Resentment
Hi all, well it's been 6 months since I finished cancer treatment but I am still undergoing rituximab infusions for another chronic illness that I have sufferred for 8 years. Throughout my cancer treatment my immediate family were less than supportive. I continued to work part time throughout 6 months of chemo, 33 radiotherapy sessions and 12 months of herceptin that made me ill. I honestly don't know how I managed. My brother and 2 girlfriends supported me with hospital visits, meals and just being there for me but as far as the running of the house, the housework, shopping and at least 4 meals a week, that was left to me. I got the sack 3 months before my treatment finished but managed to get a part time job 3 days a week 3 weeks later. I have been here ever since. I was working as a manager and am now just doing accounts so my wages have dropped substantially and although we are surviving it is only just. My mother in law and husband have been making rude remarks about the state of my house. I'm not the greatest house keeper but I do try. Everything is done at least once a week. My husband has also started making rumbles about the fact that I only work part time. I still suffer lymphodeama, damage to my vestibular system that causes dizziness and loss of balance, the soles of my feet hurt and I'm tired. I feel old and like a wrung out rag most of the time and I am only 50! My AIP has flared so I , have constant pain and stomach problems from that also.
Well this morning my husband piped up in front of my son and his girlfriend that it's about time I went back to full time work. So far this weekend I have done 4 loads of washing, cleaned the toilets and the bathrooms, washed the floors, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the laundry (including wiping down all of the cupboards in the kitchen and laundry), pulled down the Christmas tree, mowed and whipper snippered the back lawns done the dishes and cooked Friday nights meal. He has vacuumed. My sons have socialised. I'm am ssssoooo angry and resentful. After my son and his girlfriend left I told my husband never to speak to me like that again and that I'm taking the time I need to heal and that in the 23 years we have been together I have only had 12 months where I haven't helped support this family financially, including whilst I was being treated for cancer. I will go back to full time work if and when I feel able. How dare he!!! How dare any of them!! they don't get it. I have to go in for an infusion on Wednesday and he told me to stop whinging when I said I didn't want to go. His other comment was when does it ever end? Well guess what buddy for me it never does. He also told me that I should stop seeing doctors as they only find things wrong. Well guess what? If I didn't see doctors, I would be dead by now. I'm on 41 tablets a day to be able to function. If he can't get it when I had cancer, how's he ever going to get it now? They all think that treatment has finished so I'm fine but I am so far from fine it's not funny. I'm sitting here crying and I just had to get it off my chest as there is no one I can talk to about it. I'm so sick of every single day being a struggle. I'm so sick of always feeling like crap and just so tired that all I want to do is go to bed. I should be feeling fantastic that I've beaten cancer and happy that it's over but I don't. I feel defeated, I've lost my confidence, I feel lost. I try so hard to be positive but I'm scared. I'm scared of it coming back, I'm scared of what will happen to me and who will look after me if I can't look after myself because they have already proven that they won't. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and sons but they can't or won't look after me when I need them to and it hurts. I hate my new normal. I've never had to rely on anyone before but I don't feel like I can even rely on me anymore. Sorry guys, I know that so many of you are going through a rough time with diagnosis and treatments but some days it just gets the better of me and this is one of them days.
Karen xox
