Forum Discussion
I can't connect with my diagnosis..
Hi there, This is my first post for 5 years. A month ago, I was diagnosed with metastatic bc in my spine and rib, 5 years almost to the day of my initial diagnosis. I am perfectly well, and it was picked up after a routine oncology check showed elevated markers in my blood. The week that my oncologist phoned me, I was completely snowed under with work and family commitments. My aunt had died whilst I was sitting with her, the day previously, and I was responsible for organising her funeral arrangements. I had a thesis proposal due in, and a critical work project about to begin. My husband was interstate, and I was playing catch up at home, having just arrived back from a European trip. It was chaotic.
Initially, I had a tiny cry and did some swearing, but then I decided that I could not afford to indulge in any kind of medical drama, and I put it aside to be dealt with later. The thing is, now that life has settled down a bit, I am having trouble even connecting with my diagnosis. It feels neither real, nor important- although my head knows that it is huge.
I have told my siblings- by text message, but advised them not to contact me because "I have no interest in discussing it right now'. I have told my 5 children ( teens) in as upbeat and dismissive a manner as possible, but cannot bring myself to tell my father. I have told my closest friends, but they are under instructions not to share the information. It is business as usual. I know that my friends and family want me to open up, but I hate drama and I despair at the idea that I will be forever considered through the lens of cancer. I feel the need to control the information, because I know that it will be dynamite to my broader family and friend group. I cannot deal with everyone's fear when I am unable to even connect with it myself. They were all so wonderfully supportive through my initial treatment, but that can be overwhelming, too.
I suppose my question is, How did others share the diagnosis in a way which didn't feel like dropping a bomb? Did others feel this remarkable sense of calm, and is it going to hit me like a ton of bricks?
Initially, I had a tiny cry and did some swearing, but then I decided that I could not afford to indulge in any kind of medical drama, and I put it aside to be dealt with later. The thing is, now that life has settled down a bit, I am having trouble even connecting with my diagnosis. It feels neither real, nor important- although my head knows that it is huge.
I have told my siblings- by text message, but advised them not to contact me because "I have no interest in discussing it right now'. I have told my 5 children ( teens) in as upbeat and dismissive a manner as possible, but cannot bring myself to tell my father. I have told my closest friends, but they are under instructions not to share the information. It is business as usual. I know that my friends and family want me to open up, but I hate drama and I despair at the idea that I will be forever considered through the lens of cancer. I feel the need to control the information, because I know that it will be dynamite to my broader family and friend group. I cannot deal with everyone's fear when I am unable to even connect with it myself. They were all so wonderfully supportive through my initial treatment, but that can be overwhelming, too.
I suppose my question is, How did others share the diagnosis in a way which didn't feel like dropping a bomb? Did others feel this remarkable sense of calm, and is it going to hit me like a ton of bricks?
47 Replies
- :o @Tennille - OMG!!!
- @Tennille. Good grief!! This is exactly what I'm afraid of...One of my sisters is very likely to say something similar in front of my kids..I hope you had words with your Mum!
- My mother told me in front of my 7 year old son that she lays awake at night thinking about where ill be buried
- Thanks, @Eastmum- that is so very true! xxx
- Hi @Ellamary98 - I’m so happy to hear that your feeling more settled.
I also did a trial run with two work colleagues before I told the world - one of them was really amazing, the other one cried - which I did not need - but it made me realise that I was going to get a whole range of unexpected reactions.
It was really interesting actually - could be a great social studies thesis! People who I thought would be fine, collapsed into blubbering pools of emotion and that was bloody hard to deal with - especially because they took it harder than I did and they simply could not accept that I was not devastated like they were. Other friends were totally awesome - cool, calm and collected.
Sending you tons of good wishes xxxxx - Thanks, @Anne94. That's not a bad way to let the broader group know initially, either. It beats multiple conversations, without announcing it to the world at large. Aren't we fortunate to have these communication options? Thanks again, girls. You are a fabulous resource.xxx
- @Ellamary98, I too have a secret Facebook page that is specifically for my diagnosis. It takes the pressure of repeating myself, people can remove themselves if they want to as well.
- Hi @Sister. Thanks for your post. I really like the blog idea, and had been thinking perhaps I would do something the same. A friend with mets has a facebook page to update friends, which she keeps separate to her usual page. I guess that a blog is a more diary styled approach, which could be good to look back on or even, as you have found, a cathartic space to get my thoughts together.
I have left a message for the secondary school well-being contact, and an email to my Grade 6 daughter's teacher and AP. There is no change to my routine as yet (I start a new treatment plan next month), so I know that the kids are not stressing right now, but I guess it is best to keep ahead of any concerns they will no doubt develop. Thanks so much for sharing! I'm going to think about a blog... xx <3 - @ellamary98 I told my daughter's primary school teacher (who passed it up the line), and my other kids' high school home group teachers as well as had a meeting with the Assistant Principal in charge of well-being there (I work there so they already knew what was going on). For my middle child, it is a first year at high school and she has used the counselling service on a couple of occasions. They have watched out for her and my son this year.
As far as telling other people, I had to tell my boss, of course. My husband and I told the immediate family as things were happening after diagnosis. I also told two key friends, asking them to tell other friends and that I didn't want to be barraged with phone calls or visits. My husband then helped me set up a blog and I put all updates on that. It's been a really good way for friends and family to catch up on my news without feeling that they need to contact me all of the time and me having to go through it each time. I've also used it shamelessly as a way of getting my own thoughts in order. - Thanks, @Anne94. I'm planning to speak to the schools tomorrow, so it's perfect to read about the approach your family took. xx
