Today's feelings in poetry
Lucky So lucky, people say. That they caught it when they did That it hasn’t spread That they got it all That I have insurance So, so lucky. That my friend told me about her cancer That I finally moved my arse and Went and had that mammogram That I live in the lucky country So lucky That my prognosis is good That my job will be there for me That I am surrounded by family and friends With their love, soup and casseroles. Lucky. That my new set are perkier Smaller, Scar-rier, numb-ier. A bit lopsided Like me. Some days though, I just feel A tiny bit Unlucky.
Cancerversary 🍀
Hello lovely ladies. Today, on April Fools, I celebrate one year since my double mastectomy. Mixed feelings, for sure. It hasn’t been easy, that goes without say, especially with the whole surgeon saga happening. I’ve found out he left tissue behind in both breasts, in areas that were shown suspicious on the pre-surgery MRI. And he didn’t highlight those areas for pathology to check, so not sure what there even was there. He also refused to test further post surgery. Luckily my beautiful current surgeon is on top of it. However, I am still grateful that I had the surgery, as it rid me of those treacherous lumps in both of my breasts. I felt very happy after it, because my body knew most of the ‘evil’ was gone. So it’s definitely a positive thing, and I will celebrate in some small way. Emotionally, I’m so much better than what I was then, it’s hard to put in words. This forum had a lot to do with me getting better ♥️. It’s a special place 🕉. So did my current surgeon and her practice manager 💜💙. Anyway, to all the newbies, and all those struggling, it does get better. Hard to see that in the midst of despair, but nothing is permanent, so happiness and confidence will enter our lives again when we are ready to accept it and fight for it. Cheers to a cancer-free future 🤞🍀🥂NED and fantastic medical teams 💕
Today I am officially NED 😃🤩🥳🥰. On the 4 Dec, I finally had my left nipple removed, and today at my post op appointment results came back clear. After my nipple/skin sparing mastectomies in April, it was the last thing that needed removing as it had traces of DCIS. This surgery was supposed to be done in April, but long story short, I had problems with my first surgeon (anxiety and trust issues) and so I sought a second opinion, and consequently changed surgeons. Then, under my new surgeon’s care,I saw a fertility specialist, med onc, had bilateral radiation, and finally two weeks ago the nipple removal, which was done under local anaesthetic at my request. It was in a proper operating theatre, just that I was awake the whole time. And it was one of the most positive and interesting experiences I’ve had. There was no fear as I fully trust my new surgeon. She answered all my questions throughout, and we even had a good laugh about a mole I also had removed. Overall, it went remarkably well and I went home feeling really happy. Sometimes, I feel I have to pinch myself to make sure it wasn’t just a daydream, like I was having back in April and May when I was in my depression, not sleeping well, not eating well, and with heightened anxiety, all caused by my first surgeon in relation to this surgery. The way he wanted it done made no sense, it seemed unnecessarily invasive, I kept being told different things, and I got absolutely no information or support about my cancer in general. Meetings were rushed and there was no empathy or compassion. Also, he refused all other options of treatment I suggested, saying they were not possible. As soon as I saw my second surgeon, things changed. I immediately started sleeping well again, anxiety eased considerably and depression lifted completely. I was given loads of info, different treatment options and meetings were long, with detailed and very patient explanations. All my questions were answered thoroughly and there was genuine empathy and care. Polar opposites. Now, I no longer fear hospitals, and my trauma around surgery has eased considerably. Every time I have an appointment, I actually look forward to it and don’t stress and lose sleep. All my concerns are validated, and decisions respected. I get detailed answers as to why something needs to, or can’t be done. Also, all my suspicions about the things that didn’t make sense with first surgeon were proven right. I know that this is how it should always be, but unfortunately it’s not. Very definitely not. The treatment I get from my surgeon and her practice manager goes way above anything I could ever have hoped. Seeing them gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling, like the one you get when you hug your favourite teddy bear, or when you’re in front of a beautiful fireplace with a sizzling fire on a cold winter night. The feeling you get when you come ‘home’ 😊. It’s not something you can force, some people just have this gift naturally. I thank the universe that I am lucky enough to have found them (through this forum!) and today to be in this wonderful place emotionally and psychologically, and NED 🥰. And I thank myself that I listened to my intuition, as hard as it was at the time. I have since met many other specialists who are also brilliant. This ride has been difficult to say the least, but considering everything, I really can’t complain right now. I hope the universe continues to look out for me, and to keep beautiful people like these in my life (for prevention of further c, not treatment! 😆). I also wish the same to all you lovely ladies, also on this extremely unwanted ride. Good luck, don’t rush important decisions, and always listen to your body and intuition, as they know best! 🍀🥰♥️ Mon Xxx
Mastectomy looming
This time next week I’ll be having my double mastectomy. For the first time since diagnosis I’m feeling so sad and swamped with gloom. The lumpectomy and the entire node removal left me mentally unscathed believing I’d be okay and able to cope with whatever was to come. I know I have no choice and to save my life these breasts that have turned on me have to begone. But .... it’s all so hard to comprehend. My glass half full look on life is now feeling decidedly shaky. Thankful for my fabulous family and friends though and today I randomly turned to a page in a daggy old mag at pathology quoting one of Winston Churchill’s sayings ... “If you’re going through hell... keep going.” I’ll try to keep that in mind.
Is "Brian" the new Farnham??
So.......I thought I had given my lump "Brian" a beautiful farewell concert, complete with audience, drinks and a hearty "F...k Off Brian" back in March. At that stage, I was cruising through the Stage 1, grade 3 euphoria of "You got this Girl!" Doctor will do a Lumpectomy one morning, rip out a few nodes, dose of radiation and some pills just in case. Oh yeah, I was still scared, but I was being told - "we" got this!" "Brian" has left the building!!! So......the discovery of a 85mm lump of "Brian" and 4 positive nodes and 1 pissed off node, caused panic and it is now Mastectomy time. The family and I throw a "Fast and Furious" Movie Marathon as a Farewell to "Lefty". Receive a beautiful Love Note from my oldest daughter thanking "Lefty" for being an amazing breast and the Husband gets the final touch.. Rocked up for surgery on 6th May -it goes really well. Up and about that afternoon walking with the drip in my room, that I share with a 72 year old Lady who "Screams" in her sleep, calls out my name nonstop, refuses to eat and sneaks off for cigarette breaks. I wanted to go home just so i could actually sleep and rest!!! Anyway, 2 days after surgery, Dr. (I am God) Bolshy turns up with his entourage of Junior Registrars and says - "you can go home and by the way you are now Stage 3, Grade 3 and walks off." W.T.F. Did you just say? I had to chase this Bastard down the hallway and make him come back to my room!!!!!!!!!!!!! he refuses to tell me anymore other than you have jumped from Stage 1 to Stage 3 - the surgical team will tell you. I met up with the Surgical team last week and all hell breaks loose! "Brian" made a comeback!!! In fact "Brian" had been a busy little Lead Singer - shacking up with as many "Cell Groupies" as he could find the energy for and also shacked up with a Node (making 5 positive now and 1 annoyed) while spreading the love around! All he needed was 3 weeks of love action and he had created another 2mm aggressive growing "lump" near the original site where he was sliced/diced from the show and left his love juice in the form of 18mm of "Baby growing cancer cells" in my milk ducts. I am literally so shocked, I am unable to talk, comprehend or make any sense of what i was being told. What happened to "We got this??" Even though I am told "Brian is gone" and all is well - I am wondering if "Brian" is going to do a Farnsy and keep on making a comeback tour??? Anyway, IF Brian has left any love juice in my body or is thinking of making a 'Come Back" tour - He is in for a rude shock! I have a new band signed up to play in my body - SHE is called "Chemo and The Chemicals".....playing Centre Stage for the next 5 months in LOIS TOWN.....!! (lol) My new Motto: Find positivity in the little things and Use your words to defeat adversaries! Big Hugs Lois......who is not a Doctor's doormat.
I need a hug
Hi everyone, I thought I was coping pretty well considering the sucky state of my family's health at the moment. But today I've been thrown yet another curve ball. My surgery is on Friday 24 th and I was scheduled for the lymphoscintogram and needle localisation procedures to be done on the same day - pre my afternoon surgery. Today I get a text reminding me of my appointment in radiology for 23/5/19 - what, that is news to me?? I believed it may have been sent to me in error as it usually has my name on it and this one does not. So I rang and no it's for my lymphoscintogram! I have neuropathy and my feet are dodgy at best and the numbness has spread to my right thigh both front and back. Hubby is taking me on Friday as my car is manual and I have been stalling it haha. I cannot gauge how hard Im pressing down on the clutch, safer not to drive at this point. I went into a complete meltdown on the phone, I could not talk. I finally stammered out it's not fair to change it so late in the game and also it means I would have to rope someone in to taking me and wait around till I'm done. I have two family members in hospital at the moment and hubby and I were doing a final visit before my surgery. She is going to "try" to get my original appointments back as she cancelled that one, what should I do? Stick to my guns? Just when I I thought all the frigging me around was over.
Masectomy no treatment
4 months ago I had a bilateral masetomy and reconstruction. I also had lymph nodes removed. Luckily the nodes came back clear and I didn’t have to have treatment or medication. At the moment all the past emotions have come back and I feel really emotional. I work in childcare and have become very protective of my chest which has caused painful tight shoulders. I guess I’m feeling guilty about feeling so emotional about this when others have to go through so much more. I thought I’d share in here in the hope that there would be others that feel the same.
Post surgery, post chemo, still scared
Hi, I'm 28 and I've just finished the having chemo and a bi-lateral mastectomy for breast cancer. The doctors told me that the chemo wasn't 100% effective, but that the surgery got all of my cancer, so I'm technically cancer-free. I feel like I should feel relieved, but I feel the same anxiety and fear that I felt when I first got diagnosed. I feel like I still have cancer, and that its just a matter of time before I get it again. Is this normal? How do people manage the fear? Thanks! Sam
In an Unrelenting Journey....lets see whats the smallest thing that brightens your day?
I just wanted to shout out to everyone as we are all at different stages in this journey and I guess as Im recovering from surgery I'm thinking of all of you. Thought it would be great for us all..to share something good that we're grateful for in this moment...it's hard!!! Cant be positive all the time and the journey can be unrelenting and we feel badgered to the point of breaking and no return. But as I sit here, and I look back at my journey the past 6 years, I have tears rolling down my cheeks thinking WOW I went through all that, and sometimes you can't breathe when you remember. It is hard to look forward with any certainty or peace. We feel every emotion possible and sometimes feel we're not entitled to. One word that comes to mind thinking of everyone is "COURAGE" for all of you at the beginning, doubting there is anyway you can rise to the challenge. Take one hell of a deep breath..and I promise you, you absolutely will and even in times where you felt you couldnt and I had plenty...but you will RISE every single time. So what is the smallest thing that brightens or lifts your day? Mine is...Im sitting overlooking my garden, sipping Green Tea and the sun is shining, soft music playing and Im just peaceful in this moment. I'm grateful to just sit here, complete simplicity. Hugs Everyone Melinda xoxo
the hurdles we face are enough without this crap
it now appears there is a risk that I will not be able to have my mastectomy as I am in a wheelchair!!!! read these two links which are in our local paper today. You would all know the various, and sometimes all at once, feelings, thoughts and moods you go through, especially in the first couple of weeks of diagnosis. After I saw the surgeon and found out was to have a mastectomy, it almost took away the anxiety, I wont say I felt great about the whole idea and Im sure, as it probably is for all of you, that it may be a hard adjustment at first. But the anxiety of not knowing had been relieved a little. Until this, see these links and read on. I hope that are shamed into doing something about it, often going so public is the only way to get anywhere, as embarrassing as it was/is http://www.centralwesterndaily.com.au/story/4567955/undue-suffering-and-stress-for-woman-battling-breast-cancer/?cs=103 http://www.centralwesterndaily.com.au/story/4568662/ambulances-are-for-medical-emergencies/
