Back off please

cranky_granny

How do I tell a someone to ease up on the questions, especially when I don't even have the answers myself
Its a close friend so I don't want to hurt her.  but it feels like  a million and one questions every day.
I know this is never going to go away but I would like a day where can at least put it in the background.

kmakm

"I love you dearly and I truly appreciate your interest, but right now I really don't want to talk about it. I hope you don't mind."

or

"Do you mind if we don't talk about it anymore? I just want to focus on other things for a bit."

It's very challenging isn't it? I hope you can get your friend to back off. K xox

cranky_granny

thanks @kmakm. 
I'm usually a very easy going person.  I've just managed to say goodnight to her and got a very big suspicion my troubles are a distraction for her at the moment as she has a lot of not nice stuff happening at the moment.  But I just don't know how long I can keep saying I Don't Know. and my head hurts when I get off the line to her. 
I'm a bit of a crab and hide in the sand, mostly do what I have to and cross each bridge as I come to it.

kmakm

That sounds like a solid observation. I often like to keep in mind that mostly what people say is a reflection of them, not of anyone or anything else, no matter the topic. That's not to be mean or anything. It's just the reality of spending all our time in our own heads!

Nonetheless it's tough, especially in your position. If ever you could play the cancer card, now would be a good time.

You could always meet her opening question with cheery "No! Not going to talk about cancer today" and instantly hit her with a series of questions about her troubles. Generally speaking we all like to talk about ourselves! K xox

Zoffiel

It's fair to say 'I don't want to talk about it today, if I find out anything new, you'll be the first to know.' 
Good on you for engaging with her for this long. I don't have the patience which is why a few super needy people got the flick when I felt that every conversation was an exhausting pity fest. It's really hard when you know they are having a tough time, but the old saying 'misery loves company' springs to mind--some folk just love to roll in misfortune like dogs like to roll in dead rabbits. Not helpful when you just want to get away from the smell for a while. Mxx

cranky_granny

@kmakm thanks i like that one. Especially lets not. This is still all new to me. Maybe i should write down all her questions and ask them for myself. Seeing the radiation oncologist today at 10. I will know the procedure then.
The one question I really hate is how are you? Then followed by how are you really????

iserbrown

You need a gatekeeper to keep these well meaning friends at bay!  At present you need space and distraction not the constant reminder!
This was the best piece of advice we received from the Counsellor that we were assigned on the day of diagnosis (we being hubby and me).  
Just let her know today is not the day for discussion as my head needs space and distraction. When I have my appointments and an understanding of it all I will let you know but for now let's just let it be!
Agree with others, get her talking about herself or if you don't want that then tell her you're going for a soak in the bath or something that she thinks is for you only!

This is about you and best wishes for your treatment plan

Take care

Mira

What would you like to do with her @cranky_granny?  I truly believe we teach people how to treat us by the way we interact with them.  Can you be honest and say you don't feel up to talking about it today, and then maybe plan something you could both do together that would benefit both of you?   You say that she is using you as a distraction from her problems?  If that's the case, why not suggest both of you taking some time off from your problems and going to the movies/shops/dinner …. just taking some time out to get away from it all and enjoy being friends.

Personally, when I want someone to back off I'll resort to giving them "the look" and holding up my fingers in the sign of a cross and saying "back off" (a quiet growl if I know them well).  Direct communication works for me

cranky_granny

All great advice thank you all 
we are having time together on 1st of November so heres hoping we can have that discussion, rather do it face to face. 

I’ll keep checking in on this post for the words I’ll need
all my adult life I’ve  been the sounding board for Other peoples troubles 
even through all of the last 5 difficult years. Maybe because my anxieties weren’t in the open. I don’t  want a pity fest i need the practical Support 

Patti J

@cranky_granny. Then there are those who don't ask questions but assume that they know what you are going through. Or, tell you what is going to happen next for you. Or, make it about them.

Afraser

Or you could try the alternative strategy. Bombard her with information. Go on and on and on. Only for use if desperate but it just might work! 

cranky_granny

@iserbrown I have my gatekeeper.  Talking to my eldest daughter about my situation and she was ready to jump right in there and have a talk, I've actually had to slow her down till after I see friend next weekend. I wont have all my answers then  but her problems might have seen the light.

primek

I think saying "I'll  let you know once I know more, meanwhile I need distraction and would like to talk about anything else but this subject. Thanks for understanding. "