Any advice for a newbie?
Hi everyone,
This is still so overwhelming and surreal. I was diagnosed on 28 May 2015 and had a lumpectomy on Tuesday, 2 June 2015. I get my results of the surrounding area of my tumor this Friday and a small victory, my sentinel node tested negative during surgery. The biopsy prior to surgery put my tumor at a grade 2 (likely to have spread) and therefore the surgeon has already suggested chemo then radiation afterwards.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 19. I am now 42 and for all these years used exercise, counseling, meditation and relaxation methods to avoid medication and have been strong and successful. But nothing comes close to this experience which has now plunged me into uncontrollable anxiety and that all too familiar fog of depression. I am anxious every time I leave the house. I am physically well enough but haven't been able to go back to work because its all too much. I sometimes don't want to talk to people and ignore some people's calls and I am OVER hearing people's stories of people they knew who have died. I write this through my tears.
I know I am not as bad off as many other people but I am terrified. I'm so scared of chemo and that I will get so down that I will stop fighting. I'm scared that this fight will turn into years. I'm scared that it has already spread to other parts of my body. I'm well at the moment and I want these thoughts to stop consuming me because I'm wasting my life sitting inside.
I have started counseling and at home mindfulness exercises but I would really like some support from people who know exactly how I'm feeling. I want to start feeling like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and get on with this journey.
Thank you for reading my post and for any advice or encouragement anyone would be kind enough to provide.
Tracey
Comments
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Hi Tracey, I understand your concerns, and you have accessed the right website for support. I'm currently undergoing chemo, and just take it 1 treatment at a time, and I find this more manageable and less overwhelming. The other things that I do daily is make sure that I achieve something productive every day. The result of that is achieving little goals for yourself, and it gets me looking at other things I can do, can get quite interesting at times. You have a great team around you xxx Tracey B
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Hi Tracey,
First up, take a breath, you will be okay. The way I like to look at it is that I am no sicker now than I was the day or week before my diagnosis, the only difference is that now I know I have it and I am doing something about it. So are you.
Are you doing your meditations and exercise lately? I find both help but long walks and boxing have been a great help.
Take one day at a time. It sounds like you have had some battles in the past, use the knowledge & skills you have gained from dealing with them to deal with your cancer.
Hang in there and take some deep breaths, you can do this.
cheers
Mira
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Hi Tracey it does become overwhelming you are getting help with counseling and that is a great start.
I found the beginning really difficult but you need to take it one day at a time. I'm now getting to the end of my trip and you need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnell. I was diagnised in Febuary 2014 and have just finished my herceptin and believe me there were times when I thought I would not get to the end but here Iam getting ready for a holiday to celabrate the end of treatment. This site has been great I always feel I'm not alone and there is someone out there that does understand my feelings of very high and very low. Take care of yourself and keep asking for helpx
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Hi Tracey
the other girls have said it but one day at a time. Once you have your treatment plan you'll start feeling better. You can plan your life around treatments and break it down into stages. I'm about to head into the last stage of my treatment and never thought the day would come. It does.
So keep doing what you know works, walk every day and know the next day is a step closer to the end. I have small panic attacks sometimes thinking this'll be my life forever but it's not true. There are even lots of positives along the way! Doing something productive also helps you get through each day.
good luck with results and remember, it'll be easier once you know your treatment plan. Lx
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Hi Tracey,
i have trouble sleeping, so this is my time to read and communicate with my cancer family! I know how you feel when it comes to being scared and anxious, but not the depression. I have a brother who suffers with depression and I understand how hard it is to stay on top of it. Please make sure you continue to talk to us! The cancer fear will pop up every now and then, but it won't consume your life!!!
I have advanced cancer and yes I am pretty sick, but I need to live life to the full. You need to try and take control of your thoughts and tell cancer that it won't win! My motto is "I live with cancer, I'm not dying of cancer" I hope this helps xxxxx
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Hi Tracey
This post could have been written by me! I was diagnosed on sept 29 with a stage 1, grade 2 lobular carcinoma. I was offered chemo and radio. My sentinel lymph was clear, had 5 removed, I was anxious and depressed! I have just finished treatment of 2 surgeries to remove margin on last one, 4 rounds of chemo, 16 radio sessions. I am 6wks from treatment and still feel fatigued and tired but I did it Tracey and have had a good prognosis going forward. I still have anxiety about reoccurrence which i feel is totally normal, i had to make a concerted effort in ignoring those who get off on telling you cases of dying (sick people!) and surrounded myself with positive people even if that means cutting off family members too and hung with the dragon abreast girls who are inspirational, saw a psychologist through cancer council, ate well, did what makes me happy. This whole process is a real test on our thought patterns as important as eating well. Call your breast care nurses they are the best.
Go outside sit in the sun for 10 mins every day and your mantra is I will be fine, everyday and exercise even when you don't feel like it. Contact me if you want I think we have the similar or same!
All the best, Janet xxxx
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Hi Tracey,
Welcome to the network.
I can understand your worries and you've come to the right place for support.
It's good you are having counseling and have developed skills you've learned from your experiences with depression and anxiety in the past. My sister sent me a link of mindfulness meditation which I try to do every day. Only 15 mins, but it's time to sit and breathe, which is not as easy as it seems at times. (maybe that's me??)
I had a lumpectomy in late April, but unfortunately the tumour was larger and more irregular than was expected (mucinous) with DCIS in tissue margins. I had a further excision which was still unsuccessful so I had to have a mastectomy 2 weeks ago (as my boob was really quite small to start with). For me that was the best decision as pathology showed a second mucinous smaller tumour hiding as well. Reconstruction will be later after I've finished other treatments, chemo and radio. (I'm recovering now and waiting for oncologist appointments). Despite having experienced surprising pathology results every time I venture in to see my surgeon, I was always encouraged by her approach. She regularly consulted with other surgeons, pathologists and we spoke to other surgeons as well about the best approach. I effectively like to think myself as being cancer clear in that region.
Chemo is to 'mop up'. I had micromets in 2 of 5 lymph nodes. I'm scared of chemo and how it's going to affect my body. I've always been fit and healthy, running and zumba. My tumours were hormone receptor positive so I need to be pushed into early menopause. At 48, that's not too bad for me, earlier that what I would've expected naturally, but I've been blessed with two lovely kids and I know there's many people worse off than me.
I've started walking every day. It's the same route as my weekend runs, but I walk steady with music. I've also started the pilates dvd which came with the 'my care kit' organised by the nurse in hospital when I had the mastectomy.
I have close friends who are very supportive and say the right things. I'm learning to avoid the family members and 'friends' who say the wrong things.
During all those surgeries, I was in a dark tunnel. My friend equated it to a detour, which seemed to just take me in circles, on my journey. Now I feel there is a path, it's chemo, but at least I know where I'm going and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It just took me a while, and a little longer than I expected.
Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with positive people. Jump online too.
Take care,
Karen xx
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Hi Tracy, my heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug. I am 55 and have suffered depression and anxiety since I was 32. I coped with the diagnosis really well (my family history is so bad, I wasn't shocked at all. I also coped with the op surprisingly well. I had a lumpectomy in Oct 2013 and my sentinel node was negative. When told I would have chemo because of family history and the need to 'mop up' any stray cells, I lost the plot. Everything crashed around me and I doubted I would make it through. There were some tough times ahead, I won't say it was easy, but I am now over 12 months past chemo and radiation and doing great. I have actually noticed my depression and anxiety have eased somewhat. I put it down to seeing the big picture and now knowing there are worse things that can happen. The little things don't bother me as much as they used to. I'm not downplaying what we go through, but there is light at the end of tunnel. I'm so happy that you are seeking help with the counseling etc. Wishing you all the best for your treatment and sending you big cyber hugs,
Hazel xx
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Hi Karen
Reading your story above it is similar to mine. I am 48, have had a lumpectomy, clear sentinel nodes, but further DCIS that was removed last week. Today found out pathology was not clear and will have a mastectomy after my chemo. Now the decision is whether I have a double mastectomy to stop further anxiety of the cancer returning. I'm triple positive (HER2 positive) and will require 1 year of Herceptin and hormone tablet for 5-10 yrs. I will also be forced into early menopause, but have 3 grown children 19-26 years of age.
I also do the pilates dvd they provided every day and used to run, but now walk around the neighbourhood.
I meet with the medical oncologist this week to start chemo and am concerned about how it will knock me around.
I'm also living by the same advice you have given Tracey Dwyer - to be kind to yourself and I'm also completing meditation every day, particularly if I'm anxious and can't sleep (saved onto my ipod).
Kind regards
Tracey Watkins xo
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Hi Tracey
It is understandable to be anxious, particularly when you don't get all the results and treatment plan at once. I had a lumpectomy in early May with clear sentinel nodes and am HER2 positive. They found further DCIS which was removed last week, but found out today I require a mastectomy after chemo treatment.
When I get anxious and can't sleep at night I listen to meditation 'the secret garden' and others that I've downloaded onto my ipod. I find the Pilates DVD they provided after surgery helpful, plus walking - just getting outside. In general any exercise seems to be uplifting. The more you do, the better you feel.
I go through periods when I don't answer calls or emails and have preferred to work from home as I don't want to be around people in the office. Then I have good weeks where I can't wait to catch up with friends and family and try to have a laugh. Everyone has been very supportive and understands if you don't feel like talking, and I'm sure your family and friends will be the same.
I've been trying to write down 3 things a day that I'm grateful for, it's helped me to try and not dwell on the negative things that are happening, although understand this can be easier said than done.
Have you got a support group with your hospital? I found it fantastic catching up each week with women who had gone through a similar experience to myself.
Sending you a big hug and my thoughts are with you while you wait for results. Tracey W xo
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Dear Tracey,
very sorry to hear how hard this is for you. It does sound to me that you are doing all the right things like counselling and mindfulness meditation.
i am a recently diagnosed breast cancer patient (February) and am currently going through chemo. It is hard work and I have been feeling anxious and depressed as a reaction to steroids they give you with chemo. I am trying to organise counselling as well.
one thing I am confident in though is that we are in the best place in the world when it comes to breast cancer treatment and it's success.
Has someone given you information about breast cancer, treatment options, support groups and organisations? There appears to be a lot of it there and I have found that knowing more has given me more confidence along the way. Do you have a breast care nurse?
you will get through I'm sure. I will say my little prayer for you (I do have some powerful ones).
Nada
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Thank you so much to each and every one of you for responding. Each comment was positive and gave me some hope.
I got my pathology results back today and the surgical margin was 'relatively clear'. No more surgery was the good part of that. I knew before surgery I would need chemo. The surgeon today told me 4-6 months worth. It was an aggressive nasty triple negative cancer which likes to pop up in other parts of the body hence the chemo to catch any rogue cells. The tumor was 2.5cm hence a free upgrade to grade 3 which didn't make me very happy but I should be feeling ok all the same as every other part of the result came back not too bad.
My oncologist appointment is next Thursday. Geeeeez, another wait
I will then be starting chemo pretty much straight away. I hope this means I will have a really lovely Christmas.I hope you are all doing ok and thank you so much again for being supportive xo
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