Stable - schmable...
Hi pink ladies,
Clinic today - basically the disease is stable - schmable. I'm pretty down about it. I have had all of my hopes pinned on remission. It is unlikely that this will happen. So I have to get my head in the space that stable is a good result. The CT cannot tell what is active and what is scar tissue but basically since I started my weekly treatment 19 weeks ago, the lung mets have barely changed and none of them are gone - yes they are small but they are very numerous and even the tiny ones are still there. The axilla node is 50% reduced in size and the skin met is about 50% smaller too. I still wonder if the lung "things" are actually mets - especially as they do not seem to be reducing but am not willing to have the invasive surgery to biopsy them. We just have to assume that they are as the skin met was positive. So I keep going on the treatment as so far nothing is growing and that is a good thing.
I've decided that I need to take a break from the cancer world a little - disengage from it as much as I can despite having advanced cancer and weekly treatment. I need to get on with life. I don't want to talk about cancer anymore, I don't want to read about cancer anymore (hell I don't even want to have it anymore - can anyone arrange that?).
I am getting back into exercise - yoga, pilates and bike riding; back into my photography; very into xmas and new year and life with my beautiful little family while I feel extremely well. Who knows - miracles happen - so one might just happen to me - but it is not worth sitting around waiting - I just have get on with living.
Love and light to all of you. You are angels.
Amanda xx
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Hi Amanda
Stable is good! And if you are feeling Ok even better. I think you are right - you just have to get on with living. That's what I have been doing the last few weeks and I feel much better for it. I still check the BCNA network (obviously) but I haven't googled or looked at anything else cancer related for such a long time - and I feel much better mentally for it.
Have a wonderful Christmas with your beautiful family and know that we are all thinking of you.
Amy x
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You are one brave lady! Your blog brought a tear to my eye. At least it is stable. What a great idea to just forget about the big C for a while and get into what really matters. Thinking of you often and yes it does get us down but you have the right attitude. This will undoubtedly stand you in good stead. I too have stopped googling cancer related material and have just accepted that what is is. My journey is very different to yours and has only just begun and I can only imagine what you are going through. Stay strong. You are such an inspiration to us all.
Have a wonderful Christmas with you wonderful family and enjoy some quality days over the break - you deserve it!
Take care and all the very best for the new year!
Love Alison xx
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Firstly, can I say stable is actually good!...It's definately no worse which has to be a good thing, right? I can understand your disappointment though...It would've been a bonus to have the lung mets reduced, if not gone! What about the axilla node being 50% reduced in size and the skin met being about 50% smaller? That's great news Amanda! In time I bet those pesky lung mets will reduce too...they are just being a little stubborn at the moment.... Never say never! Never give up hope whatever you do!
I understand you wanting to take a break from the cancer world. I no longer google or seek out any cancer-related material...I just dont want to know about it anymore. I have gone into my 'bubble' world and just come on this site for support and advice when I need it...that is enough for me at the moment. Perhaps I am putting my head in the sand, but I dont care cos I feel better for it. I have decided that there are times to truly FIGHT, and times to have a break from the FIGHTING...it is exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally and in my opinion its ok to retreat and get on with life!
I hope you do find time to pop into this site and touch base...you have been and continue to be an inspiration to me Amanda. Big hugs and love, Celeste xx
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Hi lovely Amanda, You are such a "smart" lady. I too have "pulled back" a bit from being the cancer patient. I can't leave this site but I am not "taking on" any "new clients". I only seek out my "old" friends through "My home". I suppose it is the normal progression. Early next month is the 1st annniversary of my second diagnosis and after that date I want to "get on with it " a bit more. Sure there are hourly reminders but slowly and surely I am "leaving" bc behind - even if it is in my head. For my marriage sake - I know this sounds strange - I need to be "bc free" as my husband has not handled a second diagnosis very well. He really needs to seek some help but of course is very subborn. It is always very positive to have "things" to look forward to. I am so glad that you are going back to your favourite things. Lets all live in the NOW and enjoy each minute as it happens. Many blessings to you until we are in contact again. Enjoy your "freedom". XLeonie
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Hi lovely Amanda, You are such a "smart" lady. I too have "pulled back" a bit from being the cancer patient. I can't leave this site but I am not "taking on" any "new clients". I only seek out my "old" friends through "My home". I suppose it is the normal progression. Early next month is the 1st annniversary of my second diagnosis and after that date I want to "get on with it " a bit more. Sure there are hourly reminders but slowly and surely I am "leaving" bc behind - even if it is in my head. For my marriage sake - I know this sounds strange - I need to be "bc free" as my husband has not handled a second diagnosis very well. He really needs to seek some help but of course is very subborn. It is always very positive to have "things" to look forward to. I am so glad that you are going back to your favourite things. Lets all live in the NOW and enjoy each minute as it happens. Many blessings to you until we are in contact again. Enjoy your "freedom". XLeonie
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Hi Amanda, Thanks for the update as I often wonder how things are going with you. I have to agree that stable is a good thing. It's great that you are doing the things you love. I have recently gone back to the gym & I know that makes me feel good. Yes nothing like planning for Christmas & I hope it's a special one for you. Take care my friend.
Loretta xxx
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Hi Amanda, Thanks for the update as I often wonder how things are going with you. I have to agree that stable is a good thing. It's great that you are doing the things you love. I have recently gone back to the gym & I know that makes me feel good. Yes nothing like planning for Christmas & I hope it's a special one for you. Take care my friend.
Loretta xxx
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Hi Amanda
Sorry to hear that you are down. Maybe a break from all thing C will help, don't stay away too long though, I like to read your posts + on HER2 also. Keep up that Aussie fighting spirit!
Take care
Dawn
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Thanks everyone for your kind words and wishes. Stable is good - I know that - as Tonya often says - it is often funny what becomes good in Cancerland. I have pulled my camera out again this weekend for my daughter's birthday party and had a bit of fun doing that. For a few days this week I even almost forgot that I apparently have cancer.
I won't forget my friends here and will still visit here but for now I need a bit of a break from it all. I would hate to be on my deathbed wishing I had spent less time worrying about dying and more time living so I am just going to get on with living.
I see taking this next step in my stride an important part of my healing. I still believe in my capacity to overcome this disease - how that happens or to what degree I do not know but I must continue to hope that I can live a healthy, full and hopefully longer life. I am driven to live fully by the desire to see my children grow until adulthood. I don't choose to accept the statistics - I choose to tread my own path, to defy the odds, to live a life engaged, a life full. I don't know what is ahead. I may very well die a premature death from this disease - if that is to happen - I want no regrets.
Much love and light to the wonderful women here supporting and sharing.
Amanda xx
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Oh Leonie - I so understand your "headspace"! I too keep want to keep in touch with my contacts from here. I have to leave cancer behind a little too for my family's sake. Fortunately my husband has sought "help" and regularly sees a counsellor which I know he finds immensely helpful.
Much love to you.
A x
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Wow - the gym! Good on you! I hope you have a wonderful Xmas too.
A x
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Hi Celeste - you know I feel such a synergy with you and I will keep in touch - I don't think I have had a head in the sand moment yet so maybe now is the time.
The reductions of course are good but all along the concern has been my lungs so for them to be the stubborn ones is a bummer but I just have this instinctual feeling that they are not active so that is good. Apparently when one area responds and not another it is called a mixed response - not common but possible but hey - I'm the queen of the statistical anomaly :-).
A lovely analogy I recently learned on the Gawler program was to think of the approach to healing as a Martial Arts approach rather than Rambo - i.e. rather than fighting with all guns blazing, the aim is to strategically outwit the opponent with your moves - I kind of like that - takes all of the energy out of the fight and into a different space all together.
So - I am never saying never to anything - such a major healing process takes time. I am one committed lady and will continue to be in everything that I do.
Stay in touch ;-)
A x
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Hi Amanda,
I know exactly what you are talking about when you wnt to get away from Cancerland. Many times since my diagnosis I have stepped back to take a mental break from it all. It does become overwhelming and sometimes people think that is all you can talk about. They seem to forget that you are a person NOT a disease. My theory at the moment is that I am not important enough for the world to stop. Bills still have to be paid, groceries bought, kids going to school. We do know how to talk about other stuff, in fact that is what we would all prefer to talk about I'm sure.
Enjoy your cancer break and I look forward to hearing from down the track. Best wishes to you.
Take care.
Tracey xx
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Hi Amanda,
I know exactly what you are talking about when you wnt to get away from Cancerland. Many times since my diagnosis I have stepped back to take a mental break from it all. It does become overwhelming and sometimes people think that is all you can talk about. They seem to forget that you are a person NOT a disease. My theory at the moment is that I am not important enough for the world to stop. Bills still have to be paid, groceries bought, kids going to school. We do know how to talk about other stuff, in fact that is what we would all prefer to talk about I'm sure.
Enjoy your cancer break and I look forward to hearing from down the track. Best wishes to you.
Take care.
Tracey xx
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Yes I like the Martial Arts vs Rambo approach!...very true and a good way of looking at things!
The lung mets are indeed an absolute bummer...a pain in the arse to be frank! So you're having a mixed response then? What does that mean for your treatment if anything?
The Gawler program sounds fantastic. I wish I could come with you! Sadly my only option is to go on a retreat as I'm in SA. I've heard they are brilliant though. I've been chatting to a lady on here who had lung mets and went on the Gawler 10 day retreat. As a result of the retreat she changed her diet completely (strictly organic/vegan) and lifestyle/headspace (less stress/meditation/visualisation etc etc) and is taking certain supplements. Her lung mets have now gone completely and her bone mest are regressing! It's wonderful to hear success stories like that!
Yes, stick your head in the sand for a while Amanda...it's very therapeutic, I can vouch for that! :-)
I will certainly keep in touch!
Take care my friend,
Celeste xxx
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