Aftermath
Hi Everyone
Sorry but I need to vent. So I finished treatment 12 weeks ago. So we should be relieved. We should be happy it's over. Right? So why are we falling apart? I'm sure hubby has post traumatic stress. I have so much pent up resentment at him and my youngest son for their lack of support over my treatment. I realise now just how sick I have been. I can't believe that I managed to work part time the whole way through. I'm angry that I felt I had to work, particularly through chemo. If the roles were reversed I would have got a second job so that he didn't have to work. I can barely speak to my younger son without wanting to push his selfish little face in. He is a good kid but just oh so selfish. As most 19 year olds the world revolves around him and him alone. Everyone expects me to be back to normal but I'm so far from it. I still struggle with fatigue, pain and being uncomfortable from lymphodeama. Every part of my life has changed yet their lives are pretty much the same. I've seen a counsellor, I've talked to them about it but it hasn't helped. I am able to push it down for so long and then something happens and it all comes exploding out of me. I know they love me but they don't care about me, if that makes sense. If it wasn't for my brother and 2 girlfriends, I just don't know how I would have gotten through. I just don't know how to get past this. I'm not sure I want to as I feel so let down by them. I have no patience for any of this anymore. When is it ever going to be over?
Karen
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Xxx hugs u just helped me I know what u r saying xxx
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Aw Karen,I am so sorry for your pain,and I can actually understand it.For me it wasn't EXACTLY the same,but all through treatment,I did pretty well.Im sure that my family felt as though I was ok,a lot of the time,when actually I was just doing what I always do,and that is' sucking it up and getting on with it' as I have NEVER been one to ask for ,or accept help.Not from anyone!! I guess you could say I am my own worst enemy! Karen,I believe that when we finish treatment,we actually have parts of our life that change forever.We think differently,and we see others in a different light.Over time,some of these feelings definitely fade,I can tell you;but some don't.I think it's a matter of sorting out what you want in your life and what you don't.You need to tell your husband and son how you feel.Even if it makes no difference,you still need to tell them.YOU matter!!! If you can't say it,then write them a letter:):) Take care of yourself Karen.Stay in touch.Cheers Robyn xox
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Oh Karen I read this and thought oh my god someone else feels the same way. They just don't get it, as women we always put everyone ahead of us and just suck it up and get on with it. My husband was very supportive during treatment but now he thinks I'm well. He dosen't understand how tired Iam working fulltime and trying to keep the house and our lives moving forward. He was retrenched while I was having treatment and I understand his greif, but get over it I have had cancer, he dosen't get it.
Our lives are changed forever, all I want is some sort of normal where I'm not so exhausted and these hot flushes would let me sleep the night. Another day off to work I go to care for others, I hope your day goes well and you cope with the heat, take carexx
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Hi Karen
I think all ladies with BC have been where you are. Men are certainly made differently to us - women who are more natural carers, we tend to think more about others, we get on with the job and we definitely have more common sense.
Yep, teenagers are selfish critters - and your son is just a clone of what your husband demonstrates to him.
As RobynW said, YOU matter. If your counsellor did not seem to help, please go to another who may just hit the right spot for you. Don't forget, they can read their books but they still have not walked in your shoes.
Me - I have written a letter to my hubby. Not that he has received it but, like venting on this website, it has helped me to gather my thoughts and work through a few strategies for me.
Like most of us gals, I am the strong one and he has fallen apart 12 months down the track - 'cause he does not like the look of the 'new' me. Get over it or get moving, I say !
Anyway, take some time for yourself but please don't bottle your feelings for too long - get them out in the open.
Hope this helps - big hugs
Summer :-)
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Hi Karen, I recognise these feelings so well, especially in the first few months after I'd finished treatment. During treatment I was so exhausted and concentrating on just getting through each day to really process much of what was happening, but once I'd stopped I started to realise just how much of a toll bc had had on me, my body, our finances and our lives. I got angry and resentful and I was completely unable to make any plans or think ahead too far. I understand now that this is pretty normal and that avalanche of fear about my future that I'd been keeping at bay (and making sure that everyone else was OK too) during treatment had to come out somehow. I keep a private diary / notepad to let out all those feelings when it gets too much and sometimes there's nothing better than whacking a few pillows or going for a long stompy walk:-)
Karen, it is still early days for you since finishing treatment and one thing I have learnt is that it takes quite some time before our minds catch up with the trauma that's happened and can start to process and heal. This is the bit that most friends and family don't get. Good on you for venting here, it's a positive way to get those feelings out and as you can see from the responses, they are feelings that we can all relate to in some way. Jane xx
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I have felt similar to you throughout my treatment, only I just get angry and yell crazy things (and apologise afterwards).
My theory is that it is a grieving process.
I googled ways to cope and Google doctor said:
1) build healthy self esteem (be respectful to yourself. Take responsibility for your actions). "The six pillars of self esteem" is a useful framework for this.
2) recognise and challenge unhelpful thoughts. (ie CBT techniques.)
3) reduce stress (be active. Control what you can)
4) learn assertiveness skills
5) get social support.
I have found this list hopeful and inspiring. I hope you do too. Focusing on what I can do, rather than all I have lost (health, money, future plans, looks) is what I need to do. I don't have the skills yet but I'm working on it.
wishing you well.
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Thanks so much girls. I just had to get it out before I exploded. Having said that, I had a little explosion at hubby the other night . Not sure what it did for him but I certainly felt better! Went and saw my doctor today and had a bit of a chat to him too. It's just one more thing to deal with with this crap disease. You expect to just shut the door and walk away once treatment has finished but unfortunately it just doesn't work like that. It has affected us all one way or another. Everything you have all said makes so much sense. I'll keep working on it. Thanks again xox
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Wow, Ive been off here for a while trying to get over things and get on with things back to work and normality? Thankyou Karen for sharing. I had my 12 week radiation Oncology check today and now Im falling apart and thought I was over reacting drama queen. Im a single mum of 2 and feel like this is starting all over again. I thought I had this??? I now trying to hold together for my daughters 12th birthday tomorrow. Cant stop crying onto my pillow. Aftermath? never expected this. I have no advice but I can say you help by sharing maybe by morning I find the strength to muddle through knowing these feelings are not stranger to all. thanks Keryn
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Oh Keryn,
I really hesitated to write the post. I had written it and deleted it several times before I just had to let it out. I hate that others experience these feelings but am relieved it is not just me. The girls are so right on everything they said but particularly the fact that it is part of a grieving process. I think too that we finally have to time to stop and take stock of what we have been through, deal with the fear of it coming back (I think that's why we are so crap after appointments. It's all so in your face again). I don't know how to change things or how to fix it but like you, I will continue to muddle along as tomorrow is another day. Enjoy your daughters birthday tomorrow. It is my sons birdsy on Saturday. He will be 20. Take care. Karen xox
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I think I see what has happened with you.
I am reading whyquit.com to get enough information to kick the cigarettes and there was an interesting part in it about how something really annoys you but because of cigarettes which give a euphoria hit that annoyance gets pushed down and doesn't bother you.
Perhaps with all that was happening with chemo and the little joys in life you did recognise, you pushed your annoyances down and didn't openly mention them?
There is a warning on what I am reading, when off my cigarettes those annoyances will come back and without a puff to make it not matter I will have to deal with it and it could end in explosion. I have warned my sons and hubby if I really go off, don't take it too personal, its just me trying to heal.
Have a rant, does you good. Better out than in because sooner or later you have to deal with it.
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Yes you are right Brenda. I try to pretend like everything is fine and I am fine and then everything falls in a heap at some point. It's the way I have always coped with things. We are slowly working through things xox
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