sweet nature reminds me of my second daughter Amy.I am forever grateful that my 2 girls were teenagers when I first got cancer.Like you,I tried to stay brave and set an example and they seemed to cope well.You are doing an amazing job as a mother and you are such fun,dancing in the supermarket isles.I think the birthday letters are a lovely idea and I wish I had done that when my kids were growing up.I wrote them each a letter on their 21st birthday and put it in a photo album with a photo for every year of their life up to 21.

    Amanda I would love to follow your photography project next year.My husband has just bought me a Cannon SLR camera for xmas and I am yearning to get back to my creative side.Look forward to your new year blog.

                             love Tonya xx

  • Annie Gayed
    Annie Gayed Member Posts: 204
    edited March 2015

    A beautiful letter -- thanks for sharing Manda.

     

  • Leonie Moore
    Leonie Moore Member Posts: 1,470
    edited March 2015

    Hi Amanda, You beatuiful soul.  Please include me in your photography project journey. XLeonie

  • pennyb
    pennyb Member Posts: 176
    edited March 2015
    That was so so touching! Thank you so much for sharing that with us.
    I too am trying to stay brave for my children, and they are 20 and 18. I can't imagine how hard it is for your little ones.
    Would love to follow your project.
    Amazing letter, thank you again
    Much love
    Penny xx
  • Al
    Al Member Posts: 325
    edited March 2015

    Wow this was so beautiful! Brought a tear to my eye, too! I too have 2 gorgeous daughters - a little older than yours but I still worry about them everyday as they embark on their own journeys. My 15 year olds reaction to my news was "That means I'm going to get it". Had me in tears! How do you protect/nurture them? We can only do our best.

    I would love to follow your photography. This is something I would love to pursue in the future. As Tonya said - get back to my creative side. BC brings this out in us.

    Take care. You are such an inspiration! A wonderfully brave, gentle soul.

    And again thanks for sharing such a beautiful and personal letter.

    Have a wonderful Xmas and New year!

    Love Alison xxx

  • MandaMoo
    MandaMoo Member Posts: 500
    edited March 2015

    Thankyou everyone for your kind comments.  Alex has had quite a celebration over the past two days (and last weekend! - ah the festival of the birthday!).

    I have a page on Facebook for my photography work - my project will evolve here at this stage.  I have a lot of ideas running through my head.  I have actually felt like working on my images and my camera is back at home in my hands and on my desk rather than hidden in it's bag in the cupboard for the first time really since my diagnosis.  If you are a facebook user - feel free to "like" my page - it may stay a little dormant for the next little while as the ideas take shape (and the business of the season takes over :-))

    Here is the link:

    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Red-Box-Photography/117600824921104

    Lot lof love and light to you all.

    Amanda xx

  • Celbird
    Celbird Member Posts: 680
    edited March 2015

    What a beautiful letter to Alex! It brought a tear to my eye. Would love to follow your photography work on FB Amanda, so have liked your page. Enjoy your break and let those artistic and creative juices flow! :-) Take care, Celeste x

  • Celbird
    Celbird Member Posts: 680
    edited March 2015

    What a beautiful letter to Alex! It brought a tear to my eye. Would love to follow your photography work on FB Amanda, so have liked your page. Enjoy your break and let those artistic and creative juices flow! :-) Take care, Celeste x

  • Amy
    Amy Member Posts: 233
    edited March 2015

    Hi Amanda

    This made me cry!  You have a lovely way with words.  My children are 4 and 2 and I try to explain to them about my 'illness' but it's hard.  I hope that I am a good example to them - staying positive and living with the big C rather than letting it take over my life.  I will definitely follow your photographic journey.

    Enjoy the merry season with your loved ones.

    Amy x

  • Amy
    Amy Member Posts: 233
    edited March 2015

    Hi Amanda

    This made me cry!  You have a lovely way with words.  My children are 4 and 2 and I try to explain to them about my 'illness' but it's hard.  I hope that I am a good example to them - staying positive and living with the big C rather than letting it take over my life.  I will definitely follow your photographic journey.

    Enjoy the merry season with your loved ones.

    Amy x

  • Amy
    Amy Member Posts: 233
    edited March 2015

    Hi Amanda

    This made me cry!  You have a lovely way with words.  My children are 4 and 2 and I try to explain to them about my 'illness' but it's hard.  I hope that I am a good example to them - staying positive and living with the big C rather than letting it take over my life.  I will definitely follow your photographic journey.

    Enjoy the merry season with your loved ones.

    Amy x

  • Christine Denniss
    Christine Denniss Member Posts: 216
    edited March 2015

    Thank you Thank you thank you for letting us all read your letter to Alex. You are a strong strong person, even though you dont think so at times. I just used up half a box of tissues reading it. Bugger! BIG HUGS to you.

    Love Chrissy D :) xoxo