Husband not coping

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melphilp
melphilp Member Posts: 42
edited September 2016 in Supporting someone with breast cancer

I am not coping with my husband not coping!! He has become really angry and refuses to talk to me about things. He says I am putting far too much pressure on him and the kids but I don't understand how. He told me to back off. He has started swearing at me in front of the kids which is really not like him at all. He is suffering from depression after an accident 5 years ago.He has a broken kneecap which has developed into avascular necrosis. He is in constant pain and I am trying very hard to help him. I have been investigating him going to a pain clinic and have also been sending emails to the USA to see if I can get him some help - the surgeons in Australia say there is no help for him. He doesn't see that I am trying to help him.

I need to concentrate on myself to get better and he is just putting so much extra stress on me. He told me last night that my disease is curable and his isn't!! I am worried about getting through the treatment and how it is making me feel so out of control. I will then be worried about  the cancer coming back!!  

So, feeling very lonely and unloved at the moment!!

 

 

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  • TonyaM
    TonyaM Member Posts: 2,836 ✭
    edited March 2015
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    Hi Mel,

    Having breast cancer is not like any ordinary operation where you have it and then get better.It affects you on every level-physically,emotionally,sexually and you have ongoing treatments.I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer so it can come back.I have also had to have 3 operations for a broken ankle over the last few years.I have been left with pain and stiffness but I'm not going to die from it.I'm sure you've been a great support to your husband but now it's your turn.If he is not strong enough(physically and mentally)to help you through this then you need to find someone who can ie.other family members,friends. Do you think his pain medication is making him agro?If it's your b cancer situation then maybe he just needs a bit of time to process it.But you need to look after yourself now.

                                         Tonya

  • hippyviv
    hippyviv Member Posts: 64
    edited March 2015
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    I am so sorry to hear your story. I was feeling quite deppressed this morning and quite selfish for feeling so, then I read your blog. I feel for you so much. We need support at this time and to have our cancer and how we are feeling minimised in such a way would not validate us at all. I would suggest that you try to take a step back from what your partner is saying to you. Try to focus on you and let him deal with his issues. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and if you cant get help from elsewhere you need to give it to yourself. Come on here whenever you are feeling alone because you very deffinitely are not alone. We are all here to help you with how you are feeling and give you the support that you need. Things will get better for you. I dont belive we are ever in this darkish place for too long there is always light at the end of the tunnel louise and we on this site will provide that for you till you no longer need it. Take care and let me know how you are going please. Hugs to you and good thoughts XX Viv

  • melphilp
    melphilp Member Posts: 42
    edited March 2015
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    Thank you ladies for your wonderful replies. I am not usually one for pouring out my problems on the internet but it was a very therapeudic thing to do! My husband has gone away for a week with one of our foster kids and this is probably a good thing at the moment.  Thank you so much for taking the time out to make a difference to my life. xxxx

  • donnaelizabeth
    donnaelizabeth Member Posts: 13 ✭
    edited March 2015
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    Hi Mel,

    In my own experience cancer treatment was scary for all of us in the family. Stress anxiety fatigue change in roles all added up to a hard time. I felt I was losing the relationship we had, even afraid he couldn't put up with me any more. For years we hadn't voiced our feelings and fears to each other. Soon after  chemo, I was offered sessions with a qualified counsillor at the local public hospital for my own sanity. The main lesson I learnt from that was; feelings are not necessarily reality, feelings of anxiety do not equal who I really am.

  • melphilp
    melphilp Member Posts: 42
    edited March 2015
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    Hi Donna,

    Thanks for your reply. I think the whole cancer thing has made all sorts of issues come to the fore. I am organising for us to go to a counsellor very soon and hopefully that will help. This is such a stressul time for the whole family and hopefully we will make it through in one piece! I start radiation next week then its all over!!

    Thanks again,

    Mel

     

  • melphilp
    melphilp Member Posts: 42
    edited March 2015
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    Hi Donna,

    Thanks for your reply. I think the whole cancer thing has made all sorts of issues come to the fore. I am organising for us to go to a counsellor very soon and hopefully that will help. This is such a stressul time for the whole family and hopefully we will make it through in one piece! I start radiation next week then its all over!!

    Thanks again,

    Mel

     

  • susieFA
    susieFA Member Posts: 66
    edited March 2015
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    you got online and shared your anxiety.  It is so important to be able to vent and we are perhaps the people who understand the most.  Men are different animals - they are "fixers" and can get frustrated, angry and depressed when faced with a situation they are unable to fix.  I am so sorry that you are going through so much, you are definitely not alone.  Please try not to take his situation on board right now - you have alot to deal with and your defences are down in front of his anger. Stay strong and use the network while you work out how to cope.

    :)

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