I feel like Im in a catch 22 situation...
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Hi,
This is my second post and a long time in between. It has been 2 years since my treatment ended. I was fortunate with my diagnosis becasue it was caught early and only caught becasue I was due for my mammogram. I dread to think what could have happened if I wasnt due for one as mine was an aggressive cancer. I had a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. I then went through the process of induced menopause then a full hysterectomy and now I contunue with the drugs (Anastrazole). Whilst my treatment ended in 2017 the side affects post treatment are awful. Ive have also gained weight and that in itself is hard to deal with because it presents new issues such as body image. Its really hard to explain just what your are feeling emotionally, mentally and physically and howmuch pain you are actually in. Everyone can see your physical struggle, sometimes the emotional but they cannot see your mental struggles. My relationship has ended and one of the issues was I wasnt showing enough affection and intamacy ended. I dont know about anyone else but going through the treatment, induced menopause, a full hysterectomy, and drugs alone, my whole self feels as though its just been smashed in every way. I know we need to find the 'new normal' but thats alot easier said than done. I have been trying to find some really useful informatin to provide to my ex just so she can read for herself that I am not making this up and that what I am feeling is real and its an everyday battle. Here I am just over 2 years post treatment and I have nerve issues, joint pain, no libido and in terms of affection with my partner i feel as though its just not there. Im not blaming it all on the treatment but this is one aspect that is not easily explained unless you are feeling it yourself. Is it normal to feel nothing? The few times I have felt that closeness and want for intamacy its gone in a split second???
I have been to counselling, Ive done meditation, im trying different drugs and supplements and I am just finding my way. I never would expect my ex to understand or expect them to stay when I know myself these changes would be hard to deal with. The relationship with your partner is very different to that of your friends and family becasue its more personal in intimate. When you dont feel a certain way it does affect the relationship.
I fee like i am in a catch 22 situation becasue I need to take care of myself first but it is hard for others around you to understand this journey. Even I question whether or not it will get better or if this is the new me and I am already in my new normal. I dont want to sit and wait and I do push myself but its a daily struggle. I know I am not alone in this. It would be really comforting to hear similar stories because we all have them so I am immersing myself back into this arena.
De
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I can certainly relate to what you are saying. I constantly rail against how this has affected me with constant joint pain, no libido, memory problems and so tired all of the time
People don't really understand nor could they unless they're in it. Funnily enough, I find myself often remembering who I was at 18 or 20 and feeling closer to that young woman - she seemed to have her head screwed on.1 -
I can relate to the relationship problems for sure. I have a partner who is so supportive and understanding and I feel like I am just ruining it with my emotional outbursts. I worry that he will only put up with it for so long. It's really hard.
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Thank you ladies. Its hard for both parties but whats even harder is trying to explain the lack of feelings and emotions. It feels like a train wreck and I do know my partner tried to understand but its alot to take on for them as well. I didn't have the best memory pre treatment and now well this is another add on to my list. It is frustrating to say the least. Ive been told that I am not present or that I am heartless which is hurtful but I do know these things are said as part of an emotional reaction, frustration, anger and so on. Its not like I intentionally set out to be like this but it has affected me and others and it really is about trying to cope with what you have and not letting it or any comments get to you. I understand myself better than anyone and I am about self preservation and all I can do is keep trying in the hope that things will get better, symptoms may or may not ease but I am doing what I can to manage it. Of course its not going to be in everyones best interest but I need to be ok.
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I think everyone reacts to a cancer diagnosis in the way they need to in order to cope. Your body and your mind have experienced trauma and then there is the ongoing side effects from chemo and any medication you are taking. You are doing the best you can so try not to be too hard on yourself. I'm not a psychologist in any way but if there is a chance for you and your ex to patch things up then maybe going to counselling together would help you both understand how the other is feeling.
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Dear @deanneze
You mentioned you have seen a counsellor - did that provide any tools or strategies to assist you? For some people, the treatment is the hardest part, not so much the diagnosis. After the initial diagnosis shock, most of us see treatment at first as a necessary hurdle to getting rid of cancer. With a view to being ‘back to normal’. As none of us can excise the period of diagnosis and treatment from our consciousness, ‘normal’ is automatically dated. If treatment brings unexpected and very unwelcome side effects, you are in the invidious position of unable to go back and not keen about where you have landed! Many have found a good counsellor (particularly one who can see past cancer) to be very helpful. You do need to take care of yourself first as everything else worth having (including relationships) starts from knowing and liking yourself. It’s so hard, on top of everything else you have gone through, it but life after cancer can be good and can be worthwhile. Best wishes.0 -
Hi @deanneze,
I feel for you lovely.
One of the things that we really don't expect is the aftermath. We (well, I did anyway) go into it thinking "I've just got to make it through this treatment then I'll be able to get back to normal. Hmmmm...not quite.
The libido, or lack thereof, sex and general intimacy issues are not spoken about.
As far as the medico's go that's way down on the list when it comes to treating cancer. You pretty much have to sort that out yourself.
Any information available is as good as the pages of cosmo on how to spice up your love life. Phooey. Totally usueless. There is a good article on the LTAV discussion about sex after cancer that may be helpful.
That dull, numb and somewhat removed feeling is unexpected to say the least and depressing as heck. Even if you do get a simmer of an urge to doonah dance it' hardly worth the effort because not much works like it used to.
It's a bloody great shock to your system being slam dunked ungraceflully into menopause and that's apart from the baggage of a cancer diagnosis that goes into the mix to mess with your head.
I am on a similar timeline with my active treatment ending in mid 2017. I opted out of any other body parts being removed and have been on (and sometimes off...naughty) Tamoxifen 2.5yrs..
We all go in search of the holy grail looking for some sort of pill, supplement, magic lube etc to help. Over the last couple of years I think I have tried just about everything possilbe. Hundreds of dollars worth of supplements, accupuncture, pills, lotions and potions etc etc etc.
Anyhoo, that being said amongst the mountain of things that don't appear to do anything but give you expensive pee, I've found a few things that seem to work for me.
.Based on incredibly scientific evidence such as I feel better when I take them and worse when I don't LOL
The swisse Memory and focus suplements, plus added Berocca started to clear the fog and did actually improve my short term memory wihtin a couple of weeks.
Joint pain. The only thing I've found, apart from codeine (which appears to be harder than crack to get these days) is the Blackmores joint formula advanced. Expensive unless it's on sale though. It won't get rid of it but does give it a good knock.
The libido and sex is a harder one and probably deserves a seperate post in the private group. I will say my brain was the one being a lot of the problem. I have been able to make improvements, it's not what it was but definitely improved.
I found taking more notice of the small moments of good than looking at the big picture made a huge difference. Those little moment start to add up the more you seek them out.
All the best sweet. xoxoxoxoxo
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Hi @deanneze
There's a lot that you are dealing with at present.
Sad to read your relationship has ended. As you reflect on where you have been and where you are at the moment the most important is you!
Strategies for coping and improving are valuable tools. Concentrate on you so as you gain that inner strength you can assess if that relationship is worth rekindling or you are ready for dating.
Perhaps consider joining the private group
http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/group/9-lost-libido-ladies
Take care and best wishes2 -
I didn't have the abrupt menopause you have had since treatment but I certainly know that for around 2 years of natural menopause I just didn't feel like myself.
I am now too on anastrozole and my reduced libido hasn't got better on it that's for sure. What I do find is if I have a go...interest does come. I just don't have the drive that occurs with natural cycles.
My weight gain impacted on several things. It impacted on my body image. It impacted on my sleep and it contributed to my memory.....well not the weight but my diet did. I recently have tried Michael Moseleys Fast800 and the Mediterranean style of eating and reduction of carbohydrates has switched my brain back on, stopped my joints hurting (only needing occasional panadol now). I know I sound like an ad...but I strongly advise reading the book and if you are keen they have an additional recipe book and an online program. I believe there is a free audible book you can get to have an idea if it's for you. The Facebook site has a lot of info too and some free recipes.
2017 isn't that long ago for such a lot of change. It will improve but it does take time. I'm 4 years since 1st surgery and only now do I feel a little like the old me.
I did find this about sexuality after breast cancer which might be useful to you.
https://www.cancernetwork.com/breast-cancer/management-breast-cancer-therapyrelated-sexual-dysfunction
Take care. Post often. We get it. X3
