Wanting to tell the world to f**k off
I've been quiet here as I have been going through my treatment and dealing with ongoing crap from people I sometimes have the misfortune with dealing with.
Status - since being diagnosed on 7 July 2015, undergoing a lumpectomy in August & second shaving with chemo port in September, I've completed my first 12 weeks of chemo with doxorubicin and cyclophosphamide end of November and am coming up to the half way mark of paclitaxel which means my third of a year long dose of Herceptin will be taking place on Tuesday.
Up until now, I think I have been in a state of semi-denial, pushing myself with usual obligations and commitments, putting up a front that I am okay and attempting to continue with life as "normal", perceiving this time that my doctor has declared me as being "unfit for work" as a "break" and opportunity to retrain having been made redundant as opposed to me actually being "sick" - now that the first cycle of drugs has finished, I no longer feel sick.
Anyhow, the other week a rather self-centred narcissistic piece of work that I have the misfortune of knowing commented on my FB age under a comment I made about feeling the need of having to the "play the cancer card" with dealing with governmental red tape described cancer as "a bit like life" whilst someone else made a passing comment that "we all have problems".
Whilst I've never thought to project my illness over and above anyone else's such comments have sent me in a spiral added to the realisation that my friends, my support network appear to have abandoned me over the last few months. I appreciate that Xmas time is busy etc however no one seems to call anymore, sends me messages, even offers for assistance seem to have dried up. I guess 7 months down the track of attempting to project that I am Superwoman has resulted in this.
Now with the emotional effects of chemo starting to mount up, I am finding myself cancelling the few visits I am getting as I am wanting to crawl deep into my cave. All the big plans I made last year I have lost interest in.
Is this chemo induced depression? For someone who has always been in control of their life, I am starting to feel like I am failing.
Comments
-
Goodness, let it all out! Friends and family become busy in their own lives and don't realise that you have a need for some TLC. Please search this site and find yourself a support service in your area and perhaps a visit to the GP as well as.
Have you spoilt yourself yet with the Look Good, Feel Better program? It is available to all of us - just google and see where the nearest is to you.
Take care, sending you hugs
Christine xx
0 -
Hey there. You have to go through this crappy journey to truly understand and appreciate what we go through. I had friends which completely stayed away others showed interest for a while and others say all the wrong stuff. In the end i relied on my inner strength to get through it all. And dont forget there are always friends here who truly understand you.
Try retail therapy always great pick me up for me.
Take care and sending big hugs and positiveness your way.??
Maryrose
0 -
I love you already I did tell people to fu-- of and it felt damn good, unfortunately no one understands cancer like a person who has gone through it, honestly they have no idea sometimes I just wanted to scream at some friends , but you know it does pass and yes if your the type of person join a support group, its the best feeling to meet and sit with others who know exactly how you feel. I run a support group and believe me we have a bitch and a ball. and blog on here nothing better than getting a response. regards adean x
0 -
I am really lucky so far. Pretty much all my online friends are really good and understanding. You get the odd one with some wizz bang new cancer cure but they aren't pushy or anything so I just thank them and leave it at that.
Good tip on seeing the GP but I think my chemo team actually has a specialist section for depression so if the GP isn't really helpful it may be because he thinks you should see the experts rather than him just jotting down some prescription willy nilly.
Don't forget your cancer breast nurse, the McGrath one either. She should be able to have a good chat and be a bit of a sounding board. Costs you nothing and might really clear the air for you.
I do have some friends who aren't the greatest and their colours are showing with the word Cancer, they go all twitchy and odd and want to push on you all the cancer cures in the world, drop around any old time when you are feeling crap and get all bent out when I say I am fine thanks and leave it at that.
You cant pick your family either and sometimes they fail you. No ones perfect I guess and its a bit of a hard road as this cancer seems to occupy so much of my life atm. Stick your good friends and family or even spend a bit of quiet time with just you. Get them Energizer batteries of yours rested and recharged and even refocussed. Be patient! I know that's my bugbear, I want to be fixed, better and on with my life and I want it now. Patience grasshopper.
0 -
Hi Lunanoire,
there's nothing wrong with hiding from the world when you need time out. It hurts when those you expected to be there for you just don't get how you are feeling. I gave up telling even close friends & family how I'm really feeling, got sick of watching their eyes glaze over and the insensitive attempts at "I know how you feel, I've got diarrhoea/ a cold/ terminal man flu." Some people don't know what to say and a lot of people get compassion fatigue - what! Are you still sick?
I do think it's important that you get the help you need, that doesn't mean you are failing, only that you are human. The suggestions for talking to your GP or a Support group are good ideas. There are also cancer counsellors that you can talk to either over the phone or face to face. You can reach them through your breast care nurse or local Cancer Council. And hey, we are always here for you, and we're all going through the same thing. Know that we care about you, Tracey ??
0 -
0 -
LOVE IT !! Trust cats to demonstrate just how you are feeling !
Great photo. Purrfect.
Keep yelling - you will get past it with the love of your furry friends.
Summer :-)
0 -
Love the heart pattern on its side. How do you post up pics? Code me.
0 -
Just save to your iPad then when you put up post hit the camera in comment box it then comes up as choose image or file xx
0 -
Hi there
Dare I say, but people are idiots! Some of the dumb things that people say are amazing. People have no idea on what to say or do. Having gone through this process and come out the other side, I don't think you can truly appreciate what impact bc has on a person unless you have been there. In my experience, if you try to keep things normal, people don't think you need help or support. I used to say about pulling the cancer card as a joke until my brother said to me "if you can't pull the cancer card when you've got bloody cancer, then when can you?" I do agree that people get support fatigue or they simply think you are managing. It sounds ridiculous but you need to verbalise what you need all of the time. You aren't failing. It those around you who have failed you. You are dealing with a life threatening illness. It's like we deal with post traumatic stress. Definitely see your gp and see if you can get into a counsellor. And don't hold back telling people where to go of that's what you need to do. It is so disappointing when the people you thought cared about you drop the ball whilst you are battling through this. Hang in there. Karen xox
0
