Managing anger
I haven't visited this site for quite some time as, to be honest, I don't want to hear any more about cancer. It has consumed my life for the last 12 months and as much as I want it over I know it never will be.
i am now five weeks post 2nd stage reconstruction and definitely on the mend but I can't shake off feeling down and bitter. One thing I have been struggling with is the lack of support from my "friends". In that I have been excluded from group events etc and basically have not heard from them since the initial diagnosis. Also, a "close" friend has repeatedly said some really insensitive things and I am finding it very difficult to forget and forgive. Ie. Me in hospital recovering from bi-lateral mastectomy and her saying it's just like when she was in hospital having a Caesarian; how my mastectomy scars will fade just like her Caesarian, how waiting to see how far the cancer had spread was just as stressful as when she was waiting to hear about a payout from work, and over and over again.
am I wrong for feeling pissed off?
i guess I am questioning if it is normal to feel this bitter towards others?
Comments
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I have only just completed my treatment (last radiotherapy session on Tuesday). I had a bilateral mastectomy in January but no plans for reconstruction. I think people just don't know what to say or do so they either ignore you or unintentionally say the wrong things. Nobody can truly appreciate what you have gone through except someone who has walked the same road and even then the journey is never exactly the same. I sometimes get annoyed, disappointed or upset when I feel like people aren't acting the way I would like them to. But maybe they just don't know what else to do. This journey can be a lonely one at times. Best wishes to you.. cyber hugs, Anne
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Hi Huggy.
I'm at the beginning of my journey. Give me a year in and I'll probably be over it also, lol.
I think in general people say things trying to relate or to communicate with us but it doesn't always come out right. The comparison were not the best at all and I can see how you would be peeved at them. I think it depends who says these things and where their heatrs at as to whether week feel upset by it. Does that make sense..x
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Hi yes it can be a long trip and some people just don't know what to say and sometimes say the wrong things.
I will tell you about my husband who was trying to be supportive when he said he knew how I was feeling. My comment back was how do you know what it is like to have a piece of your body cut off and then worry constantly that the cancer will return. It is a long trip and you will get there. My emotions are everywhere and never sure how I'm going to react to others. Be kind to yourself, it is just over 12 months for me and I still have bad days.
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Many people around us do not know what to say, sometimes avoiding us is easier, I think a lot of people automatically associate it with death. So they either say ridiculous things or nothing at all, I remember my sister in law said your so lucky look how much wait you've lost. Idiot. I'm 3 years post and still get pissed of as everyone thinks yeh she is back to normal, but it's our normal and they will never understand. Only the ladies here do. Regards adean
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Hi:):) Yes it's very normal I feel.Some time ago now,there was a post on here about this very thing.SO MANY ladies replied,which showed just how common it is to feel like this.This is one of the reasons that I like this network.I pretty much keep my BC stuff to myself day to day,but I come on here often,and it really helps me put things in perspective.When I log off on here,I just go about my daily stuff,but whenever I need some support or just to connect,I jump back here!!! I think that people don't mean to say the wrong thing,but because most of us haven't had experience with cancer before,then people try to tell a story that they think might help.They usually miss the mark!!! I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell people that you would rather not talk about your BC.Keep the conversations for the people you know ARE going to give you the support that you need.And this includes this fantastic network of ladies.Long after our friends are sick of hearing about it,the ladies on here are not!! Take care:) Cheers Robyn ox
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Thanks Ladies for all of your comments
it's nice to know I'm not the only one out there going through this. I must admit I still have really bad days but my physical and mental health is improving all the time. I am gradually learning to be patient but this is such a LONG process !! But anyway, thanks again.
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Hi Rowdy,
I said exact same words to my husband!! "How would you like it if you had a body part chopped off you!!"
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Hi Huggy,
You have a right to be pissed off. You've come such a long way.
I agree with many of the comments that some people just don't know what to say and try relate in some way, which just comes out so wrong. I experienced that yesterday with a well meaning colleague who overstayed her visit by about an hour after talking about dr experiences 23 years ago when she was pregnant!!!
Fortunately I have a close group of friends who have each experienced a relative with bc and tell me regularly that they don't know what it's like to go through this, and are constantly encouraging me to get on the network and make connections with others who have.
Some people get scared with the word 'cancer'. I know one of my sisters is like that. I've only received one direct call from her once since I called her about my diagnosis (6 weeks ago). She's sent a few texts about being busy, or sick. But I know she doesn't cope or want to cope. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.
You've come such a long way in 12 months with reconstruction as well. Be kind to yourself
Karen xx
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Oh Huggy,
I sure know how you are feeling honey! I was diagnosed a couple of months ago and have often felt angry since then. Many different unpleasant emotions actually. Have had the same experience as you, friends who were initially saying all the same things, they are there for me, they are thinking of me, they are there anytime etc and then some haven't been in touch since at all. Not even when I was having surgery. I have also heard soooo many stories that people feel compelled to tell me about other people with cancer etc. I don't want to hear those stories, I want them to shut up & just be there for me to listen rather than compare me to someone else. That may sound selfish but no one can prepare us for how we react to this bastard of a disease! I saw a woman in the breast clinic recently with the words "Fuck Cancer" written on her shirt and I laughed out loud! Hell yeah I thought and gave her a thumbs up!
Don't be hard on yourself, be angry when you need to be and then let it go. It's when we let it sit too long that it becomes toxic.
Hugs,
Karen xoxo
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