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Pebbz1981's avatar
Pebbz1981
Member
7 years ago

Bit down lately

Hello all,

I don't even know where to begin. I have been feeling a bit down lately. I have been sick with a throat and ear infection which is taking so so long to go away, also June 22 was 9 yrs since my first ever diagnosis ( metastatic is my 3rd ). so many thoughts are going through my mind. I know when i am sick i start feeling worse and all sorts of thoughts enter my head. 2018 Has not been a good year for me so far. I started the year off in hospital with an infection they could not find, i had to have platelet and blood transfusions ( first ever). since then i was released from hospital then went back in, have had another blood transfusion, have changed chemo, started Denusomab injection, stopped injection due to vitamin levels being so so low, have had such bad ulcers, have lost about 12 kgs this yr so far, Have had numerous bouts of Diarrhoea and also constipation from the chemo meds. I feel like my body is giving up, it is so so weak, i hardly have the strength to walk, i am out of breath so easily, i have trouble eating as my throat feels like it closes up each time i swallow and i actually have choked on food a few times. My last 2 weeks of chemo was cancelled to give my body a chance to get over the throat and ear infection, so i have 1 more week to try and get as better as I can and get back into a headspace to continue with treatment and to keep fighting. I dont know where to find the strength.....i know its in there somewhere as i have used it before multiple times.

I dont have many friends, I am unable to go out as the chemo makes me so sick and tired, the only chance i really get to go out is my off week which is every 3 weeks, my husband and I try and take advantage of that week. I am stuck between 4 walls everyday and spend most of my time in bed as the lounge is not comfortable. I seem to have lost enjoyment from alot of things lately. 

I am not ready to leave this world and life as yet, there are so many things i would still love to do and see if my body permits it.

Has anyone ever felt like this? how do you keep going? This is the lowest i have felt in a very very long time. I have seen the counsellor in the past but i dont want to see her just yet.