Anniversary today!

Hi Celeste

I hope you have your results and treatment plan now.  I have been thinking about you. 

I am sure you will more than see your goal of seeing your daughter to high school.  I can so relate to many of your feelings. I too felt so very sad and still do sometimes.  I also felt and still sometimes feel so very frightened. I too was extremely positive.  It is not a bad thing to have and express these feelings.  It is a good thing to give them space - then they don't seem so big.  It is incredibly healing to let those feelings free when they come and not to suppress them.  As for planning - I couldn't go shopping of buy myself new clothes because why bother? Why plan a holiday? Why even consider that I might become a grandmother one day?  

I still have a sense of the fear being there every day - it is much less now.  I am working with a counsellor to face my fear head on and deal with it.  That may sound like it preoccupies me - it doesn't.  There are some aspects of having ABC that I am grateful for (though I would do everything to not have it!) the main one being that it has given me a chance to make every single day worthwhile - sure there are times that I am not the Mum I want to be - but there are many more times now where I am the person I truly want to be - not just a person that pleases others.  For me it is stopping procrastinating and doing things I've always wanted to do - not even big things but little things - I don't always take the "easy" way - I now just do it - rather than asking "why", I ask "why not?"  sometimes - the answer will be - your body needs to rest for a while and I need to respect that, often the answer is there is no bloody reason why not so go ahead and do it.  

I'm rambling a little now - it's chemo day and I'm a little tired ;-).  It's interesting that you say the lung spread is unusual as I too have tiny spots throughout my lungs - I haven't been told it was unusual - I too cling to hope that it can be knocked on the head - we can never have hope taken away from us. There are so many treatment options and so many women living a long time with this disease - in that time, more and more treatment options become available - we have to continue to live in hope.  

Congratulations on 3 years - here's to many, many fulfilling years ahead.  

I am now going to rest, meditate and visualise my now 4 year old son's wedding - and I'm there dancing with him!  It's a beautiful image. 

Much love, light and hugs to you Celeste.

Amanda xx