Resentment
Hi all, well it's been 6 months since I finished cancer treatment but I am still undergoing rituximab infusions for another chronic illness that I have sufferred for 8 years. Throughout my cancer treatment my immediate family were less than supportive. I continued to work part time throughout 6 months of chemo, 33 radiotherapy sessions and 12 months of herceptin that made me ill. I honestly don't know how I managed. My brother and 2 girlfriends supported me with hospital visits, meals and just being there for me but as far as the running of the house, the housework, shopping and at least 4 meals a week, that was left to me. I got the sack 3 months before my treatment finished but managed to get a part time job 3 days a week 3 weeks later. I have been here ever since. I was working as a manager and am now just doing accounts so my wages have dropped substantially and although we are surviving it is only just. My mother in law and husband have been making rude remarks about the state of my house. I'm not the greatest house keeper but I do try. Everything is done at least once a week. My husband has also started making rumbles about the fact that I only work part time. I still suffer lymphodeama, damage to my vestibular system that causes dizziness and loss of balance, the soles of my feet hurt and I'm tired. I feel old and like a wrung out rag most of the time and I am only 50! My AIP has flared so I , have constant pain and stomach problems from that also.
Well this morning my husband piped up in front of my son and his girlfriend that it's about time I went back to full time work. So far this weekend I have done 4 loads of washing, cleaned the toilets and the bathrooms, washed the floors, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the laundry (including wiping down all of the cupboards in the kitchen and laundry), pulled down the Christmas tree, mowed and whipper snippered the back lawns done the dishes and cooked Friday nights meal. He has vacuumed. My sons have socialised. I'm am ssssoooo angry and resentful. After my son and his girlfriend left I told my husband never to speak to me like that again and that I'm taking the time I need to heal and that in the 23 years we have been together I have only had 12 months where I haven't helped support this family financially, including whilst I was being treated for cancer. I will go back to full time work if and when I feel able. How dare he!!! How dare any of them!! they don't get it. I have to go in for an infusion on Wednesday and he told me to stop whinging when I said I didn't want to go. His other comment was when does it ever end? Well guess what buddy for me it never does. He also told me that I should stop seeing doctors as they only find things wrong. Well guess what? If I didn't see doctors, I would be dead by now. I'm on 41 tablets a day to be able to function. If he can't get it when I had cancer, how's he ever going to get it now? They all think that treatment has finished so I'm fine but I am so far from fine it's not funny. I'm sitting here crying and I just had to get it off my chest as there is no one I can talk to about it. I'm so sick of every single day being a struggle. I'm so sick of always feeling like crap and just so tired that all I want to do is go to bed. I should be feeling fantastic that I've beaten cancer and happy that it's over but I don't. I feel defeated, I've lost my confidence, I feel lost. I try so hard to be positive but I'm scared. I'm scared of it coming back, I'm scared of what will happen to me and who will look after me if I can't look after myself because they have already proven that they won't. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and sons but they can't or won't look after me when I need them to and it hurts. I hate my new normal. I've never had to rely on anyone before but I don't feel like I can even rely on me anymore. Sorry guys, I know that so many of you are going through a rough time with diagnosis and treatments but some days it just gets the better of me and this is one of them days.
Karen xox
Comments
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Wow, you have a lot of balls up in the air and it just isn't possible to juggle them forever. It has only been 6mths, how are you supposed to have really worked out what the your normal is? When I was diagnosed and before my GP handed me over to the merry go round of specialists, he sat me down and stressed that he did not want me returning to my previous high pressure life for at least 12 months after all of my treatment was finished as he believed we need to give ourselves ample amount of time to heal physically and emotionally without the constant medical appoints and interventions. At the time I had no idea what I was in for and kind of rolled my eyes at him but reading your post and the other treatment stories we all now get where he was coming from. I don't know your situation other than a vent at a vulnerable moment but I think I would have thrown a few major tantrums by now and demanded that the family step up. As uncomfortable as it might be at home for a little while you may need to use some tough love and set some ground rules, you are finding a new normal and you might need to insist your family also compromise to make this new normal a little manageable. Next time anyone makes comments about the state of the house say thanks for noticing I'm struggling, here is the duster, vacuum, and/or mop, that would be a big help. Hugs x We get it, but only you can change it. Jen
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Hi Karen,
This never seems to end! I understand how you feel its just sooo frustrating to need help and feel like you are not you. I have had 6 months of chemo, surgery and about to begin 5 weeks of radiotherapy. Thankfully i have had stored sick leave but still feel like im not contributing.On reading your post i spoke to my husband(hope you dont mind) who suggested that maybe your husband is not coping with the new normal and feels guilty for feeling that way (insight for me). Might be good timing for some outside support. An objective view point often adds clarity. Thank you for the post as i now know what my own husband is feeling and thinking.
Take care
Wendy x
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Hi Wendy
Im glad you were able to speak to your husband. I know my husband has not coped the whole way along. He has only just in the last few months been able to verbalise that he has been a basket case. That's about as much as you get out of him but at least he will talk about it. I've had counselling but he has refused to go. He's a tough bloke, he doesn't need it! The counsellor has told me to just focus on me which is all well and good but it doesn't deal with the resentment that bubbles away. I feel as though bc has changed everything in my life but nothing has changed in theirs. I will be fine. I will get through this rough patch and be back to my normal positive self. Just hope I don't need bail money in between times. Karen xox
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Thanks Jen,
there have been a number of major tantrums over the last 16 months and they all pick up their socks for a week or two before everything goes back to normal. They just don't get that I'm not "normal" anymore. I guess because I have always pushed through pain and illness that they don't get that I can't do that this time. Gee I struggle realising that I can't do that anymore! Things are uncomfortable now as I can barely speak to my husband as I am so damn angry. Things will settle down and I will be fine. Just been a really crap few days. Thanks again. Karen xox
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You poor thing. I'm so sorry Karen that you are so upset and sad but gosh you have all the right in the world! When I read the part where your hubby asked "when does it ever end?" my stomach turned upside down and my throat closed up from feeling your frustration at the hurtful words. This NEVER ends for us, you have no choice in any of what's come your way. Sure we have a choice on how we react but gosh, it is so upsetting when the ones that are closest to you are the ones that really don't get it. I am so sorry that you feel so alone, but you are never ever alone here with us. We all GET it! we all appreciate what it means to go through the mental, physical and emotional changes that is cancer and that this takes time meaning many changes, many phases, many fears, many uncertainties. It is the 'for worse' part we said yes to in our marriage vows. I fully agree with Jaycia02's comments, about setting some ground rules for the family to step up. We just can't do it all on our own. Take care of yourself, allow yourself healing time and ask them for their practical support while you adjust to life. Hope you feel better soon. Virtual hugs xxx
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Hi, it sounds like what you are going through is really tough. I hope since then it has improved. Of course you love your family but you need more support from them. Unfortunately many people take advantage of a person who works very hard for them. It's lovely for them to have that person who works so hard for them and they don't easily step up and take over from them. In my experience one way to get people to step up is to stop doing things for them. Leave their washing unwashed is a good plan. Leave the house messy and dirty. Put yourself first without asking for their permission. Hopefully they will get the message and do more. I can't guarantee it will work but think it worth a try. Good luck and best wishes.
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