Anniversary today!
This morning I awoke to my mobile phone alarm, playing an upbeat tune with the words "Happy Halloween..3 years cancer-free..congratulations!" flashing on the screen.
Today I was diagnosed with early breast cancer 3 years ago. Little did I know on that day that I'd be facing a second diagnosis, almost to the exact day 3 years later. Our annual Halloween party went ahead on Saturday night, not celebrating being cancer-free (as was the tradition), but celebrating life...still being here and going strong.
Back in 2008, when I received the news and my daughter was only 10 years old, I remember thinking "just let me see her into high school at the very least". She starts high school in 2012, so I have (hopefully) achieved that goal!
How do you live well with a secondary diagnosis? How can you make plans? set goals?...I just don't know. How can you push fear into the back seat, even just for a little while so that you can get on with living?...I just don't know. I hope in time I can come to terms with this diagnosis...find some sort of peace, learn to dance in the rain and get on with living. Tomorrow is a big day, so perhaps with some answers I'll be able to get out of this 'limbo' state and move forward.
So congratulations to me (and my daughter) on this special day...I have survived cancer for 3 years now! It has raised its ugly head again, very unexpectedly, but I hope and pray that I can beat it one more time! xx
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I can only imagine what you are going through.I do know what a second breast cancer diagnosis feels like though.You just get your confidence back and then the rug is pulled from under you.I worry that it may have travelled elswhere in my body this time as it was 3cms.I can't bring myself to make long term plans now.I just think in terms of 3 or 4 months in advance.My girls have grown up and I am eternally grateful for that.It must be dreadful to face cancer again with a child of only 13.I know how much my girls needed me at that age.It just seems such a horrible injustice that's been dished out to you.But you have to believe that you can fight cancer again.While ever you feel ok then it must be in the early stages and it's possible to knock it on the head again.And like you say,in time you will be able to move forward.It's only natural that you'd feel scared and anxious for the future -can't squash those feelings.I am thinking of you and hope tomorrow brings some solutions for you.
love Tonya xx
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I can only imagine what you are going through.I do know what a second breast cancer diagnosis feels like though.You just get your confidence back and then the rug is pulled from under you.I worry that it may have travelled elswhere in my body this time as it was 3cms.I can't bring myself to make long term plans now.I just think in terms of 3 or 4 months in advance.My girls have grown up and I am eternally grateful for that.It must be dreadful to face cancer again with a child of only 13.I know how much my girls needed me at that age.It just seems such a horrible injustice that's been dished out to you.But you have to believe that you can fight cancer again.While ever you feel ok then it must be in the early stages and it's possible to knock it on the head again.And like you say,in time you will be able to move forward.It's only natural that you'd feel scared and anxious for the future -can't squash those feelings.I am thinking of you and hope tomorrow brings some solutions for you.
love Tonya xx
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Thank you for your messages of support ladies. Not long til my appointment for the results and treatment plan at 12 noon tomorrow! Tonya you're right...I was only just starting to get my confidence back...for the first time I was starting to make some plans for the future (only early next year) and now this unexpected turn of events. Yes, the cancer appears to be in its very early stages...tiny little dots sprinkled throughout both lungs which is unusual apparently...I cling to the hope that it can be knocked on the head though.
Alison, firstly, well done for getting through AC! I also had AC in 2009 and bloody hell...it certainly knocked me around something shocking! I think we deserve a giant trophy for surviving that alone! I agree, you definately feel better when you physically feel good. I've had a pain in my lower back for a few weeks now, and luckily no cancer was detected there in any of the scans. My GP has sent me for some additional xrays to double-check for any inflamed joints, slipped disks etc., so I will be glad when that is dealt with too. You're right, waiting is never easy, but what else can we do in times like these? I have certainly been incredibly positive over the last 3 years...and I am surprised at how sad and upset I feel at the moment. I guess it is just all part of grieving and the mixed emotions that we feel at a time like this. The drawing out of the results and treatment plan hasn't helped either, as last time I was diagnosed everything moved super-quickly which helped. Anyway, thank you for your posts. It is a comfort to know that I am not alone xxxx
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We will all be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for all positive results for you. There is not too much more to add as the girls have said it all. My friend has now lived with secondary cancer in her heart for 12 months. She is really living it. Today she joined us at a Melbourne Cup luncheon. I know that it was not her best day but she was there and enjoyed the day. I often wonder exactly what goes through her mind - and she me as I have mets in my lymph nodes. I try and not dwell on the diagnosis and just keep on "living" and "planning" (that's one of my traits). It sure is easier to "live" and enjoy life when my health is good. The last two days have been the best (healthwise) for months - I appreciate every moment that I have this. If you can, try and embrace each moment as it comes - good or bad. Thinking of you - yes and it is natural to feel scared. XLeonie
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Hi Celeste
I hope you have your results and treatment plan now. I have been thinking about you.
I am sure you will more than see your goal of seeing your daughter to high school. I can so relate to many of your feelings. I too felt so very sad and still do sometimes. I also felt and still sometimes feel so very frightened. I too was extremely positive. It is not a bad thing to have and express these feelings. It is a good thing to give them space - then they don't seem so big. It is incredibly healing to let those feelings free when they come and not to suppress them. As for planning - I couldn't go shopping of buy myself new clothes because why bother? Why plan a holiday? Why even consider that I might become a grandmother one day?
I still have a sense of the fear being there every day - it is much less now. I am working with a counsellor to face my fear head on and deal with it. That may sound like it preoccupies me - it doesn't. There are some aspects of having ABC that I am grateful for (though I would do everything to not have it!) the main one being that it has given me a chance to make every single day worthwhile - sure there are times that I am not the Mum I want to be - but there are many more times now where I am the person I truly want to be - not just a person that pleases others. For me it is stopping procrastinating and doing things I've always wanted to do - not even big things but little things - I don't always take the "easy" way - I now just do it - rather than asking "why", I ask "why not?" sometimes - the answer will be - your body needs to rest for a while and I need to respect that, often the answer is there is no bloody reason why not so go ahead and do it.
I'm rambling a little now - it's chemo day and I'm a little tired ;-). It's interesting that you say the lung spread is unusual as I too have tiny spots throughout my lungs - I haven't been told it was unusual - I too cling to hope that it can be knocked on the head - we can never have hope taken away from us. There are so many treatment options and so many women living a long time with this disease - in that time, more and more treatment options become available - we have to continue to live in hope.
Congratulations on 3 years - here's to many, many fulfilling years ahead.
I am now going to rest, meditate and visualise my now 4 year old son's wedding - and I'm there dancing with him! It's a beautiful image.
Much love, light and hugs to you Celeste.
Amanda xx
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Thank you Leonie for your post. Yes, I'm sure as time goes by I'll be able to feel a bit more accepting of all of this, and just keep on living. Once i get into a routine things should be a bit better. Take care, Celeste xx
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Hi Amanda, thanks for your inspiring post. Yes it's interesting that they told me my tiny cancer spots in my lungs are unusual...so you have them too? They are scattered through both lungs apparently some at 3mm with the largest at 6mm. It's a comfort to know that I am not "odd"!! I agree with you about hope....it should never be taken away from us, because some days it feels asthough its all I have! It's good to hear that the fear starts to subside Amanda...its a scary time indeed and no way to live...feeling frightened 24/7. I have been doing some meditation and hypnotherapy (visualisation) with my Psychologist and gee its good!...very conforting and positive!
Thanks again for posting. Take care, Celeste xx
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