Last 4 weeks of chemo then mastectomy-feeling low

Cory51

I am not really newly diagnosed but still have quite a ways to go to finish treatment so thought I would post on this forum. I was diagnosed in June and had a lumpectomy and wide node clearance a week later. The surgery was OK but I developed serous fluid build up in the breast post op and had to have it drained many times, finally hospitalised because the oncologist thought it was infected. Went home with a drain, which came out a week later and then another week later I started chemo, 12 weeks of AC, which thankfully is over. I am in the final 4 weeks of Taxol, which I am tolerating much better with fewer side effects. I have a mastectomy scheduled for 15 Jan (have a 4 week or so break and then 28 days of radiation) and I have chosen not to have a reconstruction. This was a choice I made as soon as the surgeon said he hadn't been able to get clear margins so a mastectomy was what was recommended. I am 67 and a reconstruction is just not something I ever considered. This week I started researching breast forms, bras, etc and became very overwhelmed. I think when I thought about surgery I put my 'nurse hat' on and thought about it clinically, how I would recover, that sort of thing. Now that it is getting closer it feels different. While chemo, especially AC, was brutal it was all inside me, something happening I couldn't see even though I knew there were toxic drugs in my body. The removal of my breast is something outside for me to see and that has really hit me hard today. I know that for now I need to concentrate on the next 4 weeks and getting through chemo but as a nurse I also crave information and so wanted to start researching the next step and what that entailed. Well I found out fast, I am overwhelmed! I guess I am feeling very emotional today and needed to share how I was feeling with others who have been through what I am experiencing. Thank you to anyone who is listening...

Cory51

By the way, my name is Jenny, not Cory... just my username and a nick name from my dad many years ago...

kmakm

Hi Jenny. I had a recon so I can't help you specifically, but wanted to say I feel for you. This whole thing just sucks. We've got a few nurses here, and plenty of people who haven't had reconstructions. I'm sure they'll be along shortly to help. Hang in there. Hugs, K xox

primek

I had a reconstruction also but my final surgery really hit home that my breasts were gone forever and what has been rebuilt will never replace them. 
Towards the end of chemo you are exhausted both physically and mentally and I remember feeling very depressed on taxol about the same point as you. Teary and just so so tired. It all seemed too much. Know that it gets better about 7 weeks post chemo a little of the old you returns as with hope. I truly believe chemo impacts on our brain chemistry hense the depression. You are doing a physical and mental marathon presently. And what I say as a fellow nurse is to accept what we can't control. Accept you will need the help of a breast form specialist who will compassionately help you through this part. For now Jen...just be kind to you. Go out with friends and family, drink the good coffee  (the one thing for me which still tasted good) I used to go to a hydro pool and just walk with my sister. The end is close and it's just exhausting but you are here heading over the finish line. 
Kath x

Cory51

Thank you both for your thoughts/support. Yes Kath I feel exactly as you described, teary and so tired. xx Jenny

Blossom1961

Hi Jenny, I am post chemo, pre mastectomy. My surgery is booked in for this Tuesday, one side only plus lymph node clearance. I have been trying not to think about my surgery. I know it has to happen and I will deal with it after. My concern is that if I think too hard I will decide to drop the whole thing and hope for the best whilst doing the complete opposite. Occupy yourself as much as possible with other things. I will not be having a recon but have decided on a tattoo after six months but before a year while the area is still numb. My surgeon said no earlier than six months but the numb area will get smaller so the sooner I have it after six months, the less I will feel it. I hate needles but really want to do this so have been researching designs and amazingly, it has lifted my spirits.

Afraser

Hi @Cory51

i had a mastectomy and no reconstruction, also at 67. Never really fancied it, I had a long term seroma so wasn't mad keen on further surgery either if I could help it. When I finally got to a proper prosthesis (soft pad for ages as my breast site fluctuated in size because of fluid) I was quite thrilled. Proper weight (took
my back a week or two to adjust!), fitted at home with good bras, it was all quite straightforward and has continued to be so. I am quite comfortable with my scar, it's technically 'untidy' as my surgeon left scope for reconstruction but it also provides a very slight cleavage! On holiday a few years ago, I took a deep breath in Iceland and stripped off in the open ladies showers before getting in a hot pool. Sensible Icelanders didn't bat an eyelid. Prosthesis gets popped in of a morning then forgotten. I would have much more trouble with contacts or false eyelashes. What suits each person is very individual, no right or wrong. If you really don't like a prosthesis, you can always consider other options. A good fitter will help a lot though, perhaps we can recommend someone depending on where you live. Best wishes.

Cory51

hi Blossom, I have read about getting tattoos following mastectomy but not considered it for myself. I had the lymph node clearance with the lumpectomy. My armpit has remained uncomfortable, well more just weird feeling, which I think is just from the slow to resolve numbness in that area. I also developed a cord several months post surgery so did massage and stretching and my last appointment with the lymphedema physio the cord had resolved, so that was good news. I am also going to an exercise class for women with cancer run by exercise physiologists that I am really enjoying. It has helped me feel that I am working on fitness even though I am really tired. I am struggling with yoga as it is a 90 minute class and while slow paced Iyengar it has become really challenging. I guess I am still trying to be the 'good' cancer patient and do all the right things, which my counsellor says maybe I should relax about a bit. Best of luck with your surgery. . Jenny

[Deleted User]

Hi Jenny, I had to wait 2 years for reconstruction due to damage from radiotherapy. It was a shock when I first saw myself after surgery, but I got used to it. I regretted choices I’d made in my treatment at different points in my treatment. This was one of them, but it was something I got used to. All the best with the rest of chemo and your surgery. Chemo is exhausting - I felt down at the end of 6 months of it and then had to have radiotherapy. It’s such a long process, but you will feel better in the future. x

Cory51

hi Afraser, I am fine with getting a prostheses, just all the different websites were overwhelming. I sent an email to breast care victoria so hope to get linked up with someone through them. I am in Melbourne. I have a friend in NSW who had a mastectomy about 10 years ago and she said the same thing about the prostheses, put it in and move on, so I'm ok with that. I think I am just feeling really emotional at the end of chemo and looking ahead to the next part of the journey and feeling a bit overwhelmed again, almost like I did when first diagnosed. 

Afraser

I used Essentially Woman, Judy Strates, a BCNA recommendation (although I didn't know it at the time, my oncology nurse made the recommendation). @melclarity also has a good recommendation. 

Cory51

Thank you

Zoffiel

Hi @cory51 There are a few deeply pragmatic people on this site but I think, without exception, we all reach a point when something gets right under our skin. It's all well and good to make sensible decisions about systemic poisoning and getting body parts removed, but it's a shitful situation and eventually something has to give. I've had a few Basil Fawlty  moments and have literally taken to my car with a stick because I couldn't shut the alarm up. The final straw, so to speak. Losing the plot a bit about having to pick a fake boob is reasonable.

Chemo sucks. Tit lopping sucks, particularly when it has been on the horizon for so long. I had chemo first too, and by the time I was able to have surgery I was ready to chew those puppies off myself. It's horrible to be backed into a corner where all the options are unpalatable and it sends out brains into over drive. We get it, hang in there. MXX

melclarity

Hi @Cory51 I too totally get how you are feeling as do these wonderful ladies here. Thanks @Afraser for the tag. I had BC 2011 lumpectomy, rads for 5 weeks and tamoxifen for years. I then had a recurrence in the scar tissue in 2015 which resulted in IDC stage 2, Grade 3, another major lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy(all clear) I did FEC every 3 weeks x 4, then 10 of Taxol all of it hideous!! beyond comprehension. I remember in January of 2016 after finishing chemo my Oncologist saying to me now...throw tamoxifen away it didnt work and I think you should have a mastectomy now. So it wasnt urgent for me, but I did finally do it a year later in Feb of 2017 with immediate diep flap reconstruction, I was 49 at the time. It was the hardest decision of my life and the most emotionally overwhelming than any of the other stuff I had been through. It was only touching base with a Psychologist from the past that helped me put into perspective my feelings and get to the place of doing it. I realised it didnt define who I was, Im so much more than this physical body and who I am doesnt change because of how I look.

I saw this wonderful lady in Port Melbourne who used to be a Nurse but is now a fitter, amazing!!! Her name is Genevieve Gort http://breastcarevictoria.com.au/about/

I have been advocating her since I saw her and just cannot recommend her enough for all your needs. Please do get in touch with her, Ive never felt so fitted and happy with a bra in all my life. 

Hugs

M x

Cory51

Thanks for both recommendations above for fitters. I did connect with  Breast Care Victoria and will ring Genevieve. I feel much better with all this support and response. What started out to be a very emotional morning has turned into a more restful afternoon. Thank you to everyone who has responded to me today...x

Sister

@cory51 I'm glad that you're feeling a bit more at ease with things.  I had a mastectomy in January (after a wide excision in December) and I'm still undecided about reconstruction.  The exercise group I go to had a breast reconstruction nurse out to talk to us on Friday - my feeling at the end is that I'm not happy with the idea of having reconstruction surgery and I'm not happy with the idea of not having it.  So, who knows?

Mind you, I did find the excision/mastectomy the easiest part of the treatment to deal with.