Feeling lonely

Lillian67

I get that people don't know what to do or say. I know they probably feel like they have to give us space to deal with what's going on and I knew some people's reaction would be to pull away.
But I'm still surprised at the lack of connection. Do we really live in a world where it is ok to just text your own family about their cancer and not even pick up the phone to actually talk to them?
Im so hurt by family and friends who have done little more than reply on a Facebook post. They haven't called. Haven't tried to see me, offer help with my girls, dropped off soup, not even sent a freakin card.
Today it has me wondering if I've been the shitty friend. I feel very alone and wondering what I did wrong.

Mira

Hey Lillian, you didn't do anything wrong.  People react in different ways, maybe its made them think about their own circumstances.  Have you told your friends how you are feeling?  I know its hard but don't let it all get to you.  What they do (or don't do) says more about them than it does about you.

Afraser

I am constantly amazed by people who seem to never use their phone for talking. I am old school, face to face is better than phone, phone is good when you are too far away, letters are for reflective conversation, emails may be OK for that too. Texts are just quick - great for telling someone you are running late, not much good for any other sort of contact. In addition to people not knowing what to say or do (undoubtedly true in many cases), we sometimes don't ask. I agree, we shouldn't have to, but if we don't ask and they are holding back, paralysis sets in. Tell people you'd love them to drop by, ask someone if they can help with something. If they won't, then at least you know the extent of their friendship or care. But chances are, your ask may break the uncertainty. Best wishes.

JanineG

Hi Lillian I'm sorry you are having this rotten time. I had a similar experience myself until I reminded myself that I really didn't know what was going on inside other people's heads. I decided to swallow my pride pick up the phone myself and ask for help. The response was beautiful. The common responses were .. I just didn't know what to do or I thought you would need rest. People can be disappointing but the ones who step up are true Angels. Xxo

Harlee

I'll never forget how sad I was that my sister didn't call me after we told her about my cancer. A few weeks later part way through my chemo I received a package of scarves and beanies that she had knitted for me. I called her to thank her and she was so excited to speak to me. 
Apparently my mother had told everyone that I didn't want to talk about my cancer and so it would be best not to call!! Huh?? I had mentioned to mum that it was hard telling people because I had to keep reliving my shock and grief when they reacted to my news and she decided that I didn't want to talk to anyone. Hmmm... 
I was also surprised that an old friend seemed to be avoiding me but it wasn't until I mentioned this to another mutual friend that she commented that she was avoiding her too!! Opps - turned out that she had just discovered that her husband was having an affair which led to her marriage breaking up. 
Sometimes it not about you. 
Call you friends and family if you want to talk to them. Ask if you want someone to do something for you. It may be that they are trying to give you space or are worried about disturbing you or simply don't know what to do or say. 

Zoffiel

When this first happened to me ten years ago, I was really disappointed with a couple of friends who behaved like I had a contagious disease. This time round I have a better handle on what I can expect from the people around me.

It's infuriating to hear about how their lack of attention was all about how you made them feel.

They will tell you that they didn't know what to say, that they didn't want to bother you, that they couldn't stand to see you sick, that they had the flue/HIV/hepatitis. They have to leave the country, lost their phone for 6 months, lost your number, have sick parents in Iceland, were having an affair/trouble at work/renovating their house. Phhffft.

While all that is going on, people you may have underestimated or not known well will step up and surprise you. If someone who is just an acquaintance offers help, take it.

Critical illness does polarise people, it's not something you can do much about, apart from cultivating the people who are on your side.

TonyaM

Hi Lillian, I'm sorry to hear that you feel hurt and let down by family and friends.Texting and fb seems to be the way of communicating these days- very sad- especially when a loved one has cancer.In time you will forgive them but you won't forget.Could you join a local bc support group? I run one in the Hills area of Sydney.You won't feel so alone and ofcourse, you have your pink sisters here at the network to talk to.Big hug,xxx

Lillian67

Thanks ladies - think I was having a 'feeling sorry for myself' moment. Bone pain set in big time and my girls were going crazy, hubby is over tired and I had the guilts about not contributing to the running of the day. 
I reached out to a group of mums and asked for a play date for my girls and most said yes. Hopefully the weather holds and we meet up. Will be a good opportunity for my girls to get out and also to chat with the Mums about what's going on.
realised a good friend called today and I missed it, so will definitely set some time to call her back tomorrow.
Some people just plain suck but I need to focus on those who don't

socoda

Hey @Lillian67, perhaps you could elaborate on your Facebook page and post in a light hearted manner that No your not contagious, Yes you would love to be visited but perhaps a phone call prior to a visit to ensure you are well enough to receive visitors would be appreciated  - I think family and friends also go into shock and while we don't really have the luxury of staying in that state of shock ourselves due to the speed and necessity of surgeries and treatment our families and friends can take longer to come to terms with us having BC because they feel so helpless. Perhaps you could post this link http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/categories/supporting-someone-with-breast-cancer to let them know its okay to broach the subject and give offers if assistance. Last but not least, a huge virtual hug, you are most certainly not alone and we are here for you. Xx Cath

fairydust

Lillian67 I seem to have the same problem. In the year of my cancer I have spoken to my sister inlaw once. My  mother in law twice.. My husband communicates with his family.  The could ask to speak with me.The one phone call I had with my sister in law she said she thought about me everyday???!!!!not a card flowers present a call big zero.
 There has not been a family drama or major problem. I am praised by my sister in law and mother in law for the help and assistance I have given them in the past. I did get a birthday card recently April is my birthday month and also last year when I found my cancer.Nothing before then.
My inlaws live an hour and a half from melbourne,havent visited. It hurts. My husband needs support too.

au0rei

Lillian67 said:

I get that people don't know what to do or say. I know they probably feel like they have to give us space to deal with what's going on and I knew some people's reaction would be to pull away.
But I'm still surprised at the lack of connection. Do we really live in a world where it is ok to just text your own family about their cancer and not even pick up the phone to actually talk to them?
Im so hurt by family and friends who have done little more than reply on a Facebook post. They haven't called. Haven't tried to see me, offer help with my girls, dropped off soup, not even sent a freakin card.
Today it has me wondering if I've been the shitty friend. I feel very alone and wondering what I did wrong.

I feel sorry for what you are feeling and I know your feelings are very real. My family members have been really supportive, even Dad who's really aloof showed me concern right at diagnosis (He lives overseas so it's hard). Mum flew over and has been helping with my boys and chores and support me in every way I am so grateful. My brother has been an angel as well texting me almost every day and he lives overseas as well. My sister on the other hand has never shown much concern whatsoever, so i perfectly understand you, not even an email, not even a text message. Once she sent me a photo of her daughter's childcare centre being smashed by a car reversing in, not a word on how I am coping with BC and treatment... haha go figure...some people.

I guess we really have to know who is really the supportive ones and choose to bid those who are goodbye. No hard feelings, let's forgive them let's not let them ruin our moods or our sleep or our health. Going through this journey really does help me see who truly care for me. I am shocked to see some friends whom i deemed as friends since teenage years are actually not my friends! And some friends who I did not expect would care for me actually cared. I have since stopped connecting with a few of them as they honestly don't care. It is better off this way. I need to be among people who truly care for me right now.

Take care of yourself. xxx

melclarity

Lillian you are experiencing exactly what all of us have. Ive lost lots of friends the past 6yrs through 2 diagnosis. What i learnt was they do not know what to say and have no clue how to help and some dont want to know about it. I got little support when i give others so much, i found being the strong one they forget you!! But new people will surprise you the ones you least expected youll see!! Its such an irony but so common.  Know we are here and we get it!! Youre not alone hugs Melinda xo

wendy_h67

I really do agree, that texting is not on especially from family members. It would be nice to have a chat on the phone especially from my son and daughter sometimes. I guess their lives are so busy. At least I know they must be coping okay with my diagnosis.  I have had metastic breast cancer now for 5years and been reasonable well. I guess they think that mum will live forever. Oh well enough complaining. My very good friend who lost her daughter to cancer last year, has asked my husband and I around for morning tea. She always keeps in contact with me.

nikkid

As the girls have all said, we have all experienced similar things Lillian - from my perspective, one of my best best closest grilfriends only saw me once last year after I had my mastectomy. When I tried to make contact and asked for us to meet up so we could talk about what might have happened between us (I think she was somehow offended by something I'd done....but tbh I reckon cancer trumps offence grrrrrr). Three times she cancelled. So, I had to give up - I deleted her from my contacts and Instagram (my teenage sons told me that was a big move) and I have resolved no longer to harbour the anger and disappointment she was making me feel, or I was letting her make me feel. I have let her go.

They say that you shed and gain friends every 10 years...I shed her, but certainly gained more and the quality of the friends I now have is beyond belief: authentic, genuine, caring, loving, supportive.

You know, It's amazing to be able to tell a girlfriend that you really do love and appreciate them.

I have vowed not to leave anything unsaid any more.

So, we do understand how you feel. That's just the way of it. You've had plenty of sound advice from others here so I won't give you any, other than to say I hope you feel enmeshed in the hugs and warmth we are surrounding you with...and hope you're not feeling as lonely any more 

Nikki xxxxxx

Brenda5

Nup its not your fault. Goodness me, I did daily updates of my chemo treatment and all some of my family put was 'like' yet acquaintances and friends on my face book put very inspiring comments. I did sort of wonder if I had died would those family 'likers' even bother attending my funeral lol. Stick to this forum and you can't go wrong.

primek

@Brenda5 ...yup I get the like button a lot to from family. I often wondered what there was to like.