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Bit down lately
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Pebbz1981
Member Posts: 32 ✭
Hello all,
I don't even know where to begin. I have been feeling a bit down lately. I have been sick with a throat and ear infection which is taking so so long to go away, also June 22 was 9 yrs since my first ever diagnosis ( metastatic is my 3rd ). so many thoughts are going through my mind. I know when i am sick i start feeling worse and all sorts of thoughts enter my head. 2018 Has not been a good year for me so far. I started the year off in hospital with an infection they could not find, i had to have platelet and blood transfusions ( first ever). since then i was released from hospital then went back in, have had another blood transfusion, have changed chemo, started Denusomab injection, stopped injection due to vitamin levels being so so low, have had such bad ulcers, have lost about 12 kgs this yr so far, Have had numerous bouts of Diarrhoea and also constipation from the chemo meds. I feel like my body is giving up, it is so so weak, i hardly have the strength to walk, i am out of breath so easily, i have trouble eating as my throat feels like it closes up each time i swallow and i actually have choked on food a few times. My last 2 weeks of chemo was cancelled to give my body a chance to get over the throat and ear infection, so i have 1 more week to try and get as better as I can and get back into a headspace to continue with treatment and to keep fighting. I dont know where to find the strength.....i know its in there somewhere as i have used it before multiple times.
I dont have many friends, I am unable to go out as the chemo makes me so sick and tired, the only chance i really get to go out is my off week which is every 3 weeks, my husband and I try and take advantage of that week. I am stuck between 4 walls everyday and spend most of my time in bed as the lounge is not comfortable. I seem to have lost enjoyment from alot of things lately.
I am not ready to leave this world and life as yet, there are so many things i would still love to do and see if my body permits it.
Has anyone ever felt like this? how do you keep going? This is the lowest i have felt in a very very long time. I have seen the counsellor in the past but i dont want to see her just yet.
I don't even know where to begin. I have been feeling a bit down lately. I have been sick with a throat and ear infection which is taking so so long to go away, also June 22 was 9 yrs since my first ever diagnosis ( metastatic is my 3rd ). so many thoughts are going through my mind. I know when i am sick i start feeling worse and all sorts of thoughts enter my head. 2018 Has not been a good year for me so far. I started the year off in hospital with an infection they could not find, i had to have platelet and blood transfusions ( first ever). since then i was released from hospital then went back in, have had another blood transfusion, have changed chemo, started Denusomab injection, stopped injection due to vitamin levels being so so low, have had such bad ulcers, have lost about 12 kgs this yr so far, Have had numerous bouts of Diarrhoea and also constipation from the chemo meds. I feel like my body is giving up, it is so so weak, i hardly have the strength to walk, i am out of breath so easily, i have trouble eating as my throat feels like it closes up each time i swallow and i actually have choked on food a few times. My last 2 weeks of chemo was cancelled to give my body a chance to get over the throat and ear infection, so i have 1 more week to try and get as better as I can and get back into a headspace to continue with treatment and to keep fighting. I dont know where to find the strength.....i know its in there somewhere as i have used it before multiple times.
I dont have many friends, I am unable to go out as the chemo makes me so sick and tired, the only chance i really get to go out is my off week which is every 3 weeks, my husband and I try and take advantage of that week. I am stuck between 4 walls everyday and spend most of my time in bed as the lounge is not comfortable. I seem to have lost enjoyment from alot of things lately.
I am not ready to leave this world and life as yet, there are so many things i would still love to do and see if my body permits it.
Has anyone ever felt like this? how do you keep going? This is the lowest i have felt in a very very long time. I have seen the counsellor in the past but i dont want to see her just yet.
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Comments
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http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/group/2-living-with-metastatic-breast-cancer
Don't know what to say except hey there's always someone to talk to on here! Perhaps if you jump on the link above and use the join button on the right hand side and write your detail and send. Soon enough someone will respond to let you know you are a member of that private group as I think you will find others in there that maybe similar to you or give you a few hints
Take care
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Hey @Pebbz1981 Things sound pretty shit at the moment, good on you for getting in here and letting off a bit of steam. I don't think the isolation that chronic disease can bring is taken into serious consideration-- you can be well cared for and loved but still be terribly lonely. If you have always been independent it's very hard to strike up new relationships when you are unwell and being stuck at home is dismal. I don't have a magic wand and am not at all a hugger, but I just wanted to let you know your voice is being heard. Marg xx2
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Hello Pebbz dear sorry treatment is making you feel down lots of contacts for you here.
Have you accessed the Pallative care team as part of your intensive treatment.....lots of assistsnce from them if you enquire.
I hope that the break will give body those extra magic bloods cells to overcome the problems.
Xoooo
Bright in hope1 -
Hello @Pebbz1981 sending you a private message0
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Hello Pebbz1981
You are having a tough time aren’t you.
My heart does out to you.
My mind went to what services are out there in the community that can come to you to provide you with further support and care.
A thousend good wishes to you.
JmK1 -
Any sunny days where you can sit out the back in the garden and enjoy the suns warmth? Warming sun makes me feel great!
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Hello@Pebbz1981,
Its been a couple of days since you put your post up and I can only hope that you may be feeling a little brighter and have drawn once again on that strength that has gotten you this far,yes, it is so very very hard at times, physically mentally and emotionally,I am 5 years in from my metastatic diagnosis and have to admit have spent the last few days on reflection, of where I started and where I am heading on this weary path we tread, day in and day out, I do understand when we have those days which seem to stretch on and on, and there is no end in sight,you just think, is this it, is this how I am going to spend the rest of my life?.
No, it is not, we have those times to make us stronger, to dig even deeper into that well of strength that is there in all of us.
When this happens, I just let it - it is what it is - IT WILL PASS -
There are strategies and services in place just for these times,if you want them,sometimes I just need time out, to refocus on whats important and whats not,you mentioned that you have seen a counsellor,but are not quite ready to do so again, perhaps its enough just putting your post, up, and by putting your feelings down that will help, of course you are not ready to leave this world yet, and yes there are things that you want to do and see, and you will, like you I am a quiet person and a stay at home, I love my home,I have a few friends, but they are totally aware that if I am not feeling up to par, I will not socialise,however, I do have to stop and say to myself. this is not just about me, and will often find having a coffee with a friend or two really does help, I have used the services of the Cancer Council, the nurses here at BCNA, and also their special service of speaking to their counsellor who deals only with metastatic cancer.
Different things make me happy now, the small things,I went through a very bad time some time ago and after some gentle pursuasion from my gp and McGrath nurse, finally decided I would try some happy pills otherwise know as prozac, best thing I ever did, but thats what suited me,do you have a McGrath nurse?.
Would you feel happy chatting to other women via phone who have mets, I belong to the NSW telephone support group for women who have metastatic cancer, we are linked via our home or mobile every 2 nd and 4 th Tuesday and we chat for an hour you can just listen or join in,.
You have had a huge amount to contend with lately and all of that has taken a toll on you, you have to take baby steps at the moment to get your physical and mental health back, YOU can do it, we will help you, thats what we are here for anytime, we understand, and we do care, no matter where you live in this beautiful country of ours.
So if I could wish you anything at the moment,it would be peace of mind, we all need that, its the first step to healing I think, to have that peace of mind that,well, these are the cards I have been dealt, and onwards and upwards from here,please be gentle on yourself,do what you want,and if thats laying in bed,so be it, use that time to do some meditation, mindfulness or whatever,{A block of chocolate goes down well I find} get stronger,and let us know how you are going.
Wendy5510 -
@Pebbz1981 you poor thing - I think all of us have felt completely shit at some time or another during this whole process. We are all here for you though xoxox1
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Hi @kmakm ,
Thank you for your kind words, I write from the heart,always have done,words are very powerful,we are all in this together and that's what I love about this on-line community so much, it doesn't matter where you live, what your circumstances are, only another woman who has walked in our shoes knows what it is like,we laugh together and cry together, and support one another 110%, its so unfair and so unjust that this happens to good people,
however, we know, that we do come out the other side, that day turns to night and yes, tomorrow is another day, and I live by the mantra whatever needs to be put off today can certainly be done tomorrow or the next day{housework is on top of that list}, you have been having a tough time of it as well lately along with @Pebbz1981 - I can only say to you as I have said before, one day, one hour at a time, breathe,and those awful feelings will pass, if I could give every beautiful lady here on this site a great big bunch of flowers I would, just know, even in our darkest hours that you are being thought of -
as Napoleon Bonaparte once said,
"Courage isn't having the strength to go on- it is in the going on when you don't have the strength
Big cyber hug and so wish I could give you and all the other ladies a shoulder to cry on.
Wendy.
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hope today is a better day - if there is things you still want to do then put them in your diary and book it in - use that 3rd week of the cycle to touch a dolphin, go whale watching or what ever it is that your heart desires - might not be able to do full day activities but do what you can - I spent 20 minutes in the water with a dolphin then had to sleep for 14 hours straight - but it was worth it. - do the stuff you love - if you want to go to the barrier reef then get yourself to Cairns - if you're not up to a boat ride and day out on the islands and the boat ride back - then get a chopper out and/or back - look for easy ways to do what you love. sending hugs!!!! hope you feel better soon.
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You know what @TripleNegMama, with @Joannie's words about treating myself at the front of my mind, I just had a 45 minute foot & lower leg massage. Hang the expense, I was just so sick of the ankle pain. So after making sure my eldest had things under control on the home front, for 22.5 blissful minutes on each leg, I couldn't feel the pain. Heaven. K xox4
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I don't have metstatic disease but certainly get the overwhelming exhaustion of chemo and the feeling of just "give up now" that goes with illness and depression. And yes lovely you really are experiencing depression.
Now "talk therapy" can help when your ready. But in reality maybe it's actually time to look at an antidepressant...or dose adjustment to assist in balancing the serotinin in the brain. Once it is better you might be able to rally your inner strength to assist in recovery of your mental health.
It's been a tough year for you and very few would be able to just soldier on with a smile. Let us know how you are going. Kath x0 -
Hi Pebbz. How are you doing? It's been a week since you started this thread. I hope it was a better one for you. How are your ears and throat? Thinking of you and hoping that you're feeling a bit stronger. K xox1
