The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

What frustrates me is that even if there is a support group or craft group or something, it's only ever offered during business hours.  I work 5 days a week.  But I'd love to go to a survivor's support group on a weekend or after hours.  Just because I'm working doesn't mean I don't still want to connect with others going through this situation.  Like everyone has said, just because I'm not still being fried from the inside out, doesn't mean I'm fixed and have gotten over it.

What wise and practical thoughts - I am always inspired by the deep wisdom, honesty and practical approaches which I use to adjust (or not) to the 'new' me whom I did not invite or aspire to. When I feel flattened I think about my grandmothers and the odds they faced - two world wars, the depression, a legal system which did not afford them equal rights etc. and yet ....... throughout their lives they reared children, ran their households in very primitive conditions etc. and I never heard of their private suffering. They taught me how to sew, crochet, knit and cook. Showed me how to appreciate each day no matter how difficult and both loved the arts. They somehow managed to find joy, I wish I could sit with them over a cuppa, but my memories are vivid and give me solace on those **##!!! days.

 It sort of 'cycles' doesn't it @Sister - sometimes you're good, sometime you're bad & other times, you just don't care.

Looking at the clutter in this house I could start selling stuff on Face book or Ebay lol. Probably take years to get rid of it all.

Me too, @Brenda - it is just in the 'too hard' basket.   We can NEVER leave this house!  

Oh I thought you beat it?

Yes @Dawnc - they think there is a switch 'I'm fixed' - but it doesn't work that way, does it?  I am so sorry to hear your marriage didn't survive the trauma  -  that is really sad.  

Where abouts are you (roughly?)  Town or City?  You can add it to your profile, then folk know where you are & might be able to arrange a meet up & coffee & chat.  There is the big Melbourne gathering later this year .....

Yes, family can be a real let-down.  That is terrible that your stepdaughters haven't maintained contact, knowing that you've been ill .... but - having said that, I've had issues with my own stepsister with over 55 years of supposedly being 'family' - but when it came down to the nitty gritty, it was always just about money.   I chose not to include her in my support group as I knew it wouldn't be 'genuine', just as she didn't choose me to be in her own support group when her husband was diagnosed with prostate - so at least we were on the same page, acknowledging a very fractured relationship.  I wouldn't even call it a relationship now - she is basically no longer in my life.  I just can't be bothered with all the drama that goes with her.

Ladies thank god for this wonderful website! I hear you all and empathise. I hate myself at moment as I have taken to feel like I am not even of this world anymore. Sad but true I don't know who I am anymore and cant find what I want to do or feel like doing to make me happy. "If that's at all possible now"
I Pinterest every week to find ideas to do that I might get inspired to or maybe can physically do, I search websites for inspiration I look into the past for happy times its a dreadful thing at my age (71) to not know where I fit anymore. I play indoor bowls when I am well enough & do craft with a group every week but I feel I cant talk about my post BC health with them as they seem to think Oh I thought you beat it? look so I decline or refrain from conversating with them.
I live with my daughter now so have lost a lot of independence. I still drive though wont give my car up. My marriage of 35 years ended on my diagnoses he couldn't handle the situation or it didn't fit into his lifestyle future. I also lost contact with two stepdaughters I reared for 35years which was hard. But here I go AGAIN! Looking into the past! How do we form a new future? I keep searching so that is a positive I suppose! Its when I give up is when I'm in trouble I suppose.

It's sometimes feels like being dead but not being buried. (Awful thing to say I know but tomorrow is another day, I suppose) I have even searched for BC Groups to meet up with women face to face in my area but closest one in too far for me to travel. We certainly need more face to face groups where we can talk to women in the same situation for our mental health & wellbeing! (Sanity) 

Sister said:

It's trying to recreate somebody out of what's left that's hard.

I whole heartedly agree! That's where I am at this moment in time. I cannot go back to buying and renovating houses. I no longer have the interest or money to keep over two dozen aquarium tanks in a dedicated fish room and breed fish.
Technically I am supposed to be in early retirement so getting an actual job is out.
I was always a physical doer even as a kid and now that is largely gone so what to do with myself? Looking at the clutter in this house I could start selling stuff on Face book or Ebay lol. Probably take years to get rid of it all.

I'm hearing you.  No-one who hasn't been here in some form can really get it.  The sad remains of my bustline are just cosmetic and only really bother me on occasion.  It's trying to recreate somebody out of what's left that's hard.

Oh @"Summer Prevails" I do hope that's true. I am finding my life mostly an utter grim miserable slog. And yes, it does feel permanent.

I don't look back very often but today I've been seized by the refrain of "I wish I could go back to how it was, I want my old life back". I know no good comes of this way of thinking so I'm trying to turn my brain away from this thought as best I can.

I get upset looking at pre-cancer photos too. Shit, I got upset looking at a young couple with a son and baby daughter in a cafe today. They were where I was 15 years ago. I looked at them simultaneously envying them for their innocence and hope, and pitying them for the misery that life will heap on them.

Cancer has wrecked my eyebrows too. They are no longer even; one side being far too short, not extending enough to the middle, and both patchy.

The pain I referred to was the river of pain that flows inside me that some days, most days, threatens to sweep me away. I try not to let it come out, I try not to write about it here. But I can't talk about it with anyone irl except my psychologist and I can't afford to see her as often as I'd like. It's despair as you say, that little will be good for the remainder of my life. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard. Occasionally I string together some days where life is passable, but mostly it's pain and deep sadness. Plus AI bone pain.

Everyone here says it will get better. You've got a terrific way with words, "increeeeedibly slooow evolution we must go through, to get not back to our old selves, but to ARRIVE at the place where we have fully let go of the sadness". Will we really? I can't see it right now. 

I don't recognise myself. I think the AI is deepening and lengthening my depression. I'll keep trying and hope the ship turns, but it's getting harder.

I'm glad you're feeling brighter @"Summer Prevails". Long may it stay that way. K xox

@kmakm Bloody hell lady, you deserve some goodness and pain free days. Hugging you! The shit days feel utterly permanent don’t they. Like set in stone, this is it, it’s all over, nothing’s good anymore. But you’ve got insight and wisdom and skill to know that it’s all temporary. It’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass.....my mantra. There’s something incredibly grounding about knowing that nothing lasts, good OR bad. 

Its funny, I actually think my old self who I was Before was defined by eyebrows. I looked at old photos of me earlier today..I never do that..too sad. But for some reason I forced myself to. And I am so fucking pissed off that chemo stole my old eyebrows. I don’t look the same. And I hate it. And I never thought I’d be more fixated on stupid eyebrows and lashes than the great big scar across my boob. But here I am. 

I think its an increeeeedibly slooow evolution we must go through, to get not back to our old selves, but to ARRIVE at the place where we have fully let go of the sadness. I think it takes everyone different amounts of time, too. It unfolds on an almost cosmic timescale. An epic slow formation of a new version of you. But that’s okay because look how beautiful a galaxy is. It’s worth the wait. 

@"Summer Prevails" Yes, yes, yes. I've had a really bad day today. I'm in such pain it's hard to credit. It will pass I know, but it will also return.

@InkPetal Um...my whole life summed up in your words! Thank you.

I am like an old widow mourning someone dead, and trying desperately to find something to fill in the black hole they left when they died. ? It’s just bizarre. To try to explain this kind of ongoing subconscious grief/guilt state as a survivor to anyone who has never been through BC is futile. It’s like explaining the colour turquoise to a person who only sees in black and white. You can’t. So you just stop talking or trying after a point. And this is a messy and very lonely place to have to live, with no self expression.