Friends

Mic80

Evening lovelies, 
I have been having a hard time lately with being empathetic with my friends and family over, what seems to me, such trivial problems. I understand everything is relative to whats going on in everyone’s world but I feel that this is causing a rift in between mine and my family and friends relationships and I’m feeling a little lost and frustrated... am I being completely selfish or is what I  feeling at least a little bit normal!? In addition to this I  constantly checking in and asking about their lives and i get the full run down but when it comes to me I feel I can’t really tell them what’s going on as they just don’t understand x

AllyJay

I can totally relate to this. I remember being in the middle of AC chemo, where I had spent nine days in hospital with side effects, (febrile neutropenia and more). A cousin's daughter had posted a photo of one of her acrylic nails having been broken, along with the comment of "devestated!!!". Then, after completing six months of chemo and a bilateral mastectomy which earned a stay in ICU for eleven days followed by a further two weeks on the surgical ward (long story), I had a family member going on about having OMG....a cold sore. Well f**k me dead....what a tragedy..... It sure is hard feeling empathy with trivial complaints such as this, but the fact is that for many healthy individuals, these First World problems are real...real, I say!!! Of course if I mentioned my problems, the shutters would come down and a change of subject would soon happen. With some, I found I could just put it in my "Don't Give a Toss" basket, and keep my cool, with others, I'm afraid I simply left them in my rear view mirror.

arpie

I agree with you as well - SInce our diagnosis, surgery & treatments - Our 'Bullshit Meter Level' has been raised to 'extremely high' - and I don't think we are over reacting to dumb comments!!

Last year, just days after my Rads finished, my sister visited & as I tend to 'put up a front' with visitors/strangers - she went off telling everyone that I was FINE! Nothing wrong with me! Hmmm, As if she knows how deep this whole BC thing really affects us!  She hasn't really had ANY health challenges .... yet.  We are usually at each other's throats within minutes of getting together and I was trying SO HARD for that not to happen this time - but it did!  You'd think after 65 years of it, we'd have worked out the 'triggers'??  Not her!  So thank GOD she lives in Qld!!

I am no longer very tolerant of anyone saying anything stupid these days even outside of the BC world - but sadly, you can't cure dumb!!  (I've gotten into trouble for using that phrase recently too!  LOL) Because of it, I've been 'unfriended' by numerous acquaintances (I wouldn't call them 'friends') on FB because I actually disagreed on FB with a (former) buddy who said that Australians should have the same gun laws as the USA  ..... so they can shoot anyone that causes them a threat!  HELLO?? (And this was BEFORE the looney went running thru Sydney streets last week with a knife - imagine if he'd had an automatic weapon?  It would have been a cold blooded slaughter!) And that wasn't exactly a trivial matter!

I bite my tongue a lot these days and re-read anything that I post in an effort not to offend .... but occasionally I slip up!  Ooops!  Bad luck.

Annie C

@Mic80
Ah Friends and family.

Over the last 2 years I have lost some, gained some and retained some.

As you progress through treatment and then into survivorship you will find that this is NORMAL.

it is sad to realise this, however for some non BC women a diagnosis of BC in one of their friends or family brings home the message, "hey it could have been me".

I had a friend from down south who asked to come up and "look after me". I wish I had said no. Two weeks after surgery was too soon to have a house guest. I was too emotional, too depressed,  still trying to work out what the hell happened me. That friendship is lost.

Some friends I ditched. They were too hard work. Some were too "advisory" (eat this, don't eat this, I told you sugar was bad), some too judgemental (what did you do to cause it).

As @arpie said my "bullshit meter" is now in overdrive. 

The good friends and family will walk beside you with an arm around your shoulders. That is all that is needed.

The others- they will gradually wean themselves out of your company. Let them go, you do not need the stress.

Warm Kimberley wishes to you 
Annie

Afraser

On a more positive note, I don’t think anything changed for me because of bc. Over 7 years yes, some friendships are stronger, others less so but bc wasn’t the reason. BUT I was remarkably well throughout active treatment; I didn’t have to adjust to leaving work and then resuming, or trying to resume, work, because I never left; I wasn’t distressed about talking about cancer/treatment if asked. All of this made it easy for others and at no cost or difficulty to me, which makes a massive difference. Many people are hugely uncomfortable about illness and particularly about illnesses that might kill. Just remember that is their problem to deal with (or not) not your problem, you have cancer to deal with. Best wishes. 

kmakm

I'm happy to say I lost no friends, strengthened some friendships and made some new friends through my BC.

I debunk every bullshit cancer myth that people endlessly trot out but I do it with honesty and without emotion, despite the fact that it's often tempting to yell "utter rubbish" at the top of my voice. Mostly people are ignorant and then interested when I explain.

iserbrown

@Mic80

At present you have an heightened awareness of everything around you including your own health and the constant appointments.  Others are quite often so self-absorbed that they come across as not caring.  
Things will settle and in the circle of it all some friends will stay and others will drop off.  
I lost a friend of 40 years because all of a sudden it was about me and that's not her nature, centre of attention type person!  Occasionally I miss her but if I think a little longer I think no she was part of the season that is over!

Take care and best wishes in sorting it out and please don't let it get to you!  Concentrate on yourself and your immediate family and upcoming treatment 

Mic80

Yeah everything is very heightened and I guess I just need to try to be more patient and remember my health is my issue and not everyone else’s. I think I’m just feeling a little lonely and scared in this “journey”
thanks for all your thoughts xx

kezmusc

Very normal @Mic80,

I returned to work after my first chemo and remember hearing conversations about wrong coffees, what dress to where to the party, where to go for Friday drinks etc etc.  It really bothered me at the beginning and I was thinking to myself how trivial and pathetic that was.  It gets better and it won't bother you for ever.  I must say though my sympathy level is next to nil these days. My hubby had to have an MRI on his shoulder, got all claustrophobic and bailed out in the middle of it.  My response "Don't be a sook and get the hell back in there, at least you haven't got your boobs dangling through the machine!"  Oops, I do have to watch myself sometimes.
All the best lovely.

AllyJay

I've posted this before, but it's still relevant.

Zoffiel

@Mic80 when  I'm trying to be nice to someone who is noodling on about trivial shit I plaster a fake smile on my face and mentally endure about 8 bars of The Proclaimers 500 Miles. I bloody hate that song so much, but it distracts me for long enough that I appear sympathetic.
If I'm not trying to be nice, I tell them I've got gut problems and go and hide in the nearest loo.

JennyD78

I kind of took pleasure in other people's trivial stuff while I was doing treatment.  I felt like my stuff was so big that it was really hard to talk about, and I'd get to feeling like it was all I ever talked about, so I'd encourage them to talk about the silly things.  Anything to take the focus off my bs situation.

Afraser

One of the very few good things about cancer is that it does redefine what you consider to be a problem. I’ve just been through a work issue that eight years ago would have had me an agitated mess. Instead I just (relatively quietly) pointed out the stupidity, the easy way to fix it and the hard way to fix it and it’s fixed. It’s a lousy way to learn that lesson but take the good where you can get it. When other people’s trivial ‘disasters’ annoy, just quietly drift out of the conversation. 

youngdogmum

I've had has a really difficult time with friends this year. I'm of the belief if they weren't there for me these past six months I don't want them in my life anymore.

iserbrown

@youngdogmum - in time friends come and go! 
Some friends are good times only, they don't have the emotional capacity to cope with their own ups and downs, let alone someone else's
The ones you least expect are sometimes the ones that provide support, emotionally and or practically
My dear friend of 40 years, that I mentioned earlier, was always centre of attention and down most of the time and it was me that would lift her, because I wanted to see her in a better place, however, there was no return favour when I needed it, hence she is part of a season that is over

Take care 

kmakm

@youngdogmum I'm sorry to say it but I agree with you. However I don't believe it has to be angst ridden. Mentally thank them for the good times, and let them go with ease. They weren't up for the bad times, it's just the way they are. You have been forged in a hotter fire than them and they have nothing to contribute to your life anymore.

I am very fond of the Maya Angelou quote:

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Big hug lovely, K xox