What is the hardest and what is the easiest
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Sister
Member Posts: 4,960 ✭
I was trawling through the discussions as I do most 4am's and came to wondering what is hard and what is easier for each of us to deal with. I wasn't even sure whether to post this (so please take it down if inappropriate) or if it should be in Tests and Treatments or Health and Wellbeing. I've thought a lot about how it affects those closest to me but perhaps not enough about how I feel (or maybe I have and I need another dose of ME! ME!)
I hate that I was travelling along quite well with no symptoms, just getting on with my overly stressful life. Next thing - wham! bam! I'm sick! I'm a patient! I can no longer quite do things for myself and have to be careful. Surgery done - yep I can cope with that and getting myself back to normal - not sure how other's look at my new shape but I can deal with it. It's only a bloody breast and not much use to me anymore. Exercise and treat myself properly and it'll be manageable. Hair - don't care - it'll grow and I've had it really short in the past anyway. Chemo, however, I do not like. It saps at my very being and stops me being able to be me. Life bow's down to chemo. And I know that so far chemo has taken it softly, softly with me. On the horizon, I have the unknown joys of radation and hormone therapy. What wonders will they display for me?
It's funny...with bits hacked off and seriously vicious chemicals coursing through my body, I do not feel less of a woman. Sometimes, I feel sidelined, which I hate more. And it's no-one's fault because the treatment does that with the fogginess, the nausea, the exhaustion, and the egocentric nature of the beast.
That's my philosophical rant this morning. I will offer it as a black pearl for others to take and run with or leave it mouldering in the sand. What do you find hardest and easiest about dealing with this beast?
I hate that I was travelling along quite well with no symptoms, just getting on with my overly stressful life. Next thing - wham! bam! I'm sick! I'm a patient! I can no longer quite do things for myself and have to be careful. Surgery done - yep I can cope with that and getting myself back to normal - not sure how other's look at my new shape but I can deal with it. It's only a bloody breast and not much use to me anymore. Exercise and treat myself properly and it'll be manageable. Hair - don't care - it'll grow and I've had it really short in the past anyway. Chemo, however, I do not like. It saps at my very being and stops me being able to be me. Life bow's down to chemo. And I know that so far chemo has taken it softly, softly with me. On the horizon, I have the unknown joys of radation and hormone therapy. What wonders will they display for me?
It's funny...with bits hacked off and seriously vicious chemicals coursing through my body, I do not feel less of a woman. Sometimes, I feel sidelined, which I hate more. And it's no-one's fault because the treatment does that with the fogginess, the nausea, the exhaustion, and the egocentric nature of the beast.
That's my philosophical rant this morning. I will offer it as a black pearl for others to take and run with or leave it mouldering in the sand. What do you find hardest and easiest about dealing with this beast?
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Oh yes...I miss parts of my old life. I miss looking into the mirror and seeing a strange, somewhat befuddled looking old woman glaring balefully back. Not that long ago, I had brown (with some silver...well okay grey) hair down to my bum. I'd grown it since I was twelve. I sat on it at my wedding 39 years ago. It tickled my babies and even landed in a nappy or two. The history of me was braided up in that hair. Now I had a wild curly explosion of white curls!!! I used to have a decent 18D frontage which provided much fun and giggles. Not that long ago, I spent every weekend jumping out of anything that could get me to altitude. Skyvans, Nomads, Cessnas, Helicopters, hot air balloons, if it had a door, I was in and up and then out and down. Almost two thousand times. Every hundredth jump was a nudie and my battle cry in the door was "Nipples up, scrotums in" and out the door the nude load would go. Well that part of my life is truly past...no more nipples, no more knees in the breeze too. But I've always been a fighter, five years in a childrens' home and seventeen schools will do that to you. Anyone gives me crap and I send it right back, with interest. Pick on someone else, and I'll take on the bully. Cancer is a bully and gives me crap, but fuck it, I'm still the old me under the wrinkly skin.
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Sometimes I'm worried about losing the old me. Can't see her anywhere at times. But I guess she's just biding her time.3
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Ditto @Sister. How is this my life? I don't want these changes, physically or mentally. The emotional contortions to accommodate the changes scare me. You work so hard to reach a place of acceptance within yourself. By middle age it is hard won and well earned. And then BC...
I resent the sidelining that this illness has brought. I feel diminished and useless, a burden. I am the one who looks after everyone else!
I'm nervous about who I'll be, how I'll be, in the years ahead on the hormone treatment. I think the whole BC experience will make me more compassionate & humble which is a good thing. But I do worry about the core me. Where has she gone? Will she come back? Will I recognise her if/when she does?
Four months ago my breast surgeon told me this experience would change me. I am still struggling with this.2 -
It is a process and it does take time. I would not say any of it is easy but some things are definitely harder than others. Yes, chemo was one of the hardest bits for me but so was finding a way forward to a different life after treatment (and with Tamoxifen, then ovary removal and Femara).
I learned to keep my eyes focused, mostly, on what was in front of me. Focusing too much on what had been or might have been was not helpful. Yes, my life was different but I soon learned that I could make it better or worse with my thoughts and actions.
Our life is never static. There are many things that push it one way or the other. But breast cancer really shoved me completely off the track. I don’t think, even 5 years later, that I am back on the freeway. But I have found a quieter road that feels more me than the freeway ever did!
Life after treatment for me was about energy. Treatment had drained even my reserve tanks and I found I had to adjust my way of doing things. I had to learn to look after me first. Now that is hard! I was so used to being there for everyone else. It felt selfish to put myself first but I soon realised that this was the only way to recover and ever truly be there for others again.
I learned about what gave me energy and what took it away. At first I had to focus mostly on being really kind and gentle with myself. I needed to rebuild the energy reserves so that life could feel in balance again.
I’m still working it all out but mostly I feel pretty happy with where I am and how I am now. It takes time. One step at a time. I have found a different but in many ways better me. Not easy but definitely worthwhile.
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That’s why I try and stick around on here @kmakm. I remember being told that most people survive breast cancer and go on to lead long, healthy lives. It was hard to believe that when I didn’t really know anyone who had. I always thought that should I be fortunate enough to get through and be one of those people, then I would pop my head in here and let people know it does happen. It must be especially difficult when your family has seen the worst of bc. Hugs xxx3
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My mother used to have a sentence on her fridge - life is what happens when you were making other plans. We say we don't like changes but we make lots of intentional changes in our life, some good, some bad. Cancer is a change that was forced upon us - but there are many on this site who have faced other changes they didn't choose either. I didn't like the thought of feeling broken when I got through chemo - not at 68, not at any time. A good counsellor helped me recognise that I was lucky - I didn't have anything really broken, my sense of invincibility was a bit dented and would benefit by thinking more about what I really wanted in my life and not by proving daily that I could do anything you threw at me. There is a difference. By and large I am happier and more balanced. I have a few things that aren't so good - my sex life isn't what it was (thanks femara!) but then neither my partner or I feel like wasting too much time on what we can't do, better to waste it on what we can! The prospect of dying five years ago terrified me - I have resolved that issue in my own mind, allowing me to support my mother in death in a way I could not have done before. I have faced some hard questions and got some answers that work for me. Would I have done that without cancer? Who knows. My life is what it is not what it might have been, and what might have been could have included not being here at all. One step at a time. This is not a fast process.1
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I hope to come out of the other side of this as balanced as some. If it had only been surgery, I suspect that would have been far more easily achievable. At the moment, chemo is doing it's best to break me and it's not even as if I've had terrible side effects. I'm just not living with it well. I've spent most of the last two days sleeping and I suspect I'll be dragging myself back to bed any moment.1
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Go back to bed and sleep @Sister. Do what your body tells you. One day soon chemo will be over and, as far as I can tell from many of the women here, you do forget. Three weeks ago I spent the week sobbing, every bloody day. It's gone now, in the past. You'll be right, hang in there xox1
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I hated it all the diagnosis the waiting then treatments , surgery chemo that i continued to be allergic to change Chemo again and again ... the inability to think straight A 5 month trip in chemo land turned into 9 months then Rads..... The isolation from the world.
Sister it tried to take me from me but I refused to allow that .... I fought back it has taken me over 4.5 yrs of fighting to reclaim who I am ... Just with no tits....
it has taken counselling and a support group who have said yes I have been there you will overcome that give it time...
so you will get through this roller coaster ride you didn't buy a ticket for and you will learn things from it...
Positives - my 2 boys with autism are more independent than they would be if I had not become so ill on chemo.... it has enabled me to push them more it the things they can do .... my youngest became the carer at 15 to us all ... joys of being divorced with no contact from ex. while she was doing her School certificate .... has it enabled her ... Yes she is in her 3rd year of Uni and has a maturity way beyond her years...
I now don't give a rat's arse what people think of my non reconstruction..a group I belonged to prior to surgery every one of them asked me the first time I returned to the group So when are you getting a reconstruction??? I was mortified none of them had been to visit me or check on me over nearly 15 months of hell. unfortunately the 5th person who asked me that night I told in no uncertain terms if she had a problem with me being flat go and see a psychologist because I had been thru enough already and was happy flat.
... I am alive and reclaiming my life day by day I have seen another nearly 6 years of my kids lives and I am a part of supporting those coming behind me diagnosed with BC
yes you are sidelined right now but what skills are your children and partner learning while you are like this?
answer - independence to be able to stand up and be resilient in the face of crisis.
Go gentle on yourself you will find you in time and I know you will lead those coming behind you out of this smog we have to go through. you do it already.
Hugs
Soldiercrab xxox3
It's much appreciated and I hope I can do the same one day. 
