Where does the time go???
It feels like yesterday, I was sitting in the surgeon's rooms - it's breast cancer, she said. I cried.
That was 9 weeks ago, tomorrow. So much has happened since then. I want this to be a life-changing experience, and it has changed my life, but not yet, my habits. I still watch too much useless TV (but I love NCIS & Brothers and Sisters, Underbelly: Razor, Touched by an Angel - is mine coming soon??), and waste time on Facebook, Words with Friends and my little smurf village - how do I get into the habit of doing the things I really want to do in my life?? without it sounding like a Bucket List??
I love scrapbooking, but since I had children, I never make the time / find the time to do this - because I want them to be perfect. This is how I tell my story, and the stories of my children (only 2 & 4 yo) - I'm afraid if I dive too head down into getting all the scrapbooking projects done NOW, that people will think I am giving up - I'm not giving up, just trying to catch up on the things I wanted to do, but never did because I always thought there would be time, and there is still PLENTY of time - but I need to ask myself, "What am I doing with that time?"
I don't expect responses, I'm really just doing this for me (although my boss did suggest I write a book at the end of this drama, and this is one way I can record my thoughts as I go along), but again, I'm already 4 stories behind (episode 2 - to tell or not to tell, episode 3 - a week of testing or a testing week? and episode 4 - i've forgotten it's name - chemo brain already??)
this is my secret diary, my name's not Laura Palmer, but I still have a secret diary.
Until next time,
Me
PS: i'm looking at my profile picture, the hair is now off my head, kind of, and i'm a little jealous of the care free chick enjoying her friends 30th birthday - those are not my alcoholic drinks btw - i was driving!!!!
Comments
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Hi Penny,
It is something we have all experienced, that life shattering moment when we hear those few words, "sorry, you breast cancer".
My breast cancer story began on November 25th last year, when I heard those very same words. I'm now nearing my first anniversary. In a nutshell, I've had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, followed 3 weeks later with a mastectomy and level 1 lymph node clearance, ( all clear ), 4 rounds of chemo, baldness, Tamoxifen, then Femara, and 10 days ago, had the other breast removed and the beginning of reconstruction with the insertion of tissue expanders on both sides. ( I didn't ever want to hear those words again ).
Reading your blog reminded me of what I also thought I would do with my time. This was going to change me
and I was going to do something really good with my
life. I'm still waiting for my epiphany. I resigned from
work. I had been thinking about this for awhile, and with
chemo and the risk of infection, and my desire to do
something important, thought this a step in the right
direction. Well, 9 months later, nothing much has
changed. I have gone back to work, in a similar job, and
could go back to my old medical centre if I wanted to. I
have held off, as I feel I would really be letting myself
down as It would look like I've completely wasted this
opportunity for "greatness". Like you, I now watch far
too much TV, and manage to waste an enormous
amount of time. My children have all grown up, and
whilst one still lives at home, I do not have the work
load that you as a young mum would have. I have
become almost addicted to this site. It is good knowing
that we are not alone in this cancer journey.
Be kind to yourself, and spend your time doing what
pleases you. I've decided to to give myself this year to
get better, and then with my treatment and
reconstruction behind me, I'm hoping that I will find
what it is I'm searching for , so that I can make a
difference.
I'm glad you have found this site, and I'm sure you will get lots of responses. What is your cancer type, and
treatment? Wishing you all the best.
Love from Chris xxx0 -
Hey pennyy! Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the site. Feel free to use it any way that suits you (including as a personal diary!
. I know it often helps me to write things out when I'm trying to process what's going on so hope it works for you, too. Love your idea to record your thoughts as episodes -- just start writing and you'll be caught up before you know it! Sounds like you've had a bit of a whirlwind 9 weeks, so I hope things settle down soon and wishing you all the best for your treatment.
~Di
(ps. I'm all for a little TV escape now and then, too... whatever works, I say!)
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Hey pennyy! Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the site. Feel free to use it any way that suits you (including as a personal diary!
. I know it often helps me to write things out when I'm trying to process what's going on so hope it works for you, too. Love your idea to record your thoughts as episodes -- just start writing and you'll be caught up before you know it! Sounds like you've had a bit of a whirlwind 9 weeks, so I hope things settle down soon and wishing you all the best for your treatment.
~Di
(ps. I'm all for a little TV escape now and then, too... whatever works, I say!)
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Hi Penny - you will find this site a real bonus especially if you feel a bit down - as the ladies here are all going through the same stuff - Yes, I wonder where the time has gone - its been eleven months since I was diagnoses and alrealy I look like a little patchwork dollie! - oh, and minus a front tooth that broke off my denture the other night AND a scar on my jawline thanks to a recent skin cancer op - Listen to me, whine, whine, whine! - I sound like a jumbo that can't take off! BUT having said that, its good to get on here and talk about it all, the ladies are gorgeous and at least they REALLY do understand, so hugs from all of us x Josie
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Hi Penny
This is my first connection with anyone on this site as I only joined last week, but I completely related with you & had to say hi!
I am 37 with an 8 yr old 5 yr old & 3 yr old. I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago on 11th oct 2011 & had a mastectomy 10days later with sentinal node biopsy. No family history but I found a lump a year ago, & the gp, ultrasound & mammogram couldn't find anything. So I went back again this year to check on it & this time they biopsied it & then removed it, & found cancer! My right breast was completely covered in DCIS & 2 other lumps were found in the breast tissue that had been undetected prior to the mastectomy. My lymph nodes somehow remained clear though, & I have been lucky enough to avoid chemo & radiation therapy & just need tamoxofen! So it's not so much the treatment that Irelated with you but that feeling of changing my life!
I too watch too much crap on tv & don't feel like I'm using my time the way I want! I feel like my life has completely changed, but I haven't yet changed my life. I yearn for the carefree woman I was a month ago, but don't want to live my life unconsciously anymore! I have made some appointments at a cancer care place here in adelaide, & am going to re-learn (I've learnt before but never used it) how to meditate, & then see a counsellor. I am hoping they will be the kick-start to getting me to live more consciously!
My 3 year old will be up in 6 hrs so I will leave now, but please know that your words really helped me tonight, & I don't feel as alone as I have in the past few weeks!
Hope you are not finding chemo too revolting. & pleased to meet you,
Love Sam
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Hi Penny
This is my first connection with anyone on this site as I only joined last week, but I completely related with you & had to say hi!
I am 37 with an 8 yr old 5 yr old & 3 yr old. I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago on 11th oct 2011 & had a mastectomy 10days later with sentinal node biopsy. No family history but I found a lump a year ago, & the gp, ultrasound & mammogram couldn't find anything. So I went back again this year to check on it & this time they biopsied it & then removed it, & found cancer! My right breast was completely covered in DCIS & 2 other lumps were found in the breast tissue that had been undetected prior to the mastectomy. My lymph nodes somehow remained clear though, & I have been lucky enough to avoid chemo & radiation therapy & just need tamoxofen! So it's not so much the treatment that Irelated with you but that feeling of changing my life!
I too watch too much crap on tv & don't feel like I'm using my time the way I want! I feel like my life has completely changed, but I haven't yet changed my life. I yearn for the carefree woman I was a month ago, but don't want to live my life unconsciously anymore! I have made some appointments at a cancer care place here in adelaide, & am going to re-learn (I've learnt before but never used it) how to meditate, & then see a counsellor. I am hoping they will be the kick-start to getting me to live more consciously!
My 3 year old will be up in 6 hrs so I will leave now, but please know that your words really helped me tonight, & I don't feel as alone as I have in the past few weeks!
Hope you are not finding chemo too revolting. & pleased to meet you,
Love Sam
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Hi Sam,
Sorry for the delay in responding - am on holiday in Queensland with the family before chemo again on Monday.
Meditation is a great way to get back in touch with yourself and give you time to priortise what it is you want to do. My GP has suggested a counsellor, but i'm not sure i want to go down that path at the moment. A few things have happened to friends and family lately that made me realise that while cancer is bad, and i never wanted it, things could have been a whole lot worse.
Unfortunately, though we are all bound by a breast cancer diagnosis, there are so many different kinds and they aren't the same, nor is treatment the same. Stay positive and don't let negativity into your mind. Whilst I really enjoy expressing myself on this site, and my blog might sound depressing, or down, I'm really not. Life is for living, and that's what I'm going to try to do now. No chemo or radiation sounds like a blessing (although I am enjoying having no hair!! not enjoying losing my eyelashes though!!) Some of the posts on this site sound a bit depressing - avoid those!!
Love your family and love yourself - don't let cancer be the end of your living - 86% survivial rate to 5 years - that's a lot to look forward to.
Take care, and stay strong
Penny
PS: there is a group called The Warwick Foundation that is set up to help people between the age of 18 - 40 dealing with cancer. They offer lots of help and support - google them and join up - they're a great help and can offer lots of help if you need it
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