more surgery

Veronica,

Thats so great to hear you went out for a walk! and thinking of booking a trip! Excellent! 

I think as you too have found, this whole experience absolutely strips you to your core, everything you were or knew or yourself is no longer. I remember looking in the mirror and not seeing myself anymore. I dont think I want to be that person anymore, but its certainly hard finding your feet in who you are now. 

It is difficult with so much negative thoughts going around, but keep venting it will actually help get you moving and back in control of what it is you want to do in terms of your recovery, what that looks like for you. Walking, exercising, swimming, meditation..whatever you choose. Just those things will start to give you confidence and empower you to really take back control. So keep channeling that energy coming in a good way, to benefit you. 

Yes there will still be shocking days, and I find my tolerance isnt as great these days, so get overwhelmed very easy. So be kind to yourself...youve earned it!!!! 

I figure if somehow sharing helps in any small way, I want to remind everyone, no matter the depths and how dark...you absolutely will rise back up even when you thought you couldnt and you will move on, stronger, wiser and more self nuturing than you ever thought you could be.

Keep those great thoughts happening!!

Hugs

Melinda 

wow you are one hell of an inspiring lady to read about. Yes I will take your advise onboard, i'm hanging in there, I just need to stop that horrible negative inner voice that hounds me. Tell it to jump. I actually got out and went for a walk in the Melbourne sun today, 21 degrees. Boy I didn't release how unfit you can become in 4 months of doing very minimal exercise. Exercise is my escape from this world. I told my husband today I am going to book a trip away when this is all over by myself or with a friend. Go somewhere warm and relax and exercise. Need to see where my ff points can take me.

Thanks for all your words of encouragement, greatly appreciated. Glad to talk (type) to someone that understands what I am going through. I agree about the friends, I too had friends I thought would help me out but have kept their distance since my diagnosis. One thing this has taught me is how to help someone that might soon (hope not) go through this.

No one fully understands what we are going through unless they have walked a mile in our shoes and gone through this.

many thanks

Veronica

Vinn,

Im really sorry to hear all of this, the lack of support certainly is a tough one. My Mum passed 7yrs ago and I have no sisters, but my Dad was wonderful and stepped up to the plate in ways I could have only hoped. He took care of my kids, yes they are older, but they still needed to get everywhere, that was the hardest thing. 

I learned the life long friends youd think would be there really arent and the people youd least expect to help in any way, absolutely do. How humbling..and so I culled alot of long time friends. It has made me so aware as Ive had friends also go through this and I know how I would support them or anyone from hereon. I would have loved the occasional meal. 

Vinn, its certainly not selfish at all, the irony of all of this is? its about YOU, nobody else...the same way you cannot live for someone else. Ive learnt that I actually matter and am important above even my children. Like they say, if you are not right, how on earth can your kids be?? so it starts with you and all your energy put into you, into beating this thing. Most of all I learned to love myself a whole lot more, I even stopped working as I was too debilitated, which gutted me...but?? I found me...I will never ever put work above myself again and I dont. I am priority and my children. We are all healthy and happy, endured alot.

So I say to you, that everything you think and feel is ok and validated, no right or wrong. So time to put the love and energy just into you now. I'd have a look at a way you can delegate some things so you can focus on you, thats what I do now. I still give 100% to my kids and got my daughter through VCE whilst I had 4.5 months of Chemo. I couldnt be prouder of the resilience and determination Ive shown my kids the past 5yrs. I will never give in...so nurture nurture nurture you!!! is sooo key!! 

Im lucky to have a great ex husband LOL, though didnt help through all that as I wouldnt expect it. But we co parent so well and Im so grateful. I was also blessed to meet a wonderful man 6 months before diagnosis. He's been an Angel in how he supports me and thats not physically as we live far apart. 

So many blessings, life is good and going to get better!!! So keep going, do what you have to do and put this to bed!!! and lets live I say LOL!!! Humor has helped alot too!! 

Hugs! Melinda

Mate it sounds like you've been to hell and back with this disease. You sound like me with my oncologist. I actually told them to shove the chemo!!! and asked if this stuff is so safe, why the hell do they wear hazchem suits when manufacturing and handling it. yet you are telling me this s*** is safe to put in my body??? I asked her if she would ever have it?

I don't know what to advise on the Mastectomy and reconstruction even though I have had one, it's another inconvenience as recovery takes a while. I had my husband who in the end told me 'get off your A** and start pulling your weight and stop using your surgery as an excuse to get out of looking after the family' and this was about 6 weeks post surgery. I too have had very little support from family and have a husband that is so nasty at times if you read one of my other posts of how he  has treated me throughout all this. I think there needs to be more support for women like us that have very little support and I am not just talking about an occasional meal dropped off or a text asking how are you feeling.

I too had the 'do it for your kids' thrown at me from every angle. I got told I'd be selfish if I didn't so I did. 6 weeks post chemo, still feel out of sorts. I am downing over 20 pills from my naturopath a day, detoxing etc. I'm even going to try meditation on Friday nite. At the moment I just can't seem to get motivated to exercise (and I desperately need to, everytime I look in the mirror I cringe).

Lets hope the mastectomy is the end of it for you.

Vinn,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I know I feel when is enough enough? especially when you did all the right things and at the advice of professionals. I know with my recurrence, I was sooo angry, I mean really??? lumpectomy, radiation and 4yrs of tamoxifen and it came back??? and it was only DCIS in 2011. On yearly checkups and what?? I have 3rd stage aggressive in my scar? how is that even possible, nobody could explain it. I dont regret the treatment I chose, but I tell you what!!! I was so incredibly angry over it and fought with my Oncologist of the Chemo..which I did in the end...but no sooner did I finish and was literally so broken from it, did he say I was unusual?? because most women after a recurrence are begging for a mastectomy!!! Im like the Breast Surgeon said after the 2nd lumpectomy last year, it was as good as a mastectomy and served no purpose, so why would I think it necessary now?? after chemo and Im on Arimidex now. Honestly the meds dont bother me...but I made it clear seriously I couldnt manage chemo again.

I have decided on a mastectomy and reconstruction which will happen early next year, but Im not convinced or entirely happy about it. Like you when is it enough?? seriously?? how much do we have to go through?? Im actually doing holistic approaches now too, honestly Ive never felt better as chemo left me crippled...thanks to a Kinesiologist of all things, OMG who would have thought, I am starting to really heal now. 

Everyone has the right to choose what and how much, Ive lived my life for everyone else am a single parent had very little support through both breast cancers and I work full time. Amazing how strong and resilient you find yourself. I certainly am doing what I need to do as I see it. The thing is I remember everyone saying OHHH you have to do chemo you have to think of your kids??? Ummmm and I remember saying If I cannot do this for me, then I cannot do it for anyone else. People say a lot of well meaning things...but nobody knows the depths of what we all go through...physically, mentally and emotionally. I have learnt to put me first, and to love me through it all...thats been the best part. 

So Vinn, you are allowed to say its enough! be angry, upset all of it..we are human, we are entitled, and its good to feel every damn thing we feel because only then can WE rise up to do whats necessary, its not anyone else in our lives that has to...its just US. 

Im wishing for you now, to be able to finish with it all and move forward into a new happy future. 

Hugs xo Melinda

forgot to add, I also had mascetomy and reconstruction as well as the above mentioned treatments

so sorry to hear what you are going through. I just can't believe what us women are going through. It makes me so angry that we have to get bits and pieces cut off our bodies to make us better from this absolutely A**hole of a disease.

I start radiation therapy in a month. I seriously want to discuss not having it with my Breast oncologist. They also want to put me on this Tamoxifen for 5 years. I am totally drawing the line at taking it. I have excepted the chemo, the 2 operations, removal of 10 lymph nodes and radiation therapy (maybe not). I have strong feelings about all this treatment but not many share my point of view so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I actually feel so confused and like I am betraying myself and what I believe. I sometimes don't know who to trust or who to believe when it comes to the right treatment path to take. I pray to god I have made the right decisions with the treatment I have allowed my body to have. Not sure if others understand where I am coming from. 

Vinn,

Sorry you had to go through this again!! So glad to hear youre in good spirits and it does sound like they just want to get really wide margins. It is relentless and a hard road absolutely!

I had DCIS 2011, lumpectomy, rads and tamoxifen, then a recurrence in my scar tissue 2015 July, it was Grade 3 aggressive, had lumpectomy wide clear margins, lymph nodes taken but clear, did Chemo finished December and on Arimidex now. Time is a great healer!!!!

Unfortunately as mine was a recurrence, Ive had 2 major lumpectomies in the same breast and its smaller than my right. My medical team are now pushing for a mastectomy and reconstruction. Like you I figure seriously enough is enough, when does it end?? I say it ends if I do this surgery! onward and upward!!! 

Big breath! I hear you! 

Melinda x

Glad you are doing well. 

hi guys, thank you for your replies. it is 8.19pm sitting in hospital, spirits are up believe it or not, had low blood pressure after surgery and had nurses quite concerned nearly called a code yellow, blue what ever. This happened after surgery in April as well. You'd think my blood pressure would be high due to my high stress levels in life.

The gods must have been favoring me tonite as dessert was one of my favorites, Lemon Tart and I didn't even order it. I am hanging out for my favourite vanilla slice from a place called The Pantry just around the corner from the hospital here on my way home tomorrow. (shh just don't tell my natropath I am having a sugar binge she would not be happy) But hey I deserve it after this.

I must say for the first time since April I have not felt pain under my armpit, arm down left side or edge of left breast area. Oh those drugs they give you while still under are doing their thing. I hope they don't wear off as I hate taking pain killers otherwise.

Oh and how l love the feeling of going under, that feeling just before you are knocked out feels great. I enjoyed every second of it. I was watching the O.R lights and seeing them go blurry then lights out. One of the highlights of having an operation.