I dont know why im writing this other than i need to express it and i cant think where else.Before bc i used to talk about stuff i was gunna do but i never seemed to get around to it. I had a life coach for 7 years and never completed goals just recuced my confusion and stress around events. Now i have to do stuff. This can be exercise, relationship, work and.anything in between. I cant find any comfort in things that used to give comfort. People dont understand and who would i tell. When i feel like i have a problem i cant talk about it with anyone because who would get it. Its like i have to deal with everything and i cant slack off, procrastinate or do a half job. My care factor for some stuff is much lower. Do work, completely switch off and wont work an hour over. Any constructive critiscm, dont care, whatever. Move along. I have this feeling of wanting to connect more deeply but realised that at work not right place. Even friends cant share some thoughts. Family, stuff to do there but cant explain my stuff really. Anyone get it?

There’s sometimes occasions when talking to a complete stranger really helps. A counsellor or psychologist specialises in getting you to answer your own questions. Many of us go through a ‘does anything matter and if so, why?’ phase when faced with a disease that might kill us. And if you weren’t sure about your direction in life before bc (like many of us again), it’s no surprise that you are no more certain now. Your oncologist or GP should be able to assist with a referral. We work so hard on the bodily side of bc but the mental and emotional side is really important and often overlooked. Best wishes.

Hi @Michelle_R, It sure is life changing for us isn't it. So much comes up for us to rethink our life with our bc. Every thing is challenged, questioned and what was important is no longer. It can be hard to gain peace with it all. I was so intense at work. I pushed myself hard as a high achiever for various reasons but mainly to provide for myself and my son. I had lots big health issues and was a sole parent for 20 yrs. Was i wrong to push myself so hard? Maybe but it happened and then I got bc. It has changed my life and attitude and I am ok with that. For me I find staying in the present moment the best way for me to live, find peace and joy. I have to practice mindfulness, mediation and exercise to help myself but that's what works for me. I did get some counselling too and it was helpful. I am a bit of a fan of Patrea King Quest for Life. She has a Facebook pages and there are plenty videos for relaxation and meditation. She has a couple books too. I read one called Your Life Matters and it resonated for me. I hope you find that peace

Retirement in a small house that I can escape to by myself, with a dog and a cat and the sea nearby. Volunteer work if I want it and easy walking everywhere.

After my diagnosis I ended up not returning to work, and was close to retirement age anyway. So pleased I don't have to put up with all the work dynamics. Although the psychologist I saw said that work gives us purpose, and I sacked her also. :)

Hey Michele,I stopped working in July 2018. Went overseas after a serious burn out, came back and decided to take a couple months off, had panic attacks every day for about 3 months, and realised the situation was much worse than I’d realised. So there was no way I could go back to work then, and tbh I didn’t want to. I had enough of being a slave to an ungrateful company, time and again. I also got massively disappointed at work by people who were supposed to be my closest friends. So even though I loved the job, I decided not to do it anymore due to school politics and wanting my time for myself. But, it took a whole year to stop feeling guilty about not working, cos that’s how I’d been made to feel my whole life, like I was being unproductive if I wasn’t working, even though I was also a single mum. The panic attacks were in part caused by my guilt. But I persevered. I was too angry to keep giving my precious time for myself and my daughter away to unappreciative pricks. After about a year and a half, covid and my bc happened, so I still couldn’t go back, and I decided to keep my time once again to go through surgery, treatment and recovery without worrying about work as well. And quite honestly it would be hard with all my side effects. So here I am, still unemployed, but making do with what I have financially. I’m a bit bored sometimes, but otherwise very happy. I went through that limbo period also, but couldn’t find any concrete answers, so just continued to ask for guidance from the Universe. I started with my plants as I’ve mentioned previously, then also got my two kitties, plus 4 fish tanks. I already had my doggie. They all keep me very busy, and are fantastic company. I’ve always wanted lots of animals, but couldn’t have them. Now I thought, stuff that, no more excuses. I’m getting them. Plants and animals make me happy, so I’ve surrounded myself with them. Also lamps and teapots. I get most things from Marketplace cos it’s affordable that way. My partner calls my place ‘The Montanicle Gardens’ &#55357;&#56838;. I also recently started belly dance lessons, after wanting to do it for 20 years but always finding excuses not to. It’s good exercise and I love it. Then, I have meet ups with friends that I actually enjoy. A few I’ve known for ages, and the rest are bc ladies from this forum. It’s been great. I have friends that were supposed to be close, that haven’t messaged me at all to ask ‘how are you’. So I don’t message them either. It’s disappointing, but I’m used to that from people. I’ve found that a lot of people are too self absorbed. They know you’ve had bca, but see you on social media looking ‘ok’, so that means you’re fine and not worthy of their attention. Or, you appearing fine doesn’t suit them anymore, cos why should you look like you’re doing well despite having had bca, while their life is still a mess?? I don’t know anymore. But I’ve decided that being annoyed or sad about losing friends is a waste of time. I simply outgrew them. There’s better friends to be met and made 😊.So all these things I mentioned above are things that I love and always have, but denied myself for whatever reason. I’m not denying them myself anymore if I can help it. So to answer the question ‘who am I’ and ‘what do I do now’, I don’t really have a great answer, except that who I am doesn’t have to be defined. I’m constantly changing and outgrowing things, so I’m constantly discovering myself, or new parts of me. And this is actually more exciting now than scary. The second one is, does what I want to do next make me happy and excited? No? Then I’m not doing it, unless absolutely necessary. If yes, no matter how small or insignificant it seems, I’ll do it. That’s what I discovered. Small things can bring me so much joy. My fish tanks, with the effort I put in to create them (proving I’m not uncreative as I previously thought 😄) are absolutely beautiful, and I love watching the fishing swim around. It’s very calming and soothing. I’ve tried meditating before cos I need it, but it was hard and boring. Watching my fish is actual meditation that I enjoy, as I’ve found out. So they fulfil my love for animals, water and meditation. Never would have guessed that before. So this is me now. I’m a child again, unemployed and doing things I love, and NOT FEELING GUILTY. I have to emphasise that. For too long I’ve felt I don’t deserve good things or to have fun, for whatever reason. I’ve finally convinced myself that I do in fact deserve good things, fun and time for myself. My time is too precious. It can’t be bought anymore by cheap companies and people. So, as it’s past midnight and I’ve written my essay for the night, I’ll sign off now with a good night, I hope you’re sleeping well, have a better day tomorrow, and hope things improve for you soon 😊😘. M Xx

No comfort | BCNA Online Network

46 Replies

Beaglemum
Member
5 years ago
Totally get where you are saying, I'm not sure where I am at the moment, want to say everything is great, have had no real medical issues for about 12 months so technically I am cured!! but deep down I fear the recurrance will come back when I am I least expecting it and no one gets that, so I keep it to myself mostly.

I have taken the step of giving up my job to concentrate on having the best life i can, I finished on Friday and am currently in that mixed emotion state of this is great, this is scary, but think I really need to get on with life and try and start thinking positive, not what if.

If you need help seek it, I think thats some advice I need to take too.
AllyJay
Member
5 years ago
I've always found writing stuff down to be extremely cathartic. I call the ink "black blood" where I can reduce the very worst pain into mere splotches of black onto a piece of paper. I've written many a letter(never posted) to people who've almost destroyed me in the past and found it very healing. Also to write about the good things...to remember things by. I had a very bad experience over a number of years of so-called professionals which has somewhat tarnished my view of them, but I'm sure there are many professional listeners out there who will not think that the solution is to either fry your brain, or pickle it with psychotropic drugs. You can always speak here...we all get it.
Locksley
Member
5 years ago
@Michelle_R this is such a great space we can raise things that worry us. So wonderful we have this connection. @FLClover I love your vision of marlin and dory I think that is perfect. I can relate to that feeling.
FLClover
Member
5 years ago
I’m glad I didn’t miss the point Michele 😄. So, reading through your other comments in this post, it’s kind of clear what’s troubling you. I agree with above comments about seeing a psychologist if you haven’t already. It’s very beneficial and cathartic, just make sure you’re suited.
In the meantime, let me know if you want to do a video chat, cos it’s too hard to write these things down 💟.
FLClover
Member
5 years ago
@Halla I like Esther Perel, I follow her on IG. I haven’t heard that statement though, although it makes a lot of sense. I was raised Orthodox but pretty young realised it didn’t make sense. Then became an atheist but didn’t like that. Neither one seemed right. Then I discovered the spiritual way of thinking, or similar anyway. So now I believe in the Universe, or The Great Divine, which is an energy sourced from love, that lives within each of us. It gives you guidance to get what you ask for, as long as it’s for everyone’s higher good.
Afraser
Member
5 years ago
I saw a counsellor for three months because ‘I wasn’t sure who I am’. A survivor? Still a bit of an invalid? Should I keep doing the same things? Should I change things? And if so, how?

In the end, I changed very few things immediately but what I did change mattered. I still use the thinking my counsellor taught me because it wasn’t rocket science, just stuff I didn’t want to address! The time to do so varies with every individual.
MicheleR
Member
5 years ago
Yes i was thinking religion last night -maybe thats the answer - doh...
Halla
Member
5 years ago
Right, I seeee, yes.... life goes on...things need to change but where to start? How to get the perspective you need?

I’m hoping a beach holiday at the end of radiation might give me some...

and definitely counselling...got my mental health care plan from the doc yesterday ...

sometimes I wish I was religious... I wouldn’t even know how to be but as Esther perele says , a lot of contemporary humans have been left with a god shaped hole they have no idea how to fill
MicheleR
Member
5 years ago
Oh @Halla,

Totally get this. I experienced this. Im sure others do to. People dont react the way we think they should. In 9 months of treatment my brother rang me once and visited once. I saw him occassionally at family events and i was hurt that something so big for me had so little weight to him and he just carried on as if nothing was different. I dont think he even noticed my distress.

I dont think age comes into emotions and values and expectations.

This is a big experience.

I just worried about getting well during treatment and let other things slide. There are a hundred emotions i experienced intensely. It was a relief in some ways when i did this. But...

I had to reenter my life at some point.
Halla
Member
5 years ago
I think the physical exhaustion and treatment make us a lot less resilient to criticism. I find myself often thinking “gimme a break 🙄, is now really the time to put that extra pressure on me, I’ve got bc!!” Maybe it’s a good thing because before I would brush whatever it was off, or take it in, or think whatever it was was my fault. At the moment I get upset, retreat, then think fck that, I need to look after me right now, let them make their demands, I’m only going to do what I know I can right now.

I ended up in tears the other day because my 85 year old dad and his partner came to visit me for the first time since my diagnosis, and all they did was needle needle needle me. I didn’t realise that at the time, but I was really upset, didn’t really know why. I am starting to figure out that, I’m a 52 year old adult, I need get over what my father and his girlfriend think! I’m doing the best I can and I’m every other sphere I’m a successful and capable woman. Let them judge who cares?!

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No comfort

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