My Story
Hi everyone my name is Clayton.I was married for 23 years got divorced and then met my new partner.After 12 months into the relationship she found a lump on her right breast.Then with 5 surgeries, numerous radition treatments and heaps of chemo she passed away in Jan of this year.With 4 years of being a full time carer I understand the strain that it puts on family and friends.What I am trying to do now is start up a support group for men with wives or partners that are going down the cancer road.If anyone can give me some advice or help on this would be greatly appreicated.
Comments
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Hi Clayton, What a wonderful thing to do. From my experience, men find it difficult to cope with their loved one's diagnosis. When I was first diagnosed 4.5 years the first thing my then partner (now husband) said "I'm the breadwinner" and put himself totally into earning more. This was really funny as my insurances had us covered - but that was how he decided he was going to cope. This time around he has been the "worry wart" as he has his own medical condition now as well (hopefully it is only short-term). I know that I try to stay very positive and "normal" so that he does not feel under any more pressure. He is my huge support but he finds it difficult due to the fact that normally I am the one in total control of everything re the household. Little by little I am trying to teach him things (household finances etc) and giving him more control over things so that he has the confidence to "get out of his comfort zone". On the emotional side he can be very overprotective of me to the point of not letting me "know what I can do". He hates to see me do too much and fall in a heap but what the heck I enjoy it whilst I am doing it. Probably what I am trying to say to you is this - if you can get a support group together the men would need to open up about their situation (you men don't like to do this). By talking about your own situations I'm certain that there would be so much common ground - like the things that I have listed above. You guys are smart and could figure out ways to deal with the issues. Us BC survivors need love and support but also need our own indivuality maintained. I hope to live for a long time but when things looked quite bad for me, my husband always dismissed the worst scenerio. Also men seem to like to be a bit "distracted". From a woman's point of view I think that a Support Group would also have to incorporate some other activity ie a touch team/fishing group/walking group to keep the blokes connected. I hope this makes sense and is helpful to you. Good luck with your endeavour. XLeonie
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Hi Clayton, What a wonderful thing to do. From my experience, men find it difficult to cope with their loved one's diagnosis. When I was first diagnosed 4.5 years the first thing my then partner (now husband) said "I'm the breadwinner" and put himself totally into earning more. This was really funny as my insurances had us covered - but that was how he decided he was going to cope. This time around he has been the "worry wart" as he has his own medical condition now as well (hopefully it is only short-term). I know that I try to stay very positive and "normal" so that he does not feel under any more pressure. He is my huge support but he finds it difficult due to the fact that normally I am the one in total control of everything re the household. Little by little I am trying to teach him things (household finances etc) and giving him more control over things so that he has the confidence to "get out of his comfort zone". On the emotional side he can be very overprotective of me to the point of not letting me "know what I can do". He hates to see me do too much and fall in a heap but what the heck I enjoy it whilst I am doing it. Probably what I am trying to say to you is this - if you can get a support group together the men would need to open up about their situation (you men don't like to do this). By talking about your own situations I'm certain that there would be so much common ground - like the things that I have listed above. You guys are smart and could figure out ways to deal with the issues. Us BC survivors need love and support but also need our own indivuality maintained. I hope to live for a long time but when things looked quite bad for me, my husband always dismissed the worst scenerio. Also men seem to like to be a bit "distracted". From a woman's point of view I think that a Support Group would also have to incorporate some other activity ie a touch team/fishing group/walking group to keep the blokes connected. I hope this makes sense and is helpful to you. Good luck with your endeavour. XLeonie
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Thanks Leonie for the quick response.And yes you are right men tend to not know how to feel or deal with the issues in front of them regarding their partners.What I am doing over the next few weeks is going along to as many as possible support group meetings so I can talk to the ladies first hand to hear what they have to say about it.One of my main concerns is that it seems to always cause a relationship to breakdown, so this is just another reason for the group.I think the more people I talk too the better feel I will have as to how I can help them.Also looking at doing a Diploma in Counselling at TAFE as I have no qualifactions in this field except that I lived,loved and nursed a breast cancer sufferer.
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Hi Clayton
Firstly, sorry for your loss.
Secondly, pfft to no qualifications, you have lived, loved and nursed. they are the best qualifications of all and good on you for doing this.. Sadly our men take a back seat to the wohen going through it.
Was only thinking the other day how great it would be if all our breast care nurses were BC patients at one stage and they would know what we were feeling, so the same goes for your new position. The wonderful experience you can bring to this role.
Good on you.
Tanya
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Hi Clayton I perhaps have a longer history as carer than you and I am sorry for your wife to pass away from cancer. I still insist cancer not bc once bc becomes a secondary it is not longer bc (for statistical reference and purposes only). men that choose to be carers face two strong barriers.
If one takes interest on the subject often people in the role of carers are perceived as putting up obstacles on the way to the medical profession. Too many questions, buts and ifs, expectations and life expectations and prognosis privy to treating doctors etd. I was there too arguing with oncologist about the variations, drugs, radiation therapies cycles you name it.
On the other hand many women perceived bc as women's only concern perhaps a natural barrier I do not know why is that I can't answer that question/problem myself.naturally they seem to find more empathy with other women rather than men. As I was repeatedly told is a woman thing and many prefer to keep it that way. Others do not even bother to join sites like this they prefer to suffer in silence and within family cultural circuits of their own mainly ethnics
Personally it has been a fourteen years battle with a four time cancers each one worst that the one before yet my wife proved to be very tough to break down and wittle away into oblivion even when she has been in palliative care hands twice before.
Now my wife in the good care of a professor who is not even clear in his own mind of the kind of operation the other professor has done to keep my wife alive so she is in the lap of God to decide for the rest of her life.
I do not know what state you are from but if in Vic I'll join you in the project if you accept me. I love your courage and initiative I hope you'll get support and funding for this venture.
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Hi Richard, Thanks for your comments and my heart goes out to you and your wife hoping all goes well for her.Firstly I live in Brisbane,so if any advice or help you can give via this site would be greatly appreciated.I have made many inquiries to numerous groups all giving me great advice.So at the moment I am involved in the Moreton Regional Breast Cancer Support Group which is run by a large group of women.My plan at present is to stay with them and go to all their meetings and fund raisers so that the women may pass on to their other halves that I am there, it may encourage them along too.Also waiting for the Qld Cancer Council to reply to me about becoming a volunteer in some of their support groups.I think the more noise I make the more men will come out of the woodwork lol.
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Hi clayton
If you need any help please let me know as I was in one of my previous jobs and Exec Officer for a NPO and stilll loking forward to rejoin the workforce anytime from now.
There are quite important issues to discuss perhaps you I can give you some ideas or pointers just ask. It is not my intention to iterrupt your path but try to help along if I may.
Clayton,
My wife does not even want to recall her past experiences she is tough but her past condition has caught up with her and stops her short of doing lots of things she was keen on doing before. She is apicture of health on the surfice however cancer has taken its tall. She is seen every six months by an professor so far nothing which in itself is good news
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