https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/10/176194/life-after-breast-cancer-survivor-story?

I get tantalising glimpses of the old me. I managed to roll a round bale which probably weighs about 250 kg over 30 metres on my own while fending off 'You Idiot' who just Could Not Wait. Three years ago that would have been a doddle and I'd have done it without stopping. (Hint there folks, do not stop. It means you have to start again) But at least I could do it today. No idea if I will be able to do it tomorrow though, and there is the frustration for me. It's all so random and unpredictable. Good days, bad days. Good weeks that get me all optimistic and planning the next project only for everything to turn to shit again over night. I either avoid making commitments because I'm not sure I can meet them or make the wrong ones and end up both disappointed and disappointing.My habit of going to ground when I'm not coping means most people only see me when I'm 'up' so there's not much understanding of the big picture.

kmakm said: Oh lordy, me too @StarGirl. I can't get any part of my psyche round the fact that I'll never go back to 'normal'. I feel this every day. I think I'll write at length about it but for now I'll just put out there that surviving gave me a form of depression that was a cycle of hating myself for being ungrateful but I was in mourning over the fact the old me is dead. I was mourning myself. I feel like I'm not the only one it's happened to.

@kmakm Bloody hell lady, you deserve some goodness and pain free days. Hugging you! The shit days feel utterly permanent don’t they. Like set in stone, this is it, it’s all over, nothing’s good anymore. But you’ve got insight and wisdom and skill to know that it’s all temporary. It’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass.....my mantra. There’s something incredibly grounding about knowing that nothing lasts, good OR bad. Its funny, I actually think my old self who I was Before was defined by eyebrows. I looked at old photos of me earlier today..I never do that..too sad. But for some reason I forced myself to. And I am so fucking pissed off that chemo stole my old eyebrows. I don’t look the same. And I hate it. And I never thought I’d be more fixated on stupid eyebrows and lashes than the great big scar across my boob. But here I am. I think its an increeeeedibly slooow evolution we must go through, to get not back to our old selves, but to ARRIVE at the place where we have fully let go of the sadness. I think it takes everyone different amounts of time, too. It unfolds on an almost cosmic timescale. An epic slow formation of a new version of you. But that’s okay because look how beautiful a galaxy is. It’s worth the wait.

@kmakm We can’t see clouds changing shape or predict the new shape either. It’s too gradual for the brain’s visual system or whatever to grasp. But we become aware that change has taken place by the time it’s obviously a different cloud shape, right? I reckon this is the same with depression and grief and trauma. The brain just can’t get far enough outside itself to predict or appreciate the new reality ahead. It is stuck and trying to cope with basics! But that doesn’t mean that a new and more positive reality ISN’T possible. You just can’t see it yet. Have to take a huge leap of trust in yourself. Im having a daily internal battle of I’m dead inside, Oh well there goes my life vs. Damnit I didn’t just survive this thing for nothing! I want to live! So my positivity really wavers. I never get to talk to anyone close anymore either. My friends and even mum change the subject if I talk about pain or sadness. It sucks. A lot. I just become detached and spend all my time with dogs and any distraction that gets me through the day! I do think my annoying stubborn anger at being sick is an amazing motivator, that keeps me fighting and in perspective and positive when all else fails. I am so competitive that no matter how depressed I get, the outrage of losing to it just drives me on blindly.

The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

arpie
Member
6 years ago
Me too, @kmakm. Great advice there, @Sister. I may be changing GPs again (whilst she is on maternity leave) as she also doesn't really take the side effects seriously - tho she DID put me on Prednisone for my uke gig at the Blue Mountains in Feb.

I'll see which 'older' female GPs may be at the practise - trouble is - they seem to have a revolving door!! If only mine would come back from Melbourne! :(
Sister
Member
6 years ago
My lovely abandoned-me-for-Orange GP told me that, if she has to find a new doctor, she finds out how old they are first. If they're around the same age, they or their friends will be likely to be going through the same shit.
kmakm
Member
6 years ago
I f******g hate the laughing-at-menopause-symptoms-not-yet-menopausal-oncologist... :#
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
@arpie No she just had a good laugh. That’s okay. She probably hasn’t gone through menopause YET. Her time will come.
arpie
Member
6 years ago
Did she roll her eyes @Blossom1961 ?? The male Onc I had originally, did - so now am with a compassionate lovely lady!
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
Cheeky Oncologist. She asked me what side effects I was still experiencing. I finished the list with “oh yes, and those rotten hot flushes”. She laughed at me! I guess that means I just have to put up with them. 😏
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
This really should read cancer
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
This is often also true of someone who has had cancer
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
Silba
Member
6 years ago
Hello All,

I just read the above comment and I too have to agree , while we all share BC which is bad enough , our own individual family trouble, struggles are only ours to deal access and address .

I had a wonderful moment yesterday , my eldest son had his University graduation , I cried, not only because I was proud but because I was alive to see it happen, his professor was sitting next to me , thought I was a total nutcase, pity I couldn't tell him that I have Mets , my youngest understood , but now doesn't want to attend his ceremony , so I don't get sad.

So I picked myself up and pretend all is ok , I guess our lives became a mirror, we show people the reflection but not the substance and yes the rest of the family , doesn't want to hear when I'm in pain or down , only the good stuff.

@kmakm , my dog and cat have became my most loyal companions, so much better than people , I understand the "dead inside bit too" it's just sometimes to difficult and takes to much effort to care , then the "not going to beat me " rolls in and you go another round , until the next moment that you cant do something that 12 months ago you did with your eyes closed.