In denial
Hi ladies, I joined this group quite some time ago and have been reading the posts but not blogging myself. If I'm really honest, I have been in denial. I am nearly 12 months post treatment, I take Arimidex daily. My sex drive is nil, zero, zilch, nada. My loving partner has been so patient and understanding and he believes when I'm ready all will be good. I have just let things ride and now I'm feeling really selfish because I have not made an effort in that department and when I look deeper into it, I have realised I am just plain scared. I'm scared it's going to hurt, I'm worried that I just don't feel attractive anymore. Before BC, we had a close loving relationship. Added into the mix, halfway through my chemo he was diagnosed with cardio myopathy. This is being treated with lots of medication. I'm also scared that something might happen to him if we have sex. He doesn't have the same worries, but he's quite content to wait for me to be ready. Bloody hell, I'm going around in circles. Anyway, I'm glad at least I have it off my chest, I just feel robbed, that's all, take care ladies, I hope you are all doing ok,
Hazel xx
Hazel xx
Comments
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Hi Hazel,
welcome to the group. I think most of us here have felt like you feel. One of the main problems for me is that everything has dried up down there. Add to that numerous UTI's. You can see where this is going can't you. Not much sex!!
I have really struggled with the lack of closeness and intimacy between my husband and I. It's almost like it's become too hard and now neither of us are making the effort. I think that the fact that I am acknowledging it is a step in the right direction. My husband was wonderful during my treatment but I think it left him emotionally drained and now I think we are struggling to find that closeness.
I have discovered a wonderful product called YES which Pam (Daisymarigold) recommended. I have been on and off it but have now realised that things are better if I use it regularly. I am really scared of getting another UTI and so need to make sure everything stays lubricated. Now if I can just get interested.....
I live in hope that things will somehow get back to some sort of normal for us.
I can understand your fear. Maybe look into getting some YES or some other sort of lubricant. Unfortunately YES isn't available in Australia but they have a great website. I was using replens before that and it is ok, but a bit messier. ( the things we discuss here),
In regards to worrying about your hubby hurting himself, what does his Dr say? Maybe you can start off slow? Be teenagers again?
I feel your pain. Hang in there. You are not alone.
Paula x
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Hi Hazel
As Paula says, we know what you are going through. "Yes" does make sex for me pain free and thank God my UTIs seem to have abated I think due in part to the immunotherapy my doctor here has prescribed. Stuff again that is not available in Australia ( called Urovaxom). The body image thing is a problem but actually for most of us, just the lack of desire is the killer. It does make it very hard to maintain intimacy. I just keep up having sex a couple of times a week in the hope that one day I will feel something again. Hang in there - hopefully your doctor can reassure you on the husband heart front.
????
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Good morning ladies reading this makes me feel so not alone. I have tried silk and this is much better, my biggest issue is I'm not the least bit interested.
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Hi Hazel
yep, yep, yep, yep and yep! I have no desire AT ALL. It's got to the stage that my hubby cannot even enter me as the atrophy is so bad so we just don't bother. We haven't had sex for probably 8 months now. I've tried talking to my gp and he said talk to the oncologist. I talked to the oncologist and she said things will get better, just wait. Lubricants make no difference. It's all become just too damn hard. An onc nurse suggested going to a sex shop and getting different sized dildos but I can't bring myself to do it. I didn't think I was a prude but maybe I am. Hubby won't even talk about it. He's embarrassed that I've spoken to the doctors about it. I miss the closeness, the intimacy and frankly, I miss the sex. Hubby says it's ok and that it doesn't matter but I does. I honestly don't know what the answer is. I wish I did for all of our sakes.
Karen xox
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hi ladies. I sometimes get so frustrated that we don't have answers to this stuff! All I can suggest is to use Yes every night for 2 weeks to really restore normal moisture, then use it every second or third day. Then have a couple of glasses of wine to relax you. I still tense up and fear penetration, so we usually have non penetrative sex. Like you I have absolutely no desire whatsoever, but just keep going with it because I refuse to give up and let this bloody disease wreck yet something more! Our sex life is now maybe once every 2 - 4 weeks, but to me that's better than nothing at all. Hazel, I really feel for you. Please check with your GP re your husband's situation - if it's ok for him to have sex, then that's one thing off your plate. I think you just have to take it really slowly and gently, and if it hurts you, just stop. Use the Yes water based moisturiser, and use heaps of the Yes oil based lubricant - and I mean heaps. Slather it on. Re feeling unattractive. I think we all go through that. Julie suggested wearing sexy sheer tops at one stage - I think that's a great idea. I'm 18 months post a bad implant job but now I just look in the mirror and shrug. Other things have become more important, and my partner is incredibly supportive. Take care, Pam xx0
